Odyssey... ~~11-Extreme Ruination

Dallas-

A dim light forces through the crevice of closed drapes. It is the light of the vanishing sun in the twilight; and if one of the hooks of drap was not missing, Hana will not be able to see blazing sun which is disappearing behind the furthermost skies in the dusk of the day. That obscure gleam slowly fades away and leaves her in the dark room; where she has made a museum of all her memories. She laughs when a good reminiscence passes her mind and frowns to see all unsightly ones which they continue to torment her. She wonders about the cold, unfeeling, and unaware Behroz in his dreary grave. She does not know how long ago he died. Nobody has told her. If she knew the exact date of his death, she can estimate what stage of mortality his body is at this time. Is he all bones, or some of his skin and flesh are still connected to his body? What about his eyes? Those penetrating, warm, and kind eyes which always were soft for her and many tormented others, and pierced through for spiteful, and arrogant users. What really happened to him?

Even though life separated them five years ago, just the feeling of having him on the other side of the world has been so blissful for her that anytime she wanted to practice her forgotten skill of writing, she wrote long letters to him. In his part, he never was able to write her back the very true feelings and ideas he had, especially when it came to soothe Hana for her woeful life with Hamid; because he knew that Hamid would read all her letters from Iran. However one thing the uncle and niece had learned from childhood to prevent others from discovering the theme of their conversation, and that was to speak in code language; that was to talk in a secretive way which looked meaningless to others but very significant to them. They used the material of all the books they had read to apply to their own situation and problems. In his letters to Hana, mostly Behroz used the same technique to answer her letters and sometimes give a code message to her when it came to problems she had with ever evil husband of hers. Hamid never understood those letters and in his derisive and contemptuous manner found them funny and immature and called them backward people who lived in dream world and pages of the books.

In the absolute darkness of the room in the city of lights and activities, she suffers to see the last vision of her uncle and mentor is dissipating. She remembers his faithfulness to Lida, the only woman he ever loved, who had gone to Canada. Even though Lida was married, Behroz never looked at another woman; and refused his family's repeated insistence to marry. He stayed single in his world of books and knowledge; a loner who knew more than anyone and understood all types of pains. Hana was the only one in the family who knew the real reason of him not getting married. When she told him at some far, lost year, that she had heard about Lida's marriage in Canada, he nodded his head and said:

"I already know about it. I expect more than this from you, Hana. I don't care if she is married. I truly wish her happiness; but I can't and won't marry as long as I live. How can I? Lida's memory has overwhelmingly captivated my life. There is no other woman for me!"

Hana scolds herself for not having the sublime quality of her uncle, who stayed faithful to Lida until he died. She, on the other hand, did not remain devoted to memory of Saeid after his suicide. Nevertheless, she wonders if her marriage to Hamid was only because she wanted to torture herself! Wasn't it because she felt so guilty for Saeid's death that she wanted to carry that bitter incident with her till death? Therefore, in every minute of her life a drop of that poisonous taste would enter her blood stream and she could feel the indelible weakness and resentment that her only true love, Saeid, had faced. In that moment of timorous striving, she hears applause of the world to her unfathomable repentance; and casually she drifts away to a more privet place, where all spirits wander, to conjure up more of those days.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... **11-Extreme Ruination

The next day after work, when she saw Hamid, she knew the difficulty of telling him that things between them was over. Overwhelmed by her own consciousness, she used her last energy for that long, afflicted problem and looked straight in Hamid's eyes.

"I don't want to marry you." She almost melted beneath her own relentless words.

Hamid, who at first thought that was a joke, soon realized the seriousness of those words. He bewildered and in shock, covered his face with both hands and stayed that way for awhile. Hana, impatient for a quick response, pulled his hands from his face and saw two eyes of blazing flames like the scary character of a horrific movie. Frightened of that sensation, she moved her hands, as though they were burnt of a sudden fire; and that gave Hamid a brusque fierceness which left her in a vulnerable place without scape.

"Why? Why? What have I done? Don't I love you enough?"

Hana, being desperate, thought she had to get it over with.

"It is not that. Believe me. I know you love me. I know you want to help us with Van's case; I know all of them, but..."

He cut her through: "But what? What else do you want? Is it your family, isn't it."

"No, it is not. It's me. They don't even know about it. Do you understand? It is my own decision. Promise!"

"But why? Don't you love me?"

"It is not that simple. Many things are happening in my life now. My family needs me. I want to finish college. I have mixed..."

Hamid interrupted her again: "Nobody is stopping you of helping your family or finishing college! This is why I told you many times when we marry, we live with your family so we can help them; both of us, you and I, not you alone. Isn't that better?"

Hana, at this point, wanted to tell him things she knew they would hurt him a lot; like he could not even support himself, or he used people. She ended up by saying:

" Oh, Hamid, stop it. You don't even have a job. You can't help even yourself. How do you want to help my family?" As words coming out of her mouth, her anger was increasing; yet she was happy that she had finally told him the truth, which if she wanted to put it in a true term, she would had said: "You're a user, not even that , you're an abuser."

"So that is it! You want to marry a rich man, isn't that right?"

"Don't insult me, Hamid. I don't want to marry any one. I'm not ready. I don't feel like marrying at all."

"But you're almost twenty. It is time for you. A year from now nobody will look at you. You'll be an old maid."

"I don't care, Hamid. You think like the old fashioned people. Your standard of life is a very different than mine. I am a free woman. I don't care about these stupid tradition that man can marry at any age but a woman must marry before twenty. Even twenty is late."

Hamid suddenly recognized that he had just said a very wrong thing to a woman like Hana. He tried to correct it by saying:

"What I said, it is not my idea, it's our society. We live here. That is all."

The conversation lasted the entire bus ride. While Hana was getting ready to get off at the next stop, Hamid, was struggling hopelessly to gain her back.

"Please, listen to me; let me walk with you to the campus and we talk more."

"No, I don't want to miss my classes."

"Just for one evening. This is the matter of life and death.!"

The sudden stop of the bus did not give her the chance to understand what his last words meant. When she got off the bus, he followed her across the street, and they both entered the campus. There, frenzied Hana, asked:

"What did you mean by life and death?"

Hamid, whose last bluff had hit the target, sighed of a sudden relief.

"You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do."

He stopped while both of his hands were in his pocket. He lingered for awhile to make her even more impatient; and finally removed his left hand from his pants pocket. Should Hana understood the dark side of the human nature a little more, she would be able to discover the deceptive and devilish brain work behind the supplicating face of that immoral young man, who was determined to find a life away from his mother and own family in that impetuous doom's day. His delaying and her immature impatience caused an ambiance of distraught annihilation which were beyond endurance. After making her to wait long enough in this abyss of abandonment, he finally opened his fist; and there it was a rolled brown piece of paper.

"Do you know what this is?" He asked her in a dominating voice, yet shaky, while pointing to rolled paper in his hand.

"No, I don't!"

"It's Taryak ( A dark brown color opium, customary among Iranian, mostly men for smoking). Do you know why I have it?"

She looked at him through the haze of her eyes and nodded for no.

"I had a feeling this may happen. Somehow I got it through a friend. Now I am going to swallow it right now and end my life and you can't stop me."

He sat down on a bench that happen to be there; looking so miserable that all passer by looked at him.

"Give it to me. You can't do this." She said hysterically.

He closed his hand tight while looking at the ground.

"Yes, I can and I will. In fact, I'll take it right now."

She desperately began a striving brawling to open his fist; and in the midst of that frenzy, he gently hugged her. She despondently fell for his unprecedented tenderness and caresses. When she finally pulled herself back from him to avoid the curious stare of people, he, to complete his evil plan, removed the paper wrap and pretended that he was about to take it.

Frantic Hana screamed: "No, no..."

People around looked more intensely.

"Tell me you marry me. Tell me you love me, then I throw it out."

She obediently repeated what he asked of her while being completely bewildered of the cloudless sky that looked gray and red.

What she did not know and it took a man like uncle Nabi to tell her, was that the size of Taryak he had in his hand, would not kill anyone even a person that never had used opium. Second even that small amount cost a lot of money. Third how was it that he had it unless he smoked it; meant that he was addicted to it. Fourth, where did he get the money to pay for it, stole it from her parents and from Hana's wallet; something he was doing all along. Oh, why that women, even the ones like Hana that tried to be free and different could be so naive and and stupid? Was it because of the way they were brought up; or was it an inherent thing amongst them?!

Late that night, when they kissed goodbye, she was stupefied over an abyss of repentance; and he was gratified by the triumph and thinking how to make life miserable for her after they were married.

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 11-Extreme Ruination

Dallas-

Hana Shudders and goes as white as a sheet. She is speechless, motionless, not hearing, unseeing, and unfeeling. The shrill, frantic cries of all her memories ring in her ears like so many farewells. Her eyes fill with tears and at last they drop like streamlet down her face and neck. She buries her face with her hands. Hamid retaliates with a look which crushes her has she not been completely crushed already. His agitation increases rapidly, while this time she can not recognize it. There is a film of tears inside her eyes that will not let her to see anything. She is exhaustively bewildered. The letter falls from her hand on the floor, and Hamid immediately grabs it. He stands there vacantly and hesitantly while reading it. After finishing it, he pulls a chair and sat on it to prevent the sudden shock affecting his body. When they both finally come to their senses, Hamid with a voice that is barely audible, says:

"This is terrible. I've always liked Behroz."

Hearing the name of her favorite uncle and ever lasting friend brings Hana to another hysterical cry; and she thinks despondently: "When will my turn come?" Where is the great, just God who has taken so many people she loved from her? Where is the wisdom and endurance to confront the misery of all the losses? Constant sleepless Hana, tries to remember dad, Saied, Van, and ... But somehow all their faces fade away in a cloudless horizon of her mind which is out of her reach, The memories of Behroz float in the room; the days of their "Secret Society", and the days of their sneaking books out of the locked cabinet; however, one thing Hana remembers the most. As hateful as Hamid has always been towards everyone, he has always liked Behroz. In fact, Behroz was the only human being on earth that Hamid did not hate.

Strange! Behroz, a soft spoken, gentle, and self educated man at age forty two, who had lost his life in a car accident, in his own way, was more powerful than Nabi, his brother, who was named the brain of the family. Behroz's penetrating eyes, deep and profound, softened uproarious soul of a maniac like Hamid; something that his powerful brother, Nabi could not do. He was gifted by a magical power that gave peace to Hana when she needed it; and calmed Hamid's outrage, and fuming acts.

Suddenly, exasperated Hana recalled Saeid's desperate suicide. If he had trusted behroz's promise, he had never killed himself. Hana ponders even more that if Saeid had returned to his home town, Behroz probably was able to soften all the bumpy roads, and they eventually would had married. She does not know what to believe at this point. Have people's lives been predestined even before they are born; or they take their courses later? She is not sure! Nonetheless, she is certain that Behroz's death was not the result of an accident. For some intuitive reason, she just can not believe it. Why don't they write her the truth? After her so many unanswered letters to Behroz, now they tell her that he had died in an accident! When did it happen? She does not know. Big Dallas becomes the graveyard of her loved ones, who all are buried in Tehran. Not in her speaking voice, but in her mind's voice, she growls like an angry dog:

"A big ocean of graves remains calm at all the times, so far away, so distant, and so cold. They howl from within the earth to living people to not forget them. The spirit of dead will survive in my memory forever."

Tehran-

On Hana's twentieth birthday, two months after the meeting with Amir, when he had told them that Van was in Evin Prison, two other events happened. The first one appeared to be blissful and rapturous at the time; and the second one was the supreme torture that caused an excruciating anguish along with utmost pain for all the family. What became of the second one which happened later in the evening, many hours after the first one, was a despairing powerlessness and fragility for the older member of the family which they would never find a cure for it; and changed most younger members to stony, impenetrable unbelievers.

!!!

Hana saw Hamid in numerous occasions between the meeting with Amir and her birthday. Hamid, who showed a great, impassioned fervor for Van's case, made it difficult and almost impossible for Hana to tell him her decision. She endeavored many times to bring up the issue of breaking up, but each time, words came out of her mind's voice not speaking one. Meanwhile Hamid vehemently spoke of future plans and insisted on engagement on Hana's birthday. His evocation of energy brought Hana to a bordering collapse. Every night at home, she chided herself for giving more hope to Hamid by delaying to tell him what she really felt. In her hallucinated nebulosity, she called Lila, her other- self, only to see her valiant face. Then she discussed the very important problem of her life with Lila. How to reject Hamid? Lila, in her own way of rectitude, set a fire by her true, sardonic, and provocative presence in Hana's entire existence; which persuaded Hana to get it over with the next day when he saw Hamid. However, when the next day came, she in a lingering manner, postponed it again. Hamid's ardent sobriety to marry her, made her to believe that he truly loved her; and she, who had learned for the last couple of years to be supportive and protective of others, felt a displeased responsibility towards the destitute young man, who was begging her love and most likely her support.

Struggling with her mixed emotion, finally a vision struck her. There were many people out there who needed someone and it happened that Hamid was one of them. She could not and would not act upon her sense of obligation to save all the insolvent people of the world. She decided to tell Hamid right away her true feelings. That thought relieved her of many tormented anguishes; and a spiritual solace slowly entered her body and eased into every nerves of her existence. She thought hard and deep about her feeling for him; and sadly she discovered what she felt was love, was only the feeling of being sorry for him.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...@@ 10- Monster

While Hamid was trying to change Gol's coldness towards him impatiently, Gol's affliction sizzled beneath her smiling face, which was so strange to Hana. This was the first time that Gol was meeting Hamid and his uncle. Amir, as usual came late; and after the normal introduction, Hana realized her mother's first impression for Amir, who was a professor of law and a major in military, was positive. On the other hand her mother, it was obvious, could not stand Hamid. She did not need to hear anything from her mother to know how she felt. She knew every movement of that familiar face; and she could interpret them to words. Therefore, when Hana deemed that mom liked Amir, she was very right. Even Hamid noticed Gol's liking to his uncle.

In the frenzied struggle, Hamid thought that he was one step closer to marry Hana, Gol's daughter, since he knew she would not marry him without the blessing of her family. He wished that his uncle's news would be a real good one. He knew any help to find out where they kept Van and what charges was, if it came from his uncle, would soften Hana's strong willed family. To impress gol, he ordered the best and the most expensive pastries with cinnamon and tea for everyone. While trying to be hospitable, as though the cafe was his home, he practically showed all his anxiety and nervousness. Amir, who was studying his nephew's behavior around these mother and daughter, was smart enough to see Hamid's real reason.

"Sit down Hamid. This is not home. Why are you doing the server's job?" If he could only tell the two women to run from his nephew. He did not care for his brother's family at all. His brother's wife had brought them up to be like monsters even the girls.

Hamid, shocked, realized the hidden message behind his uncle's words, and quietly sat down.

Amir's hesitation to beging the conversation seemed not like a good news Hamid had told Hana the day before. Both mother and daughter felt an impetuous empathy that connected them in their despairing apprehension. When Gol opened her mouth to talk, Amir's words were already in the air:

"Any news is better than no news. I wish I had some good news for you. " He paused and raised his eyes to see the flare in Gol's eyes.

Hana on her chair, shivered for that beginning, while Hamid felt his chance for marrying Hana was diminishing. After a minute of silence, Amir continued:

"Anyway, you may know that there are hundreds of thousands political prisoners all over the country. I've found out that van is in Evin Prison, right here in Tehran."

Evin Prison rang in Gol's ears like a loud drum. She knew that prison was the worst of all. It was notorious for killing all its prisoners and throwing away their bodies somewhere unknown, and never even gave their dead bodies to the families. Gol's thought traveledd to her daughter's mind, who was still shaking on her chair. . Amir, who noticed The two women's breakdown, did not know how to continue. Finally, Gol, through the haze of her eyes, looked at Amir dramatically and stammered:

"Please go on."

"I understand how you feel. I really can't do much. Usually Savak don't respect military much. You know that is a separate organization to protect Monarchy from domestic terror. They specially don't like people like me , who leave Savak and join Military. They call us bad names. They tell us that we use Savak for a few years to become an officer in Military. However, my close friend , who I went to school with, works for Savak. He gave me this information." He stopped at this moment to take a sip from his tea. It seemed as though his emotion was getting him down, too. He continued:

"He also told me in a very near future, about thirty prisoners will be executed..."

At this point, Gol broke in to a hysterical cry. Hana got up from her chair and hugged her head from behind while trying to control her own hysteria . Gol, with a wave of hand told Hana to sit down and turned to Amir and Said: "I am sorry, please go on."

Amir, completely shook up to be the one to give these news to this grieving mother and daughter, continued.

"Where was I... Oh, yes, another twenty prisoner will be transferred to the prisons in other cities; and only a few will be set free. My friend said that he did not know what would happen to Van! I am so sorry to be the one to tell you all these news. But let's pray that your son will be among the one would be freed.'" He was very sincere in his talking about what was fact and what was his own emotion. He wished he had not been involved in this case.

The startling news brought Gol and Hana to their final collapse. Hana, losing her electric vitality, broke into a hysterical cry that she was trying to avoid because of her mother. Suddenly Hamid got up from his chair and walked to Hana and held her. Gol's uncontrollable rage caused her penetrating eyes to pierce Hamid through and in a voiceless manner, she told him: "How dare you to touch my daughter?"

Petrified Hamid went back to his seat. Intelligent Amir was aware of those exchanging looks. He tried to put himself in Gol's place and a cold flow of horrible thrill entered his body.

"I am so sorry. I wish I could do something. One thing my friend promised. He said that he will let me know when the transferring or the other happen."

"You mean after they happen! Won't be that a little late to do something for my son?" Gol's voice was now completely inaudible.

"I am, so sorry. I have no control what Savak does. I believe in my heart that Savak organization is wrong and causes more people turn agains the Shah and government. That is why I got out. I couldn't take it anymore." Amir's voice showed his expressive sorrow.

"Well.thank you. At least now we know where he is. We must go now. Hana find the waiter. I want the check." Gol said firmly. All those beautiful pastries had stayed untouched except Hamid's.

Hamid got up from his chair and in a very respectful manner said:

"No, please, let me pay the bill."

Hana was surprised that he had brought money with him that day; and she thought: "He wants to impress my mom."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ^<>^ 10- Monster

Dallas-

With swollen eyes and abused body, caused by sleeplessness and the heavy punches of Hamid, in the immoral world surrounding her, Hana staggers like a ghost and wonders about the disappearance of her karma. In a conversation, her other- self, Lila tells her about her visit with Hamid in the bathroom.

"I really scared him."

"I had to be punished for it!" Hana finds nothing funny about that act; while Lila laughs uncontrollably. Hana frowns and the furrow between her eyebrows deepens even more. She feels creating the other- self was another mistake she has made in her life. As strong and resilient as Lila is, Hana does not know how to get rid of this self invention.

Secretly from her family, she goes to a doctor. She hears about not only bruises all overs her body but also the sever damages to her private parts. The doctor asks her how did this monstrous act happen to her! Hana, angry for putting herself on display, does not say a word.

"You know in this country, we can put men in jail for this!" The female doctor says.

Hana, twisting in pain, shyly answers:

"He is not any man, he is my husband."

That is even worse. How can you take this cruelty?"

Hana bents her head while feeling sorry for herself. She deems as though she is at the point of breaking into a flood of tears.

"Why do you let him do this to you?"

"I can't do anything about it. He is very strong and he beats me."

Blood runs to the young, blond doctor's cheek. She says furiously:

"This is rape. You need a lot of stitches. May be men can do this to their wives in your country but not here. I must call the police and report this."

Hearing the word police frightens Hana tremendously. Suddenly, she jumps down from the examining bed and quickly puts on her clothes and is about to fly away.

"What are you afraid of?" The doctor tries to stop her.

Hana Pushes her aside and flies out of her office while is happy that she has given false name, address, and phone number.

Tehran-

Twenty one days passed from the spiteful argument at home over marrying Hamid. The day before, when Hana came to resolution that her family had been right, she had decided to let Hamid know first of changing her mind. However, that day, she despondently did not know how to say it or if she could say it. When three o'clock in the afternoon was announced by the school bell, she wished that the work day would continue or perhaps Hamid would not show up to accompany her in the bus to college. Walking to Bus station, she thought to take a taxi or not to go to college at all. However something inside of her was pushing her to the bus station, where she knew he was waiting for her. "I must do it today." She told herself. "How should I say it? You're not right for me. I am not ready to marry. I can't go against my family!" The more she thought, the more she knew it had to be spontaneous; and she could not practice for it like playing a role.

When they were in the bus and found two seats next to each other on the upper level of the bus, he held her hand.

"I have a good news for you."

She, who was engrossed in her vague thoughts, suddenly became alert.

"What is the good news?"

"My uncle has found somebody who might know where Van is."

The name Van rang in her ears; and she, who had almost forgotten about her imprisoned brother for being involved in her own chaotic life, secretly scolded herself while disguising a smile.

"Who is that somebody?"

"I am not sure. He wants to see you and your mother. We need to arrange a time for it."

She remembered her earlier decision for rejecting him that day. She realized at that moment she could not act on what she had planned for twenty one days. Now Van's situation was back on the surface again and it was more important that her dilemma.

"This is great. Let's see your uncle as soon as possible.

"All right. I talk to him tonight."

That evening at home, Hana finally broke the boycott of not speaking; and blissfully told her mother about the good news. Gol, who had a hard time to be optimistic, especially when it came to Hamid and his relatives, shook her head:

"I don't know. Somehow I can't be hopeful."

"Mom, any little news is better than no news. Let's see Hamid's uncle and then we'll see."

Hamid called the same evening to tell Hana of their appointment with his uncle for the next day. After a little discussion, he agreed to set the contact in the tea shop on P. Square. Gol, who was standing next to Hana, asked her daughter after she hanged up, what the discussion was for.

"Just for where we meet tomorrow with his uncle!"

"Why? Where did he want us to meet?"

"Here, in our home. I said no. So we'll see them tomorrow in the tea shop."

Gol frowned; and Hana did not dare to pursue the issue any further. In fact, at that point, Hana, herself, did not believe in Hamid. However, the slightest chance that Amir could help them to find Van was the only gleam of hope they had. They needed to solve the mysterious capture of Van. A fervid enthusiasm in her obscure room enlightened her exhausted soul and body; and after twenty one days of anxiety and sleeplessness, she slept comfortably that night.

##

To Be Continued

Odyssey...=+= 10- Monster

In the next twenty days Hana did all her everyday, normal routine. There was only one change in every one's life- no one talked to Hana because she did not talk to anyone. Every afternoon, at the end of work day, she would ride a bus to go to college. She secretly saw Hamid almost everyday. He, who looked frustrated, would repeatedly bring up the unsolved question, when? Hana, who had no true answer for that question, would say, soon. The twenty minuets ride to college would spend in silence most of the time. In one occasion, Hamid tried to touch her leg in the bus, and she stopped him at once.

"What is it? Don't you love me anymore?"

"Of course, I do. It's just not right."

Hana, who had tried to rise above the custom of a country in which women were oppressed, was not sure if that statement was a true one. She had always thought if two people loved each other truly, they did not need the holy words of a Molla (Muslim Priest) for marriage. They could be joined in marriage away and far from law and religion and say those holy words under the canopy of sky to each other. They could be together faithfully with honor, respect, and loyalty which are the requirement of any healthy marriage without going through the ceremony conducted by a charlatan. When she objected Hamid's touch, did it mean before marriage! If her perspective of marriage had passed above the standard of the society, why she did not want him to touch her? Did she believe what she preached? Or perhaps she knew what she stood for was right but she did not believe Hamid was the right person for her! Perhaps she had come to understanding that her family was right! If that was the case, why did she want to marry him so badly that no one, not even her grandfather and Behroz were able to change her mind?! Did she spitefully want to ruin her life and be wretched only to prove to her family that she was against their culture and she was free to do whatever she wanted to do!? Therefore, her intention had to be going against the crowd! Was that not a childish and dangerous game only to prove to her family that they could not run her life any more?! Could she not think of something smarter so it would not ruin her entire future?

It took her twenty days to explore her true feelings after the chaotic argument with her family. She finally came to resolution that her family was right; and Hamid was a user, even worse than that, an abuser and charlatan. His eyes were not the eyes of a normal man but a sociopath. Why didn't he ever talk about his family or where he live? Remembering his insistence for living in Hana's home after marriage, despondently trembled her. Discovering that shocking truth, her family known it and she had not, shuddered her. She finally came to realization that one's elders were always had more experience; even though she had more education.

She was not sure how to break the news to Hamid and then to her family. She could hear the ring of so many inquisitive voices in her ears: "We told you so. We told you he is a user." If just her family would not say those words to her! Imagining herself at home or at her grandparents', she could see her family's derisive smile; and she could hear more of those hammering words: "We told you, we told you..." Depressed and angry at herself, she felt as though that mistake was not a forgiven one. She understood no matter what, she would always live with that indelible guilt. Pondering over a solution, she decided to tell Hamid first.

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{} 10- Monster

Tehran-

In the process of misfortunate disappearance of Van for the last nine months, Hana and Hamid saw each other in many occasions, which were mostly for their own reasons rather than mysterious vanishing of Van. Her mother knew of some of these meetings; and she contributed them to Van's case. However, Gol did not not know all of them.

Hana's spending money on him did not bother her but gave her a sense of protective superiority she had learned after her father's death. What she never thought about or perhaps did not want to know was why Hamid always forgot to bring money with him! Since she never dared to talk about her very special feelings to Hamid to anyone in her family, so they could guide her, she did not know how that evil young man was using her in many ways. Since dating and seeing the opposite sex was prohibited in their culture, all these visits she had with him was secretive. If she lived in a culture that she could date, perhaps she could talk about his strange behavior to someone and she would get some advice; But that was not her case.

The very first touch happened in a day that they were walking in a alley close to her house. The cold autumn weather had turned nature into a color that needed an artist to paint that breath taking beauty. The breakage of the dry leaves beneath their shoes sounded like a romantic music that had been composed only for lovers. The ambiance was so moving in her eyes that she sighed and tears filled her eyes. That moment was hers. Since the death of her father and the vanishing of Van she had not had any moment like this for herself. He, who was looking at her, held both of her hands in his and gently brought her to a stop. He squeezed her hand with so much gentleness that she attribute it to his gentlemanly way. The sensation of that contact for an ever untouched twenty years old woman was thrilling and very new. It was not like the empathy she had felt for Saeid three years before; but it was something indescribable. In the dusk of that shadowy alley, where very little of dying sun were forced through the autumn trees, Hana's knees bent of a sudden shock. He held her. Then it was the first kiss, her very first kiss. He would not let go of that long kiss; and she gradually dropped her shield and relaxed to be kissed more. She felt as though her entire body was melting by a heat that was not fire but created a fire. She let her defense drop and pulled him close to herself. The fire within her was something so new to her that she did not know the meaning of it. When she noticed that he wanted more than kisses, she pushed him away while she, herself, wanted more. In her pleasure, she knew that she could not give in to his desire. A good, decent girl would never do these things. He, who was clever enough to read her mind, whispered in her ears:

"It's okay honey. I want to marry you."

This was the first time she had heard the word marriage from him. She was confused by the mixed feeling she had for this man. She wanted him, yet she did not want him. She had to take care of her family. This man had no job, no income. Could she drop her family, all of them for a man without job and money? While she was thinking all these, he was still trying to do more than kissing. When she finally moved away from him, she saw a sign on her coat that she had never known about it.

"What is this?" She pointed to her bottom part of her coat.

He laughed uncontrollably and said:

"You mean you don't know!"

At home, in her closet- like room, she felt educated. She had learned something without being an active participant in it.

When Gol heard about Hamid's proposal to her daughter, she was furious. Confronting Hana for the shocking news on a Friday afternoon, did not change her daughter's mind. Hana acted stubborn and argued with her mother for hours. Gol's delirious reasoning convinced Hana that her mom's fear was not for her choice but was for losing her income and support. When she abruptly told her mother what she thought, Gol completely lost her control.

"I'm so ashamed of you. How can you say this to your own mother? All I want is your happiness and I know Hamid is using you. He is a disgrace."

"What is wrong with him? Why don't you like him?" Hana cried.

"First, he doesn't have a job; second, we don't know anything about his family. I've heard terrible things about his sisters and mother."

"What you heard mom, is wrong. He had just finished his two years military service ten months ago. He gets a job soon. About his family, I know they are very high class and rich." Hana doubted herself, said. She even doubted when Hamid had told her repeatedly that he was looking for a job.

"This is wrong. You want to tell me that he could not find a job in ten months since his return from draft! It doesn't feel right. I wish your dad was alive. Besides where do you want to live?"

"Even if dad was alive, he couldn't change my mind. We have decided to live here so I can take care of you all."

"Is this his idea or yours?"

"It doesn't matter whose idea it is! This way is better for all of us."

"Hana, sweet heart, open your eyes. You're making a big mistake. I won't allow you to do this."

"Mom, if you do that, I kill myself; actually we both kill ourselves."

"Did he teach you this, too?"

"Mom, stop! I love him; and besides when we marry, I can get closer to his uncle, Amir, and the chance of finding Van is much greater."

In the days that followed, Gol spoke to her father and brother, Nabi, about this new wretched situation and asked their help. Their rational argument did not change Hana's adamant mind. Her strange behavior did not make sense to anyone in her family. It seemed as though she had become self destructive. Hana's whole perspective for life and respect for her family had changed overnight. When her grandfather, whom she adored, talked to her about many terrible things he had heard about Hamid's family; and almost begged her to wait or to change her mind, she tried very hard to control her extreme anger and refused to listen to grandpa's advice.

"This is a mistake. You're a very intelligent, young woman. You can do better than this, As a matter of fact Mr. D.'s cousin, who had seen you in our house, like you a lot. He's asked Nabi to send his parents for negotiation. You know he is an engineer. He has a very good job and stable family. He is also good looking and young. What do you say?"

Hana, enraged, lost the last strand of her patience in a way that if someone was witnessed their conversation, he would think that she was about to hit her grandfather.

"So, that is it! You all are planning to give me to someone you think is good for me. I hate your custom. I hate you all."

To Be Continued