JUDAS KISS- Seventeen- At Last ✍ ✖

In the interview, they asked Helen why she had not worked all these years? She just told the truth. She decided in her case, lie would not bring her a chance to find a job; therefore, she adhered to honesty. She made a very good impression with the supervisor, who was interviewing her. He gave her a tour of the company. She

would to become the designer's personal secretary, the man, who also owned the company. The man, who lived with his boyfriend. Helen would do more than secretarial job for him only a few months into her working. She would take care of his house, dogs, cats, parrots, ... when he was traveling either for business or pleasure, and always with his boyfriend!

It was Wednesday morning when she had the interview. It was a pleasant fall day. They asked her to go to work Monday. The other secretary was retiring, but she had promised to stay two extra weeks to mentor Helen and to help her to learn her new job. She also told Helen of the designer's demands of doing his personal things. Helen said: "I don't mind!"

When Steve heard about it, he began his complaining again, but this time Helen cut him off and said:

"Not anymore, Steve! We're not married anymore. I can do anything I want. And how do you except me to live without any income?" Steve never knew about her little, black bag!

"What about Caterina?"

"She'll be okay. Besides, Nancy had offered to baby sit. And if one day she can't do it, I take her to daycare. She'll learn social skills there!"

Nancy was pregnant with her first child. Helen looked with her fiery eyes at Steve and said:

"I am so grateful to Nancy. When she has her own baby, I'll send Caterina to daycare. If you want, take me to court. But no way I let you do to this child what you did to Elizabeth and Chris! Look how spoiled they have turned out!"

"If it's about money, I give you more!" He said while trying to contain his anger.

"Keep your money. I don't need it. I've been wanting to work all these years and I didn't because of you. But now you have no control over me!"

Even though they were not married anymore, they still fought. But this one, Helen decided, that she should win and she did.

Now that she was at last doing what she had always wanted to do, she felt sorry for herself. She was close to fifty years old. All her youth was wasted living with a domineering man! All her childhood was wasted living with her parents, who were sick. She had two choices now, and needed to make a decision, to feel sorry for herself or enjoy what she loved to do no matter of her age. She decided on the second option!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Sixteen- The Agreement ✺ ☏

At this moment, being drunk, having a good time, with the two men in the house, one her husband, the other her lover; she truly could not bear either of them! She despised them both for the very thing they were proud of; and that part of them in egotism

with themselves, their highly- strong temperament, contempt and disregard for everything coarse and unsophisticated!

She watched with horror the greediness in which some men ate and drank. She tried very hard not to let them see that she had noticed!

The last to leave the party, were Jacob and his wife. It was three in the morning. Their goodbyes lasted ten minutes while the two men talked about their works; and they promised each other to get together again; and Melisa kept reminding Jacob that they needed to get home and send the baby sitter back to her home!

Helen spread herself on the bed at the top of the bedspread with her dress, jewelries, and shoes still on. She fell asleep instantaneously. Steve came to the bedroom, began shaking her.

"Get up, change your clothes!" But Helen had no will or energy left to get up, to change, to remove her make up. She was completely worn out of the long day and night and the two parties! Drinking excessively had not helped her being so tired!

One week passed from the party. Jacob called everyday. She refused him everyday!

"I told you it's over. Didn't you believe me? You're married, I'm married. We've made a big mess out of our lives! For God's sake, leave me alone!"

The inevitable end of everything confronted both of them for the first time with such an irresistible force that Jacob, who knew she was right, had such a hard time to be refused. Helen told him on the phone that his wife was a beautiful, classy woman, a wonderful mother! She told him that she knew all about Mr. Holland's plan, who was trying to save his investment, Jacob, after all he was a business man; and to save him from the demon of his self righteousness; and he needed to accept it! The last phone call came. She told him:

"If you don't stop calling me, I tell your wife that I'm the one who tried to ruin her marriage!" She really meant it. She was tired of all men, Steve, who would never forget her mistake, Jacob, who at this point, she was sure of it, just wanted her for sex and old memories!!!!

To Be Continued

JuDAS KISS- Fifteen- Never Again ☃ ☀

Most mothers accompanied their children for the afternoon party except one. So as good hostess as Helen was, she introduced herself to this only woman, she did not know and shook her hand:

"Welcome to our home, I'm Chris's mom, Helen!"

She was a tall woman, incredibly attractive, with dark hair, fair skin, and green eyes. Helen wondered how Jacob could be unfaithful to this beautiful woman?!

"I'm Melisa, our husbands know each other. I've met your husband a few times. He came to our home a few times and you know men, how they make friends much easier than us, women!"

Helen pretended that knew all about it. She had both her children with her.

"This is Drew, our oldest one. This one is Cynthia. Your husband told me that your daughter goes to the same school Cynthia goes. Isn't that something?"

Helen could not take her eyes from this woman. Her children were polite, well dressed, and well behaved.

"I know! What a small world!" Helen mumbled.

Soon children began their party. They had planed that Steve to be like the master of the ceremony for the children and to entertain them; so Helen could be a hostess for their parents, and to entertain the mothers and one father. Of course that one father, joined Steve to amuse the children!

After the caterer's help served the children and their mothers and one father with what they had planned to to served for the afternoon party, Helen sat next to Melisa, thinking how could she find out about this strange situation of how Steve had met them! Melisa said something that answered her all day's curiosity:

"So how is your friend. He really had a terrible accident?"

Helen went to her memory bank, brainstorming, as quickly as she could. "Who had an accident recently?" She was thinking. Suddenly she remembered that one of Steve's copilot, a man named John, who happened to live in Dallas, had recently had a horrible car accident. Someone had hit him from back. His car was totaled. His back was broken, he had a broken leg. She was finally able to put things in proper perspective. They had most likely hired Mr. Holland's law firm for personal injury and Jacob had been their lawyer. All these brainstorming took Helen only a few seconds. They were all her guesses, but they were good presumptions!

"Oh, John, he is doing a lot better. So you must be his lawyer!" Helen got the upper hand and pretended that did not know anything about her husband being the attorney!

"Actually, is our law firm. It belongs to my father. My husband is a partner and he worked on your friend's case!"

Helen breathed a sigh of relief. Nevertheless, she asked herself: "Why didn't Jacob tell me about it? Why did he accept the invitation? Why, why? Am I not already under a lot of stress?!!"

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Fourteen- Unending Tears ☼ ✉

He held both her hands; then brought them to his lips and kissed them. He looked deep and long into her eyes.

"I am here to pick up my daughter, Cynthia. She's in prekindergarten!"

"How strange! I am here to pick up my daughter, too. She's also in prekindergarten!"

They both laughed. What an extraneous and small world that they should both have a daughter at same the age, going to the same privet school, since the public school didn't have prekindergarten!

"I've never seen you in a carpool line?" Helen asked.

"Because Melisa does that everyday. But our son, Drew is sick today and missed school. Melisa has taken him to the doctor!"

Again, how the strangest things could bring the two people, so much in love with each other, together.

"I guess it was inevitable that one day we would see each other again!" She said with a long sigh, as if she was unhappy of this accidental seeing of each other.

"I guess so!" Jacob said automatically.

"Our children are going to look for us! You better get out and go pick up your daughter. Why did you say her name was? Oh, Cynthia, is that right?"

"Yes, Cynthia was Melisa's mother's name. I guess after what her parents have done for us and specially for me, they deserve to have their grandchildren named after them! She's a year and half younger than Drew. But Melisa's mother passed on a few years back!" Jacob said these naturally, as if it should had been that way.

" I read about the mother!" she said. "Do you have more children?" She could not help her curiosity.

"No, just Drew and Cynthia. How about you?"

"Yes, I have a son, Christopher. We call him Chris. He's a year and half now. Elizabeth is four and half."

"Oh, Helen, I must, I have to see you again! You can't run away from me this time. I was watching you! You were crying. Why were you crying?"

Helen hesitated for a while and finally said as tears again flowing down her face:

"I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy!"

Jacob wiped her tears again and kissed her forehead.

"Why do you want me? You have family. You respect your father- in - law. You named your children after them. Why, I want to know why you said what you said?"

Jacob moved back on his seat. He was not sure how to answer her. He could not lie to her. She was too smart for that and would see through him. Finally he said:

"I'm not miserable like you are; but I'm not happy either. I have a good life, but I don't love Melisa like a man should love his wife. I love her but like a friend or sister. She is a very good person." He stopped for a second and then continued:

"We talk about these things later. Let me have your phone number. I must, must see you..."

He wrote her number in the back of one of her business card and put it on his shirt pocket. Then he gave her of his card and closed the car door and left!!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- THIRTEEN- Lost in Thoughts ☯ ☫

Aggravated Steve put the baby, with his arms still stretched towards his mother, in Helen's arms. Chris became

quiet immediately. How strange that Helen had made Steve a father twice against her will, and the children picked her to love! Of curse they loved their father, too; specially Elizabeth! But Mama was their world! No one was there to tell this man that love of the children for their mothers was such a natural phenomenon; that their mother spent all her time with hem; that mothers knew every aches and pains of them; that mothers knew every joy and sorrow of them! Helen was the one who took them to the doctor, who knew exactly when was time for their vaccine, their checkups. She let them play, taught them to share, to socialize, and to be good with other children in their neighborhood's afternoon gathering. She was their God, and they were her life.

Steve was never home. He would be home only for three days. Lately he had gotten into the habit of going out to bars with his male friends, that was what he claimed. He would not come back home until midnight when the children were already in bed, sleeping; and Helen pretended to be sleep. Nonetheless, he was drunk! He had no consideration for Helen, who had all day taken care of the children and the house.

He, being drunk, always threw himself on bed; but this act was not because he was drunk, but because he wanted to hurt Helen, He did not care that how he annoyed her by this act specially since he did not know that she was not asleep. He almost without a doubt had her forcefully! She hated the smell of alcohol mixed with smoke. He knew it; therefore insisted on prolonging his kisses on her mouth. Even in his drunkenness, he knew that she did not want him. He would slapped her face; tore her night gown; and once that she tried to run out of the room, he got hold of her long, golden hair and pulled them so hard that by the time Helen was able to release herself from his claws, a whole bunch of her hair stayed in his hand!

A weary feeling of despondency at her own isolation, her being without friend, her alienation from this world overshadowed her entire world. She needed to do something and do it fast! She was afraid that one day he would kill her in one of these rages he displayed! On the other hand, he had told her more than once that if she ever talked to anyone about their personal life or thought about divorcing him, he would kill her and the children and then himself. She truly believed him. He had his collection of guns along with all his medals from his service in Vietnam in the safe. She knew where the safe was; it was right there in the study. She had tried all kind of combination that made sense to her, but was not able to figure it out! She recalled how she had learned the combination of the safe in Roger's house! But this safe was not hidden. it was right there. Everybody could see it. But every time he was in that room, he locked the door from inside and closed all the drapes. Not even once he made the mistake that Roger had made. Helen was sure that if she ever opened the safe, she would find the papers with the identity of the couple who had adopted her first born, the son that Jacob had fathered!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔

Steve wanted Helen to nurse the baby. What Helen yearned for was for Jacob's son to suck on her nipples, not Elizabeth. She had a hard time to love her daughter. It was with agony that she nursed the baby. Elizabeth was a hungry beast, who wanted to suck on her nipples until there would be no more milk but it was her blood! When the baby was six months old, the pediatrician wanted them to give the baby some rice cereal and other baby food; but she was a stubborn baby. She would not take bottle or even a pacifier. All she wanted was to suck on her mother's breast!

Once that Steve was home for his days off, he finally noticed that how much Helen had lost weight; and how Elizabeth cried constantly. As usual He blamed Helen for the crying of the baby:

"You're not even a good mother! Don't you see the baby is suffering? Something is wrong with her!"

Elizabeth kept Helen up all night; and when Steve was home, he could not sleep either. The baby's crying was so unrelenting and persistent that one night Helen just put her on Steve's stomach and said:

"You take care of it! I haven't slept for six months!"

They had a big fight which started in the middle of the night and continued into the next day and night like old days. This fight brought the lost control and energy to her even though it was temporary.

Helen never told Steve why she did not like the name of her daughter. It was for a reason that would perhaps sound strange to Steve. Her mother's name was Elizabeth and she had betrayed her!

Two days later they took Elizabeth to her doctor. It was Steve's idea. Helen said:

"She is hungry. I don't have enough milk to fill her up. She doesn't need a doctor, she needs food."

The strange thing was that Elizabeth's doctor said exactly what Helen had said at home.

"She is hungry! You need to start giving her formula and other baby foods." Then the doctor turned to Steve and continued:

"I don't understand why you insist on your wife nursing her. Look at her! She is all skin and bone. Your wife is exhausted. She needs to take care of herself before getting sick. Then she can't take care of herself or the baby!"

Steve's answer was somewhat funny but he was very serious:

"Women have nursed their babies for ever! Why can't she?"

The doctor's answer made Steve's animosity to Helen much stronger:

"What do you think your wife is, a cow? Every woman is different. You're killing both of them!!"

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Ten- Beastly Old Days ☗ ☗

Things that were in Helen's mind this horrible summer were devastating! But one thing that haunted her more than anything else was giving away her baby, not even being able to have glance at him, or embrace him for one time! This tragedy would stay with her in all her waking or sleeping hours for as long as she lived!

She remembered her mother, who acted so normal all the time while she knew her husband, the father of her children, molesting her daughters night after night! What happened to motherly love? Why was she losing her mind for a baby that she had not even seen, and her mother never even admitted of the wrong doing that had happened in her house, in front of her? She recalled her mother, who acted so normal, gave her and her sister bread and butter sprinkled with sugar in their old living room, when they returned from school in the afternoon and before dinner. She recalled the grandfather clock in the corner of the crowded living room which had two blue jay birds in a wooden basket painted at the top of it. She conjured up how her mother loved the artificial flowers and had filled the house with baskets of home made fake flowers. Everywhere she looked there was a basket of fake flower, even on each step of the stairs that went to the second floor to her sister and her room and another room that they used as storage. Her mother never threw out anything. Their house was filled with things that there were no use for them anymore, but she never got rid of them. She recalled that she had promised herself that never she would use artificial flowers to decorate her house when she was a grown up woman.

She recalled her father, who would come home tired, dirty, dusty from his hard work at the construction sites, from labouring day after day for his family; kissed the mother first, and then his two daughters, sat on the coach with one leg under the other and said:

"Oh, mama, my back. Get me a cool beer!" The name mama that he used for mom was an endearing name that he always used instead of calling his wife by her real name, Elizabeth. Then after finishing his beer, he showered and cleaned up before dinner was ready.

No one would had guessed that this was not a normal family, no one! Their uncles, aunts, cousins, church friends all admired them. They gathered every Saturday in a home of one of these group, families, church friends! It always was all day event. All women helped out in the kitchen, all men did the barbecuing and grilling, all children played games and what ever was available for them in that particular house. The friends were like the surrogate family. They were six families all together; so every six weeks the party was at their house!

Every Sunday, they all went to church. It was a great event going to church. Mother put her best dress on. She always wore hat. Helen loved the mother's collection of hats. She had so many. Sometimes Charlotte and she tried the hats when their mother was not around. Fatter put on his only suit. He took care of it as if it was the last suit in the world. Helen and Charlotte wore their best dresses. They always went to early mass which was at eight in the morning. Charlotte and Helen sat with their friends, their parents sat with their friends. They received communion. She remembered the first time that she received communion at age seven, only a year before father began his barbaric act. She remembered what a big event it was when she got her first communion. Charlotte was so envious. No matter how much mother tried to calm her little sister down, she would not stop crying.

"Why Helen can get communion and I can't?" She kept repeating herself.

Mother could not convince Charlotte that she was too young, that in a few years she would receive communion, too. She thought that her parents favored Helen over her! She never changed. She stayed the same envious little girl even when she was grown! That was the reason she fell into the hand of father and was molested, too; because she thought father loved Helen more than he loved her!!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- NINE- HEREAFTER ✆ ✆

Slowly and gradually Jacob's coming to college, where Helen taught, became less and less until it stopped completely.

By the time Steve came home towards the end of January of 1968, Jacob has given up. Helen heard from a mutual friend that his wife and he were planning to have another child! What a fruitful man he was! She also heard that he was now the partner in the law firm of his father- in- law.

Helen was both happy and sad. She was happy that he had returned to his family, that his wife's family had forgiven his foreboding. She was happy that she was carrying his baby, just part of him! But she was sad that he had not fought enough to get her back; that his effort to get her back was short and it subsided fairly quickly! She thought about men in her life, from her father, to Roger, to all those rich clients of Roger, who had wives and families, yet coming after girls like her; and of course Jacob and Steve! Her resolution was that all men were the same. They came and went in her life! They used her and then threw her out like an old handkerchief!

At this point of her life, her thoughts and feelings about men were nothing but a distasteful concept, a generalization that all of them were the same!

"They all are the same! They never be a true love. They all just want you for your body! Oh, God I wish I was an ugly, deformed woman!"

She tried to convince herself that Steve, her husband, was a better man that others that she knew. He had tolerated her and her antics for the last three years and had always come back to her. He was faithful to her. He was hard working! He was Honorable! She even thought about an abortion for the sake of saving her marriage before Steve would return. But no, no she could not do that to Jacob's seed, to the child of one man she truly loved now and forever.

"I beg Steve to forgive me. He loves me enough to forgive me. But what if he wants to know who the father of my baby is? I can't, cant ... no way ... I won't...!"

It was New Years Eve, exactly a year since she had seen Jacob in that hotel party. She recalled how she had flirted with him, how she had taken him to her small apartment!

Letting him go was like a death of a loved one, even though she had never had a true loved- one! But she could imagine how would it feel to see someone you loved, to leave for ever, like death!

She pictured standing over Jacob's dead body, and his splendid and probing glance which enveloped her, as if his eyes were not dead, while his body was all dead, She could swear that it looked as though he would at any moment would ask her a question in an understandable language ; but he was dead! He was silent and did not utter any sound! He did not move a limb or twitch a muscle. All Helen saw was that in the last moment, as though he was responding to some sign that no one could see, a whisper, no one could hear, his frown became heavy, as if agonizing over an intimidating expression! The luster of wondering glance swiftly faded into a vacant glassiness! Helen opened her eyes and realized that she was dreaming how death, or loosing someone dear looked like!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eight- Disarray ✔ ✔

Steve's personal life was a total disaster. He had come back to see Helen was in the same apartment, and pregnant with another man's child. However, no matter what she did, he could not live a day without her. He was madly in love with her. She refused to tell him who the father of the baby was. Not only it was too late for abortion, She told him in her carefree way:

"Even if it was not late, I wouldn't do it. You know I am Catholic. I am against abortion. I know you are, too. Don't tell me that you're okay with abortion!"

He had returned to his wife that did not care that she was pregnant. She told him that she wanted a divorce; that she did not love him. He did not understand this loyalty he had for her! This crazy love that he had for her was sickening to him!

✔ ✔

Before Steve came for his second leave in Mid January of 1967, Helen had the best of the time in her life. Jacob came to her place almost everyday. He craved her like a hungry dog. She wanted him as if he was a big, clear, several carrots diamond! In that fifteen days from the New Year's Eve party to the day Steve came home for his second leave, they saw each other everyday. They were careless and carefree! Meanwhile a week into this relationship, Melisa, Jacob's wife gave birth to a baby boy. Even that day Jacob came to her after doing his duty as a good husband, which meant to stay by his wife side at hospital, to hold her hand while she pushed and screamed and cried until the baby came. They named the baby Andrew, after Melisa's father. Jacob told Helen later on that day that it was the right thing to do!

People at work were suspicious to him and his behavior. The friends that were with him at the New Year's Eve party even joked with him about it:

"You're taking long lunches these days! What are you eating? Only food?"

These men had seen him with Helen at the party. They had watched that he had disappeared with her! They had seen his car in the parking lot of the hotel when they were going home that night. Nonetheless, he denied completely that he was having an affair with another woman!

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

They finally left him alone. Neither of them were hundred percent faithful to their wives; so they knew if they betrayed him, they would betray themselves as well!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Seven- Going Rogue ✤ ✤

After all the years being married, Helen recalled the day she had asked Steve for a divorce one last time! She was forty four and Steve was forty five then. That was twenty four years ago! She was shocked to hear that he said yes this time!

"No fight, whatever you want you can take!" He had said.

She wondered why he had to say 'whatever you want'!? Wasn't everything they owned belonged to both of them? She had worked, too; if not outside of the home, since he did not allow it, she had worked even harder to keep everything in order and raise the children. She had used her own money in the little black bag. The bag was almost about half of what it had been at the beginning. She finally had a figure now. That money was over a million dollars. He was very uptight and stingy with the money he earned from piloting! He wanted Helen to give her a list of every penny that she spent. She had no choice but to go to her black bag. Children always needed things, her car sometimes needed repair, she needed clothes, and they were always giving big parties! He never gave her more money for any of these extras; so she had no choice but to take money from the little black bag. Besides, she also taught some at the same community college that she had taught three semesters. Every time that one of their teacher was sick or on maternity leave, they called her. But all these were besides the point; when Steve gave a positive answer to her final entreaty for divorce, something beyond imagination happened which delayed the divorce again. Helen thought that God was punishing her for something that she did not know what it was.

As she was conjuring up her past while driving to her boss's home, she almost had an accident. She opened the window, turned off the air condition of the car; and lit up a cigarette. She never used the ashtray of her car. Nowadays, it did not matter, since most cars did not have ashtrays. But this was a habit of her even when cars had ashtrays. She remembered even in old days with old cars, she had never used ashtrays and always had her left hand out of the car and let the ash of her cigarette flew away, only for claiming that she never smoked in her car! She did not want Steve to know it; even though they both were smokers! He did not like her to smoke in the house or in the car, yet he often smoked in his car! Steve thought that she was a woman that did anything she wanted without any fear of him or respect for him! She knew as tough as she appeared to be, She had always feared Steve!

☁

It was suddenly the original nature of Jacob which came face to face with her at the New Years Eve's party! She was there practically to celebrate the end of her college, finding a teaching job, and just being out for once before Steve would come home in a couple of weeks for his second leave. Helen could not stop her smile of seeing Jacob after all these years. She remembered how indifferent she was towards him when they both were sixteen years old and had taken the long ride in the bus from Chicago to Dallas! And later for just a few months that they had lived in the shelter and worked in the same place, how arrogant she was towards him! But now every cover was taken and stripped from her with his presence! Just he being there brought an undeniable happiness to her! the elation shone in her eyes. With his simplicity, she saw the nakedness of his soul without even talking to him. She discerned more clearly than ever the man she truly could love; something she was not aware of it till now!

She walked to the table that Jacob was sitting with three other men. There were no women with them. She was drinking a martini. The chiffon part of her dress kept catching under the tall heels of her shoes. She was not used to wearing high heels since she had run away from Roger's home. Even those days sometimes she took her shoes out until Roger saw it and had ordered her to put them back on. As complicated as everyone believed her to be, she was a very simple woman. It took her a while to walk to Jacob's table with her long dress, high heels, a glass of martini in her hand, and a jeweled small purse with long gold chain hanging from her shoulder.

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Six- Lost Friend ❈ ❈ ❈

Steve came home for a thirty days leave towards the end of January of 1966. Helen still was living in the same apartment on Mimosa Road.

It was a whole year that they had not seen each other; however Steve got a very cold welcome from his wife, as if she was saying, "Why are you here? Why are you disrupting my peace?"

He complained why she had not changed the apartment. She had promised him that she would get a bigger and nicer place by the time he would be back for his R and R! He had arranged that she would receive his salary from Air force every month. So now she did not even have to get o the black, little bag with its unending money. After all these years, she still did not know how much money was in the bag. She was a frugal spender! Since she could not deposit the whole money and make some interest on it, she was very careful in her spending habit!

"You have money to get a better place for us! when I come back next year, or perhaps retire one day, I want us to have a family, to buy a home! But at least for now you can move to a better and bigger place! What is the money spending on?"

This was the first day of Steve's thirty days leave. He said this after a nice dinner that she had bought it from a restaurant, a few glasses of wine, and much pleasurable intimacy! She never turned down their love making!

They were lying down. Their sweat and body odor were mixed together! Neither one wanted to go the bathroom and wash out. She was about to fall asleep when Steve said the things about the money, home, family, and bigger and nicer place for now. Sleep escaped her right away. She sat on bed, exposing her naked body.

"What did you say? I don't need your damn money! Why would I want to pay more money for apartment while you're not even here? you talk about family, as if it is only your decision! Why do you want to bring children to this world? Everywhere is full of darkness!"

Steve also sat on the bed. He was the commander of his unit, a pilot, a Captain in Air force with twelve airplanes and pilots under his command. They all liked him and obeyed him. But at home, he was no match to this woman, his wife!

He did not stay the entire thirty days off he had; and left after only twelve days. The day he left, they were supposed to go to his parents', so he can see his parents. But he called them while Helen standing next to the window:

"I apologize! Something has come out. I must leave today!"

They never believed him, yet they went to the airport to see their son off. Helen was not there!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- FIVE- BITTER SWEET ☠ ☠ ☠

Steve demanded that she should quit college just a day before their wedding.

"Why do you want to go graduate school?"

She answered with a bitter sweet smile on her lips:

"Are you my father or will be my husband tomorrow? If you want to be my father and boss me around, the wedding is off! That would be a disaster for you and your family and your friends, wouldn't be?!!"

So he knew from the beginning that he could not treat her like a "Man's comfort", or a "Housewife", like his mother!

His personality of being a male chauvinist would not work with his future wife!

Their honeymoon was without fight. It was filled with fun things that Helen demanded and a lot of intimacies! Both he and Helen were great lovers. He wondered where and how she had learned to be this expert for pleasing a man. But he put this thought in the back of his mind.

They spend the New Year's Eve in town. They had a reservation in a very fancy restaurant, that for that night, they had a band, a DJ and had removed some tables to create a dance floor.

After dinner, they danced. When they were tired of dancing, they sat and ordered more drinks. They truly enjoyed themselves that night. Helen did not not say anything to him, but she told herself: "I've never had this much fun ever!"

A stranger, middle aged, with a cowboy hat, brick color boot. tight jean, and a plaid shirt, mostly different shades of blue, came to their table, while Steve was in the restroom and asked her for a dance. Helen said: "Why not!" So they began dancing. He was trying to teach Helen the Texas two and three steps, so they were laughing and seemed having fun. However about a couple of minutes of this country music and their dancing, the music stopped; and they began playing a soft, romantic music. The Cowboy got closer to Helen and put his hand on her back. Steve, who by bow had returned from the restroom and was sitting at their table and watching his wife dancing, now was outrageous. He was also drunk! He got up, stumbling over dancers until he got to where Helen and the Cowboy man were. He brought both his hands in between them and broke their embracing dance position!

"What, what, what are you doing?" The cowboy asked.

It was Helen, who answered. She did not give Steve a chance to begin a fight:

"He is my husband. We're on our honeymoon!"

The cowboy left while said more than once: "I'm sorry!" He also kept saying: "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Let's go back to the hotel!" Steve demanded loud while pulling Helen from the dance floor to their table.

"No, no, I'm having too much fun. Besides we're leaving tomorrow. This is our last night. It's no big deal!"

She really meant when she said that it was no big deal. She also truly meant when she told herself later in the hotel, while Steve was asleep and she could not sleep, that she had no feeling for men. They were like toys to her. She was not sure why she had married! She knew that Steve deserved better. She knew that she would not and could not change!!

They returned the next day to Dallas. It was January first, 1965!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Four- Men's Comfort ✔ ✔ ✔

✔ ✔ ✔

Helen Left Roger's house. She knew how Mark had sacrificed his everything for her! With the existence of all the camera at home, what he did for her was beyond friendship. Mark had become like a real father to her during the one and half year stay in that house of horror. The fact that he was black and she was a natural blond, and blue eyes did not make any difference in their relationship. She had met Mark's family, his wife, two daughters, and a son. She had had lunch at their house a few times. This was the very first time that she truly liked a man as a friend or even a father. He knew about her life, about her father molesting and abusing her and her sister!

As she walked slow first, getting away from Roger's house, she thought about her young life! If any one's life would be like hers at such a young age, did it worth living? She knew that Mark would be in a real trouble with Roger. She stopped walking. Should she go back and save Mark, or continue walking and save herself? She recalled that once Mark told her that he would do anything to save her. She knew that he was telling the truth. She knew that his affection for her was real. He had said many times that if he could he would rescue her, that she was like his own daughter!

She again started walking while saying loud to herself: "What's done is done! I can't save Mark even if I go back. He's in all the videos that standing inside the door of the bedroom and looking at me while I am packing my bag; and letting me leave, playing with the dogs and feeding them, so they don't attack me!"

If she returned, they both would be in hell, if she did not return, only Mark's life would turn upside down. She thought hard! "What would Mark would want me to do?" He most likely would tell me:

"Go, go, save your self. I take the fall for you!"

Her berating was laboured! Her chest was heaving! She had lived under the tyranny of Roger for so long. Now she began running. She was far enough from Roger's home to run. First she had to act normal, like someone that walking in the neighborhood. She had her hair in a bun and was wearing a baseball cap. As she was running, the September sun's severity brought beads of sweat to her forehead and she felt sweat running down her back. She was wearing one of the sweater that she had brought with her from Chicago. She had other clothes, but she had not taken any of those with her; she did not want anything that Roger had bought her. There was just this one big piece of black cloud which unexpectedly covered the sun! All of the sudden, huge drops of rain began falling from sky. It seemed as though only where she was walking, was getting the rain; since a little further down, the sun again began piercing her through. Now the heat, the sun, the humidity, the anxiety, the fear, her shaking, and her sweater, all of them seemed were stifling her! She had taken the money because she believed that the money belonged to her and perhaps other girls who danced, but she did not know any of them by their real name, or where they lived, or who they were. It was better that she had the money than Roger.

It was only eighteen months passed from the time she and Jacob had run away from Chicago. "What happened to Jacob? How can I find him?"

Now she was familiar with the streets. Going out with Mark during the day, she had always bombarded him with questions about the geography of Dallas:

"What is this street? what is that?" She had eyed landmarks for herself so she would remember if one day she had a chance to run! Mark himself lived in Richardson. He had a nice home. He had a nice family. She had thought to herself then. She wondered if Mark ever molested his daughters! But she immediately changed her mind. "No way, not Mark, not my good, old Mark, never...!"

To Be Continued

"Judas KISS" - Three- Ruby ✍ ✍

Jacob thought about running away many times, when he was older; but being a responsible young boy and worried for her sister and mother had always stopped him.

When Helen and he became friends, and only a month before they ran away, his sister ran off with her boyfriend; actually it was not running off for her, but it was leaving home for college and living with her ten years older boyfriend. She was already eighteen. When he heard Helen's story and her mentioning that she was thinking about running away, he also made up his mind to do so. He talked to his mother about his intention and begged her to divorce this monster; but his mother told him that she did not care if he left and she did not have the intention of divorcing the evil. He guessed that some people have so low self- esteem like her mother, that they would live in misery since they would not think they can do better. He even told her mother right on her face:

"You just don't like yourself and like to be miserable! You have no respect for yourself!"

Jacob knew besides drinking, they both did drugs. He had seen it even though they tried to hide it. The evil man had hooked his mother to drugs and alcohol, so she would never leave him.

In Springfield, Illinois, bus had an hour of stop for lunch. Jacob had only hundred dollars. This was the money he had saved up from his weekend and some evenings jobs as a grocery sacker. People from their bus all went to this cafeteria that the bus driver had parked in front of it. He had most likely had a deal with the owner of the cafeteria to bring his passengers there for lunch or dinner and perhaps get a free meal himself.

Jacob, being a real nice young teenager, wanted to take Helen there, too; but she said with her dry mouth and empty stomach:

"No, let's find somewhere cheap. We must watch how to spend our money!"

She, herself, had only twenty dollars. They walked in the open air. At the turn of the street, they found a convenient store. They went inside. They had sandwiches, soda pops, and juices. They just bought two salami sandwiches and walked outside. They leaned on the wall of the store, where there was a little sun shinning through the cloudy sky and ate their cold food. They went back inside to use the restroom and drink water from the sink.

Back in the bus, they had no idea where the final destination of the bus was. They had not even looked at the tickets. Fear of getting caught were in their minds the whole time. They decided to go all the way, where the bus would stop completely. They just sat on their seats and slowly fell asleep.

This road was a road that went on for miles, stretching without any end ahead, like their lives, like their dreams.

In her dream, Helen saw birds, lots of them. She was sitting on a bench in a big square. There were benches all around. Many people were there to watch the birds and to feed them. They were throwing bread towards them! The birds would fly down to where the breads were and so expertly grabbed them and flew back up to the sky. But there were many bird gathered around Helen. She was eating her cold, salami sandwich that Jacob had bought her. The birds attacking her to get her food from her hand. She was trying to hide her sandwich inside her fists; but the birds' beaks were hurting her hands and she finally opened her fists and lost her sandwich to the hungry mouths of the birds. She woke up from her horrid dream and found herself next to Jacob in the bus. Was this dream telling her something she already did not know? She was not sure!!

To Be Continued