Odyssey... ~{`}~ 36- The Legend of Predicament

And Waiting, and waiting,

When fianlly Mario comes inside, Hana thinks she is ready to participate in the funeral of her son, Sam, what her mother could not do for her son, Hana's brother, Van.

"We can leave now." Mario whispers.

"Not you Mario. You're night a family. Get out of my house. Get out of my life. I don't want to see you again!"

Hana had no idea that she is going to say these things to her fiance. Her voice is sharp and has passed its prime. Mario lowers his head and picks up his briefcase and leaves without argument or one word.

"Mom, Why did you do that. It's not his fault that Sam is dead." Farhad, crying, says.

"That is my business. If I wasn't playing around, this wouldn't happen!"

Sylvie squeezes Farhad's arm to stay silent. She can see the tense situation and she is afraid that Hana may even throw her out.

In the cemetery, Hana has special place as the next of kin of the nineteen years old soldier. Farhad and Sylvie stand behind her. Sylvie's parents, Valery and her husband and most people from Hana's work have come. The military funeral is splendid and honorable. A big picture of Sam in uniform decorates the coffin which is enveloped in American Flag. Baskets of flowers are brought by the people whether they know Hana or not. Her son receives three gun salutes. Right before the burial, the folded American flag, which Hana missed seeing how it has been done since her eyes have been covered with a film of haze, is brought to her, and she uses her last energy to give her son the respect he deserves by not sobbing. At the end the tone of Taps over the grave, as the final bugle of the night Sam had heard overseas, finishes the glorious ceremony. The sound manifests the birth of Sam's newest, final, uttermost, and boundless sleep.

Hana is aged in one week so much so as though she is sixty years old. Her shaking, however, is not for the cold, February afternoon, but it is for the life she must live from now until her time comes. In fact, if it was not for Farhad's sake, for he is almost equally affected by the impact of this tragedy, Hana will not see any reason for living anymore. She has nothing left to give her light or happiness, even her soon to be published book does not mean anything now. She intentionally tortures her for the relation with Mario and tries to connect this tragedy to her indecent act of being intimate while not being married. All old habits return to her and she begins to carry a morbid character just to punish herself, as she did while Hamid was alive.

Behind the fence of cemetery, where the funeral is in progress, Mario gets out of his decorated car and stand there watching from far. All his dream have vanished with this disaster; nevertheless, he has sensed this before happening and has tried in desperation not to believe it. While tears rushing down his face, he, for the first time, lets his emotions fill there loudly. A passerby stops and asks him if he is all right!

"Yes, thank you for asking. That is the funeral of my step son to be. I'm just very upset."

"Why aren't you there then? Wouldn't you want to be with his mother now?"

Mario, bewildered, looks at the old man. He has kind eyes:

"She just broke up with me."

~

Hana goes home to begin her solitary life. When Farhad offers to move back in with her, she says:

"Absolutely not. You must live your life and take care of Sylvie. You're having a wedding in six months."

"Oh, mom, who wants to talk about wedding now."

"I don't want you to change your plan. Sylvie is a perfect girl for you. I don't want you to lose her."

"What about you, mom? Are you going back to Mario? You really were rude to him, poor man!"

She looks angrily at her son.

"No, no, it's all my fault that Sam is dead. If I was not with Mario..."

Farhad has blamed himself for his brother joining military; but now he knows arguing with his mother in this situation won't have any result but upsetting her even more; therefore, he thinks about finding ways after wounds are healed, if they ever heal, to bring Mario and his mother back together again. He can not possibly tell her that Sylvie's scholarship has come through and they are planning to go to Italy soon, so she can study classical realism in the University of Florence. He does not know how he can handle leaving his mom here while he wants to be with Sylvie and travel to Italy and go to school there. Mario is the only solution to his dilemma. He desperately wants them together and may be one day they get married.

Three days later, Hana wraps her engagement ring and register mails it to Mario's house, she even insures the package. She debates of writing a note to him since she can not find any guilt in this man to deserve what she is doing to him, but she does not. She hates to write. The famous to be writer hates to write. Mario receives the ring he has given to Hana as the token of his love. He loses the last tread of hope of getting back with her. Hopeless and helpless, he does not know how to cope with these double tragedies, losing the woman that he loves and a future son he wanted to father. One thing he needs to do before cutting completely from Hana, though. He thinks about writing her a note, but he ends up leaving her a message on her recorder.

"Sweetheart, I don't have any hard feeling at all. Believe me I understand. I got your package. I wish you kept it but I won't insist. I want you to forget about our romance and engagement, but if you ever need a friend just to talk, I always be there for you. Remember no one ever dies as long as there is someone left to remember him. When there is no one left to remember, it doesn't matter anymore because we are all together."

On twenty eight of February, 1991, Saddam pulls away from Kuwait. The operation Desert Storm brings faith to Americans for their soldiers and pride for their country.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{} 36- The Legend of Predicament

She buries her face in her hands and bursts into a frantic weeping. Meanwhile the belt of her robe opens and her naked body is completely exposed. She does not even notice that. Her hands are still on her face. Her fear and misery are mounting into a long pinnacle. The apex of her panic attack is like a meridian one reaches at the time of the intimacy. The Captain Helps her to lie down on the sofa. Except her black color underwear, she has nothing on. The embroidered blue and white robe is open and falling off her shoulder. Farhad runs to the bedroom and brings a blanket to cover his mother. Besides that act, when Farhad returns to the hallway and stands next to Mario and Sylvie, not an eye lid is moving. The world rings in her ears like the sound of so many howling animals, echoing in the far fathomless spirit that she has just lost; making forgotten memories to rock, and confused fears to wake; fear of hunger when they reached America, fear of Revolution, fear of void, fear of immigration, fear of losing her career, fear of attachment, fear of detachment, fear of living, fear of dying, fear of annihilation, fear of falling in love, fear of betrayal, fear of Hamid, and the paralyzing fears of everything, everywhere, and everyone. Hamid is dead! Sam is dead! Mom and dad are dead! Will she see them again? Will she hear from them again?

A motionless horror of loneliness grasps her. She sees herself standing alone and apart watching the world, a world that fades away, disappears; a world that used to have shadows and dreams, poetry, and creation. The Captain lays his hand on her face and says something; but she does not hear a word, a sound. She is gone, too, staggering through the shadows and reaching blindly through the darkness. Her soul dissolves into pathos. An unknown heat rushes through her head, and she falls unconscious, travels to where Sam is but can not reach him. Road blocks are everywhere. Again she sees the ship with so many windows and loud music she has seen in a nightmare some while ago; she sees all the dead ones standing in a row and bowing to her. They are all bones and no skin, but she recognizes them. The music is loud, but this time she can not hear their words like the last nightmare she has had. Her mouth is closed and dry. she is talking but no voice is coming out. She decides to join them.

A week later when Hana is released from hospital to be in Sam's funeral, her body is all black and blue of hitting herself in her entranced state of being. Her arms are all blue of the injections to find her veins when she was fighting the demons and evils in her stupefied predicament; and her spirit and soul are learning to be in a forbearing stoicism. She is like an animated corpse herself to go and put the corpse of her son into the ground. She walks without looking, talks without thinking, and listens without hearing.

Farhad and Sylvie help her to dress for the occasion, Sylvie put a soft make up on her face. She does not fight or object them. Sylvie tells her that she looks very pale. She listens but does not understand what Sylvie is saying. She lets them to pick her outfit, shoes, everything. The outfit is a black suit, one of her own design for the designer that she works. When Farhad helps her to get dressed, she does not even know that she is all naked in front of them. Mario is decorating his car with American flag and wreath of flowers. They are waiting for him to come home so they all go for this difficult task. Farhad is crying. Sylvie is hanging to him to comfort him. Hana is sitting on the sofa and is waiting, and waiting...

To Be continued

Odyssey... {~}36- The Legend of Predicament

{/}

When one of the American tragedy of the war happens on that mild January day, the dreams and hopes of those twenty eight who are killed vanish forever. They will not get to see their family and loved ones, their country, and the accomplishment of their goals; they never see the victorious America Pushes back Saddam out of Kuwait and they will pass "RESOLUTION" in UN, for no fly zones area in Iraq, instead of killing Saddam and cutting the head of snake. UN, the most corrupt international organization with its headquarter in New York, for the next ten years comes up with resolution after resolution, to keep Saddam in line. Why didn't America finish the job in 1991, is beyond the knowledge of the writer of these pages, but leaving international disputes to UN is one thing that shows corruption to its highest degree.

Sam never gets to write the letter he was about to write to his mother. When he was killed, he still had the piece of paper and a pen in his hand. The Scud Missile's aim has been Iraqi's vital organizations, but how could it make it there when the Scud falls apart in flight? The forward section of Scud, containing the explosive charge, falls on the barrack in Dhahran. The barrack explodes in flame like a ball of fire and many hopes fly like smoke including Sam's paper in his hand, which he wanted to write a sweet letter of love and acceptance to his everlasting depressed mother who has finally and for the first time was doing something wonderful for herself.

The television broadcasters report the tragedy right away. Very soon, they began showing pictures and videos of the burning barrack in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. When Hana hears Dhahran, she knows instinctively that her son is among dead. The hot line number that next of kin have to contact military is busy and as she makes mistakes dialing the number, Mario and Farhad volunteer to do that. It takes them a few hours to get through while even after the conversation they still do not know anymore than before. The news is hazy. Hana tries to call many places, but nothing seems to work that evening. It is time for action not depression, one of Hana's good quality has always been to take action at the time of the crises, like what she did right after the death of her father, while everyone was mourning, eating, and driving her crazy.

Mario and Farhad in the kitchen whisper while Sylvie tries to distract Hana in the living room. In the next forty eight hours they hear about the dead and wounded, but they also hear about many who have survived; those are the people who left the barrack when they heard that high pitched sound of the Scud and ran for their lives as far as they could. Nothing, good or bad, make Mario, Farhad, and Sylvie to leave Hana's apartment for forty eight hours. No one sleeps, or eats a real meal or go to work. For Hana is only cigarette and prescription Valium she got from her doctor to make her able to go through this time and Mario forces her to take. For Mario is his cigar and coffee, and Farhad and Sylvie eat a little cereal once in a while.

It is a cold Friday morning, mid January, Hana is finally dozing because of the effect of Valium. Others are sitting around her in silence, knowing the tragic moments will come soon since the families of the survivors and wounded already know about the safety of their loved ones. It has been three days since the news of this tragedy has broken. When the bell rings, everybody flies to the door while Hana opens her eyes from the nightmare of the short sleep, all shaking and horrified. It is an army Captain in Uniform, handsome and young along with another soldier, a Sergeant. There is a deep sorrow, not a fake one in both faces and eyes. Mario and Farhad back up since they know, as the military custom is, they are there to see Hana. The Captain does not need to ask for Sam's mother, for it is very obvious among the four people in the house who the mother is. He can see the desperate Hana on the sofa with messy hair and red eyes, wearing only a robe, all open in front with only a tie at waist and exposing her legs. He comes close while the Sergeant follows him. He stands in front of her, the sergeant stands a few step back without speaking even a word. Farhad, Sylvie, and Mario are standing in the hallway that is parallel to the living room, all frozen with horror. Farhad is crying loud and uncontrollably.

As the Captain has done this loathsome job many times before, since his own injury and disability, somehow it seems to him that this one is the worst of all. But later in the car the sergeant who always accompanies him, reminds him that he always feels the same for all of the families that he informs them of the death of their loved ones. These two are American soldiers who have wounded and became disabled, some worse than others. Now their job is to inform families of death of their loved ones. He hates his job, so does the sergeant, but some one has to do it.

He stands there, looking at Hana. She looks at him as well with no tears but a feverish energy that pierces him through. He goes beyond his call of duty, which he has memorized them, "never touch anyone, never say any extra word, never stand there and begin a conversation." There are some phrases that he now knows them by heart. "Just say those words and no matter what happens, leave. One of those phrases is that "Pentagon will contact you for funeral arrangement."

As he tries to begin his duty, to inform this mother, somehow he goes beyond the call of duty. He stretches his hand and holds Hana's hand and then sits on the floor in front to her. The sergeant behind him is thinking, "What the h...he is doing?"

"I am so sorry..." He can not go on.

The sergeant behind him is thinking to report him for deviating from their routine informing.

Hana calmly says:

"please sit down on a chair. Farhad bring a cup of coffee for the Captain."

"No, madam, thank you. I am here to inform you...!"

"All right Captain, you're here to talk to Sam's mother, aren't you?"

"Yes, Aren't you Sam's mother?"

The sergeant standing in complete owe for what is happening. He has never seen anything like this. This Captain will be in a lot of problem if he reports him.

"Yes, I am Sam's mother." Hana begins. Suddenly she raises her voice in a way that no one in that room has ever heard. She gets up from the sofa with difficulty, putting her hands on her knees and pulls herself to standing position, and turns to Mario, Farhad, and Silvie. She raises her hand and points to the door while screaming: "Just throw these people out of my home. This is only for me to hear."

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~ 36- The Legend of Predicament

~`~

Hana does not know how to tell Mario about her new decision of postponing their wedding to another time. In a conversation with Valery, her friend tells her that she must get hold of herself and do not make every one's life miserable. Valery tells her:

You can never find a man like Mario. I am not saying this because he is my cousin. You know it yourself."

Of course Hana knows it herself. She is truly in love with him; she respects him, she has so much in common with him. She knows all of that. She knows that she will disappoint her son, Farhad; but she just can not go through this supposedly joyful event because she feels that it is not fair to Mario to marry a woman with moods that swings up and down constantly and forcefully. She hates herself for this, but she is so depressed that her thoughts are on nothing but Sam. Sam all the time! She breathes Sam, lives for his safe return. She is also not sure if Sam has really approved this marriage. She is confused, doubtful. She wants to hear Sam says that he authorizes this, that he likes this, that it is good for his mother to do this, as her other son, Farhad, has done. She has not heard any of these from Sam. He has never had a chance to know Mario the way Farhad has. No matter what everyone says, even Valery's sarcastic remark that by not marrying Mario, she would be the loser not him, she still is not sure of anything. She thinks that perhaps Valery is right; nonetheless, she feels what she feels and she can not do anything about it. Finally one evening, when Mario is on a short trip for business, and Farhad and Sylvie are at her apartment, she talks to them about her feelings.

After the normal surprise and negative comments by Farhad and her fiance, when Hana is able to prove it to them that she could never find out how Sam felt about this, finally Farhad says:

"All right, mom! I don't like what you're doing, but I understand. Mario is a very sensitive and understanding man. He definitely gets hurt by this, yet he will recognize your confusion and your decision. I just hope you don't lose him because of this."

Sylvie agrees with Farhad. "Hana, if I may say, Mario has been very patient with you!"

Hana is somehow offended by what she hears. She thinks if Mario loves her enough, she will never lose him.

"So what if I lose him? If he leaves me because I want to wait for my son's safe return home and his approval, than he is not that good that you claim him to be."

Farhad and Sylvie thinks about what Hana says and without telling her, they agree with her even though a minute before they were thinking that she is a pain for any man.

Mario is back from his short trip on Saturday. He comes straight to Hana's home. After their normal talk about Sam and his trip, Mario, who has noticed a change in her right away, says in a very gentle way:

"What is sweetheart? What is bothering you? You have something in mind. Do you wan to tell me? Has anything happened while I was gone?"

There is deafening silence for a while which seems to Mario as a long time. He is guessing what the issue is. He is knowing it for a while, but he has hoped beyond hope that it is not true. When finally she starts talking, he feels certain exactly how the conversation will go.

"I was thinking..."

She can not finish what she wanted to say. He comes to her help:

"Do you want to postpone the wedding?"

"How do you know what I wanted to tell you?"

"I know you sweetheart. Actually I was thinking about it myself." He lies to make her feel better. Then he continues:

"You're absolutely right. I don't think it is right for us to marry if Sam is not back. Let's postpone the wedding. Let's say if Sam is back before Valentine's day, perhaps we have a small ceremony and get married, if not, then we wait until he comes back."

Hana is very thankful to this angel of man; however she never tells him about her apprehension of getting married at all.

As Hana is glued to the television every evening, watching the news of the war, she wants to be left alone. The fact that every evening Farhad, Sylvie and Mario are there, is driving her crazy. Their presence, specially Mario's recently bothers her. She wishes that they stay at their home and leave her abandoned. When it comes to Mario, she desires that may be she can find some fault in him so she can get rid of him; but this man is perfect, he is receptive, bright, kind, understanding, and he loves her dearly. She knows that she loves him, too; nevertheless, she does not like the game of girlfriend and boyfriend and she definitely does not want to get married. She thinks that people do change their mind. So what if she has changed her mind, too. But how can she tell him that this moment belongs to her and she does not want to share it with anybody. May be in future she changes her mind. But would he go for that. Would he be available when she runs back to him. People may call her crazy, but she feels what she feels and there is no argument about it.

When one day she tells Farhad about her feelings, he does call her crazy.

"Mom, you must be out of your mind. Do you want to live all alone for the rest of your life and wither like a crumbled paper? I have a suggestion for you, why don't you get a dog so when you're very old, you can have a companion!"

Therefore, after she hears almost insulting words of her son, she decides to keep her morbid thoughts for herself and tries to antagonize Mario by her behavior. "Maybe he leaves me so I don't have to tell him how I feel!" And how does she feel? She is in love with a man that she would give her life to if necessary, but she does not want to be with him! Strange!

But he does not leave. He stays by her side kinder and more loving than ever. Ironically when one evening Mario can not be with her because of a meeting he must attend, Hana feels miserable and desperate and wants him hopelessly. She wonders about all these mixed emotions. "Farhad is right. I'm losing my mind."

{/}

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 36- The Legend of Predicament

Operation Desert Storm has started with a push of a button on board of an American Battleship miles away from Baghdad. America faces less casualties than any other war during the four weeks air war which a dozen are victims of so called friendly fire and twenty eight others lose their lives when an American Scud crashes over Saudi Arabia and falls on an American Barrack. American Missiles bomb the vital organizations in Iraq which paralyze that country. Everything moves fast as it has been planned by generals; and the chance that Americans fulfill successfully their mission before the dead line are great. Nevertheless, war is war for either countries, families and friends, and especially for people who participate in it.

Sam and many others are in an American Barrack in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, waiting for orders. As these young soldiers, each in his own way, try to cope with the unknowns of the war, for many like Sam, it is the first time being in action. Some of them look so young that one wonders if they have reached puberty. The ambiance is tense; nonetheless, having the treasure of youth, mostly try to entertain themselves either by playing cards, listening to radio, or just a simple conversation with all these new friends they have found. As it has always been customary, their youth brings an artificial joy and laughter and the sense of "nothing can happen to me". The barrack is filled with their voices.

However things for Sam is a little different. He finds some people to make friends with, none from Texas, but yet, as always he has a hard time to let go of his ongoing aloofness, which in fact is the sense of wanting to be left alone. He chooses solitude over a conversation or playing cards. Drowned in his own thoughts, he watches the lively crowd, who laugh outside and perhaps cry inside. He wonders how people can show happiness while they are sad, and how they can laugh and be loud while they sob within and want to be silent. As his thoughts merges from the abyss he is to his home, mom, Farhad, and their new loves, Mario and Sylvie, he also yearns for a normal life when parents stay father and mother forever, and there is no betrayal. He curses his dead father for his inhumane attitude towards him, his brother, and especially his mother. As hard as it is for him emotionally to share his mom with another man, he knows logically that his mother deserves the best; and he is sure that Mario is the best man for her even though he has seen him only twice and under a very tense circumstances. As he introspects his before the last visit with his mother, he remembers that he told her in a sarcastic way to go ahead with the wedding. As well as he knows her, he is certain that he has planted an inexplicit seed in her mind and she may not marry after all. He does not want to wait for the end of war to tell her that. He intended to tell her on the phone, but the line was cut off. His last option is a letter, but he is not much of a writer like her mother. But this is something he must do; otherwise he will feel terrible until he returns home. That tenderhearted thought brightens his soul momentarily. He gets up to pick up a piece of paper to write a letter. A sudden silence falls on the barrack. Every body is quiet and they try to listen to a high pitched sound coming from sky, above the barrack. Many run outside, and shortly after some come back in.

"It's a plane in fire. It looks like one of ours. It's going to fall on us."

The soldier that says that along with some others run outside again. And how lucky are those who fly out of the barrack.

Is Sam among them?

~`~

To Be Continued