Secrets- <><><><> Chapter Six

"I told him once that he was an evil man, and that he made me to be like him. I said that I was looking for a place, at this point I didn't have my apartment anymore, and I was planning to leave him. He looked at me in a way that I knew this time I had truly insulted him. Then he asked me a question so appallingly that I knew he was outraged. I also realized that this was not the time to forsake this intelligent, yet troubled man, who was desperately in search of something. His question was: 'Had I known that Jacob had another child before I met you?' I answered him no. Then he told me that how could I accuse him of something that I started it! But I wanted to stop and he thought it was too late to stop. The damage was done. Vickie was not the same woman anymore.

"He never told me about his own troubles. Only one time he mentioned that he once was married and he had a son. It was only when he got the invitation for the party tonight that he told me about his son's troubles, not all of it, and about Ed. Then all my attempts to make him tell me more was useless. It seemed that he opened his arms against his many troubles all alone. My feelings for him was mixed. At times, I loved him, other times, I hated him, many times I felt sorry for him; but when I was in his class, I admired him.

"In his class, he always glowed. He was, is, an excellent teacher and lecturer. When he taught, it was obvious that he was living on the edge of his thoughts, struggling with the fundamental problems of his life, or life in general. I wanted to save his damned spirit.

"Nonetheless, he was so persuasive in any matter that after every argument, I was always enthralled. I knew that it was me who approached him for my plan. I knew when I had sputtered out my story, those hateful words that were planted in me by my mother, to him, there was no return. I knew it much later. But when later came, I was terrified at the finality of what I had told him; and became the confused woman that my mother had predicted I would be.

"How could we, Tim and I, achieve any kind of meaningful living that I had sought desperately all my life? It seemed impossible. I gave up. I knew he had given up a long time ago. Nevertheless, in my own instability, I thought of what I could do to stabilize him, to support him in his loss. I didn't know about his loss then, but I was suspicious that he must have some great hopelessness somewhere hidden in him.

"The interesting thing was that all my friends thought I was very lucky that Tim had picked me. He was very popular among girls. My friends told me that living with him was like an explosion, living on the edge, which was full of surprises; nonetheless, it was wonderful. They said my life with Tim was like a movie which was full of scenes of renderable and normal manners; and unimaginative interpretation of what seemed so odd. However, as bizarre as our connection was, it caused envy among my friends.

"Anyway, I thought I had designed a plan for the deliverance of what was possible in an impossible shape. Yes, it was possible to deceive Vickie, for she was very naive, and yes, it was impossible for me to see the result of what I had done. In the two months before she left home. I saw before my eyes the changes in her. It was scary, truly, I began to have feeling for her. I started liking her. When she told me she was seeing Fred, I was frightened. I knew him; he was the worst of all men I knew. He was an absolute user, who even didn't have charm. He was crude and acted vulgar. I needed to stop this; and I tried. But I couldn't stop what I'd started.

To Be Continued