UNFULFILLED- Ten-{_}_{_} The Divorce

"You had as well killed me rather than making me married with such a deceitful act! What kind of father are you?'" Neda left the room and closed the door behind her with force.

The feeling she lastly returned to after her father's attitude towards her was so critical that Maryam's offer for living together came to her mind immediately. She dreaded the influence and power of her father over her up to that moment. That authority so far had taken away her sense of freedom. There was something so militant, so persecutional, and so restricted in the way her father talked and presented himself that reinforced in her mind the plan she had made with her cousin, Maryam. Although that plan looked not doable on the surface but she knew when one force became two or maybe even three if they could involve Sohrab in it, then it would become much more powerful. In that case her father would feel the punches of three not one.

She was tired of the imprisonment. She wanted to escape from her body cage and the cage that her father's home brought her. She wanted to fly out to some glorious world that she had seen in her dreams and to be always there and no where else. She wished that she could see that world not in dreams or through her tears. She did not want to see that world through the iron walls of her broken heart. She wanted that world to be real, she in it and with it.

When Mansour came that evening, Neda was already in the room, sitting on a chair with her head up. She was trying to look and act strong. Sohrab also came in shortly after because Neda had asked him. The father, the guilty one, who appeared very dissatisfied with his children being in the room, sitting side by side and trying not to miss anything, sat by himself at the top of the room, smoking his pipe. He was obviously very upset not because of the conversation he would have with Mansour, but because both his children had disobeyed him and they were present.

No tea was served as it was the custom. Jalal did not want to offer this man anything. He was not sure what kind of manner he would choose with him! Would he be harsh, gentle, respectful, or indifferent?

"I understand that you're already planning your second marriage!" Jalal said in a sarcastic way.

Mansour reflected for a moment.

"Yes, what do you want me to do? Ours was a mistake and you know it. Your daughter didn't want me. You criticize me for arranging my second marriage, but you, yourself, have two wives. I won't marry until I'm divorced!" When he said this, he took a glimpse at Neda. It was clear that he had prepared himself to answer Jalal.

"I gave you my lovely daughter and you vomited on her." Jalal's tone of voice was harsh. "You had the best woman in the world and you dumped her because of your ugly pride. You think you're important, but your importance is a terrible, twisted one..." Jalal took a glance at Neda when he said this. Her head was bent on her chest.

"I didn't come here to fight. If your daughter is lovely, why did you try to get rid of her? Why don't you ask her? She is the one that doesn't want me!"

"You didn't give her a chance. She is just a child!" Jalal brought his hand on the table with force.

"If she is a child, why did you let her to marry me?" Mansour retorted. Jalal had nothing to say.

Sohrab felt that he needed to come to his father's defense.

"Let's stop all of these! I don't want my sister to be married to this worthless man anyway."

Mansour rose from his chair. It seemed that he was ready to fight. He was offended. Sohrab got up, too. Everything happened so fast that Jalal or Neda could not prevent it. She was frozen with horror. Sohrab's dark eyes were filled with tears confronting this man. His punch landed on Mansour's face and brought him to his knees. A stream of blood began running from his nose. He leaped towards Sohrab, only to lose his balance and fall again.

Jalal came between the two fighting men and made them to stop. He told his son to stop his violent behavior. Mansour went to the bathroom to wash out the blood from his face. When he returned, things were calm. Then Jalal said:

"Her love for you was real. All you needed to do to nourish it. In your pettiness, you don't have the right to have this gift. You can never live in peace because you can not and have not ever looked at life the way you should. You crush everything with your stinking pride!"

"If you keep insulting me, I leave right now and nothing would be solved." Mansour said with a wave of his hand. Neda shuddered. Her face became paler; however, she buttered out:

"Dad, he is right. Stop arguing!"

When everyone was finally calm, they began talking about the terms of the divorce. It seemed that Mansour did not care one way or the other who would have the baby. But since Neda stayed silent and did not say a word about the baby, it was agreed that Mansour and his new wife would have the baby the minute it was born. No one objected it. Neda did not know her feeling for the baby. She did not know what would it be like when the baby was born. She did not know at the time that she had no chance of keeping the baby anyway. She did not know what she agreed to would have a great affect on her for the rest of her life! No body objected the arrangement. At the moment, she did not want the baby, she wanted freedom. She did not know when the baby would be born, her whole being would change and she would be a different person.

In the next two week, father was busy with the divorce arrangement and when it was finally over, she felt more relaxed than ever. However she thought that she could never be the same person. life to her was like a puzzle, like a long road that stretched endlessly without any exit or side roads, like her dreams.

That evening she remembered her going to the religious court with her father that afternoon to sign the divorce paper. They had arranged the situation in a way that they did not have to face Mansour in the court. He had signed earlier.

She reflected the signing, Only less than eight months ago, she had signed to marry. Now she was singing to end it. She imagined the parting with Mansour was more like the beginning of a new life than ending of a marriage.

She thought all that happened to her and compared them with nature which was never the same. That evening she wrote:

"Pathways covered with winter frost;

Roads led to summer lust;

Alleys filled by spring gust;

Dry leaves of autumn I trust.

There I closed my doleful eyes;

From white winter's skies.

There I turned my pale face,

From red summer's disgrace.

There I walked away with shaky knees,

From green spring trees.

There I breathed colorful fall;

Those dry leaves, breaking with brawl.

Winter frost was always gray.

Summer lust was only a play.

Spring gust made trees to sway.

Autumn trust became my only pathway."

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Ten- The Divorce

"When you have your baby," Maryam told Neda: "may be you and I rent a small place and live together, get out of the rule of our parents!"

Neda loved that idea very much. She did not want to marry again either even though her case was more understandable than Maryam's. She would be a divorced woman soon. Perhaps an older divorced or widower would marry her; but Maryam was a woman who had disgraced herself without being married.

With that goal in her mind, The rest of Neda's pregnancy would become a little easier, even though she did not know how Maryam and she could persuade their parents for becoming independent.

Friday came. Would she be allowed to be in the room when her father and Manour would discuss the term and condition in which her divorce would be conducted? She doubted it; nevertheless, she prepared herself for it. She talked to her mother, brother, and Sima that she wanted to be involved in her own destiny; that she wanted to be in the room where the two men were making decision about her life! But she did not say anything to her father. These days no one, even Sima, dared to approach Jalal. He was like an angry tiger. He had intentionally given his daughter to a man, a nobody, a near-do-well man. Now she had returned sick and pregnant. His plan for a peaceful life with Sima had not worked. He told Mehri, his first wife, one morning before going to work:

"What kind of mother are you? Why didn't you teach her not to get pregnant? Do I have to do everything here?"

Mehri had nothing to say. Everyone was blaming her for Neda's unfortunate life. But she knew that she had not taught her daughter anything about married life; so she even blamed herself!

That evening shortly before Mansour arrived, Neda went to father's study. The sight of that room overwhelmed her with memory of the days that she had sat on his knees and he read her; or she went to that room without her father getting angry at her and took any book she wanted. At this moment that she opened the door and entered the room, she was paler than ever. It looked as if life had gone from her face.

Jalal was smoking his pipe and drinking something. His head was bent into his chest with both his arms on the desk. Neda saw a desperate man not her father. He had aged since her return.He raised his head and looked at her, but really did not see her. Guilt of what he has done, was so overwhelming that he could not look at her. Neda waited inside the door for a few second and since he did not say anything, she finally said:

"Dad, I want to be present when you talk to Mansour!"

Jalal finally saw her. He also heard her. Now he looked at her with contempt.

"Haven't you caused enough headache for us?

Neda's eyes welled up with tears. She did not care that her father was angry or contemptuous towards her. Now that she knew the story of her marriage for sure had been a set up by her father, she was not afraid of him anymore. She said:

"Dad, it is my life. You got rid of me. Now I'm back. You can't stop me.!"

"Do as you wish! I am so sick and tired of all of you."

He was bitter. He was tired; but Neda was not about to give in. Her own father had ruined her life and now he was angry at her because he had not achieved his goal which was getting rid of her. Her own mother had completely ignored her since she was mourning her own life. Before leaving the room, she took one more step. Now she was in the room not in the door way. She looked her father straight in the eyes and said:

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- <><>Ten- The Divorce

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Maryam, who was engaged to Sam for over a year, thought that her man was different than her father, brothers, cousins, or any men in her family. This difference was in a way of recognizing the equality of the two genders by Sam, her fiance. Whereas Neda's case Maryama and Sam were truly in love. He had another year to finish his college; she had two more semesters to finish her schooling for becoming a beautician. Sam did not mind Maryam to work. In fact he told her many times that it was good for her self esteem to have income of her own, and to be independent; and besides having two incomes would have made life much easier for them. They would be able to build a life together much easier; besides working would boost her sense of being. Woman barely worked then in the traditional families; and the ones that they did, had mostly very modern father, brother, or husband.

Even Now Maryam believed that he had told her the truth about being independent and her sense of being. Everything they talked about, sounded wonderful to Maryam. She thought that he was a dream man for any young woman. But he had one short coming, like most men; and that was his deep- rooted prejudice against women who were not virgin on their wedding night. Perhaps being engaged in that kind of culture for one year was a wrong idea! In their cases, they both wanted to finish their education

Seeing each other almost everyday, being alone a lot of times, and having the desire to be close to each other was a dangerous thing for both of them, specially Maryam.

It happened two weeks before their wedding. The irony of it was that both were able to control their desire for intimacy for almost a year; but then it came that evening in Maryam's room when things got serious; more than kissing, fondling, hugging and touching. Maryan drew back.

"No, stop, you know we can't... Please stop." Her eyes said something else; nonetheless, she knew that she had to wait till their wedding night.

"Why not? We'll be married in two weeks. I already consider you my wife. What is wrong with doing it now?" He was sincere then. He really meant it then.

However Maryam, who knew she had to be virgin on their wedding night, kept her ground and resisted him and his want; even though she, herself was so tempted. He continued his fondling so much that her resistance melted away under his passionate kisses and touches. When they were done, she was not a virgin anymore. She cried hysterically. He solaced her that evening. He told her that she had done nothing wrong, that they were already like married couple.

He Continued seeing her in the next two weeks as before; but Maryam could sense something had changed. She knew the reason, but she thought by the passing of the time, he would forgive her transgression.

Two weeks later, he did not show up for their wedding. Maryam could not tell anyone the reason. If her father and brother would find out, they would perhaps crucify her. She had to act shocked and surprised like others. She made a decision that the family life was over for her. Besides how could she marry and trust another man. There were tricks women could do to pretend that they were virgin, or even there were back alley doctors which they sew up women who had lost their virginity; but Maryam was not the type to go for any of these should she find another man in future to marry.

There was only one more thing for her to do. She had to see Sam for one more time, the man she loved to death, the man, who had ruined her. It was not an easy task to face him. She did not know how she would feel! would it be all the rush of love followed by begging him to come back to her, would it be just a pure hatred for ruining her, or would it be just to say good bye for ever? She knew that Sam did not want to see her since she had called him on the phone and he had hanged up. She ended up to go to the university and wait for him until the time he was was leaving the campus.

They sat on the bench under a big oak tree. She did not know how to begin, what to say! Their silence was more revealing than any discussion. She decided to leave without speaking. But in the last moment, she came to conclusion to say something. She gathered all her wits and said with a trembling voice:

"Why?"

Sam did not look at her. He gazed straight forward himself. His hands were trembling. His aura was kind and tender. When he spoke, his voice was the most amiable than she had ever heard. Then he looked at her with his misty eyes that light of passion on them seemed had been stifled. The heat of his gaze was like an adoration which violently burned like a candle in a windless place. He even touched her finger for a second. finally he said with a voice that was barely audible:

"You gave in to me while you should not have. I can't trust you even though I am madly in love with you. But this secret will never leaves my lips. Rest assured!"

Maryam was outrageous. How was a gentle man like him with so much love for her could do this.

"You insisted; you said you considered us already married. You left me no chance!"

"There is always chance! It doesn't matter what I did; it matters what you did; and you gave in. I can't marry a non virgin woman. No one can!"

"You ruined me!" Maryam stammered.

"I'm so sorry. But I think you ruined yourself."

Their parting that day was more like a beginning of a new life for Maryam. Now her view of life was so different than before. Marriage for her was a far mirage which she would never be able to reach or wanted to reach. Now that she worked and made money, her goal was that gradually to convince her parents to live on her own and to become completely independent. That was an impossible desire, but she was determined to the impossible.

*-*

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- `~`~ Ten- The Divorce

Neda slowly got used to staying in bed more and longer; and less with her family on the first floor. In her girlhood room, she contemplated, reflected, and felt sorry for herself. Nonetheless, she did not want to be like her mother. She knew that no one could put the spilled water back into the jar. This pregnancy seemed like a prison or a cage. The jail to her was the baby, who now moved, kicked, and brought her strange sensations. She thought about the life of her mother, herself, even Sima, and the lives of all the women in her country. She was puzzled about Maryam, her cousin, whom on her wedding day, the groom had not showed up. All these women were stripped out from their God given freedom and right! Lack of education, not knowing, and allowing the men to act as their superior and even guardian, had made women this way, weak and submissive. In her sick bed, she thought that she would change things for herself when everything would be settled. The women's subjugation had begun so far back and it was so perfect for men that no one seemed to object it anymore, or to recognize it. it was an abysmal abyss that separated women completely from men. However Neda knew all these at her very young age. She did not want to be that way. She knew that she was as smart as any man her age or even older. As she thought about these issues, she wondered if she understood all these at her age, why other women did not know them; and if they did, why they did not do anything about them?! Why could not they all bring their thoughts and actions together and demand their rights and equalities?

These concepts disturbed her tremendously. She still could not trust Sima completely; therefore, Maryam, her cousin, who visited her often became her confidant and sympathizer. There was something about Sima's friendship that made her uneasy. As kind as she was to her, Neda could see streaks of deception in Sima's behavior with her. She even thought that Sima was spying on her; and that is why she had gotten so close to her, so she can tell her father about her. Neda needed all the love and kindness at this point of her life; and Sima was ready to give her all those without a question! But Neda's intuition was never wrong. She knew that Sima truly liked her, but she liked her life with her father better; and if her father wanted her to spy on his own daughter, she would do it. The fact that a beautiful woman like Sima had not married till her late twenties, and then she had married an older man with a wife and children was an unanswered question that everyone was curious about it. Her family was not very well off. She had become the Queen of Jalal, her twenty years older husband, and the house. She was able to take the place of the first wife with no problem. And Jalal bought her everything she wanted. Her cousin, Maryam was safe.

It was in one of these visits that Maryam revealed the greatest secret of her life to Neda, the reason that her fiance did not show up on their wedding day. Learning about it, Neda was astonished but not to the level of being shocked.

Maryam's secret confirmed her idea of women's subservient in their country even more to her. Maryam had exposed herself to danger for elating and exhilarating herself from boredom; however, that reverence had ruined her life only because she was a woman.

*-*

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Ten- The Divorce

As Neda was thinking about the seven months of marriage, she found herself not having enough energy to smooth out her apathy with Mansour. Even her pregnancy could not appease their opposing views, yet it increased them. "You are a cold woman." One time Mansour told her; yet she wanted love and kindness since according to him, she lacked them. The fight that had grown by the day was the reason she was sick not pregnancy. That is what the doctor told her when with Sima's insistence, the two of them went to the doctor two days after she had moved back to her parents' home. Neda and Mansour belonged to two different worlds. She was full of feelings, despite what he had told her. She was uneasy and scattered minded; and he was practical and ordinary. The divorce had to come.

Neda was completely aware of the complexity of her situation with all its details. This apprehension was involuntary; she had not learned it anywhere; she had not been told about it by anyone; she had not confronted it before. However, she assumed that her mental burden and the process of clearing it was only unique to her. She never imagined that other people around her, like her family, were also engulfed by this complicated situation that her marriage had caused. No, their difficulties could not be in the same order as hers was.

There came a new anxiety in her tortured soul that she was conscious of it, from her moving slow, from her constant pain of her lower back, from her heavy breathing, from her high blood pressure and from the twitching of her face and eyes. Around her the family seemed to have no will of their own, although they all knew the ground of her depression and physical sickness. Each individual seemed was compulsory infected by her distress. At this period, Neda could not listen to the heart beats of her family. She only felt the violent beating of her own heart.

Nobody told her anything; nevertheless, she knew that something was being done about her condition. She wondered how her father could act on her behalf without her knowing it. All she learned was by eavesdropping and hearing bits and pieces that Sima, her mother, or Sohrab told her. She knew that Mansour would be in their home Friday evening to discuss the terms of the divorce with her father. It was Wednesday. It was exactly a week since she had left her apartment. Her father had already sent his workers to empty the apartment and remove everything he had bought for her. They put everything in an extra room on the second floor which they used as a storage room.

She was not able to go to her night school anymore. Her doctor had forbidden her of moving around too much, or being by herself alone. The doctor told Sima that Neda had a very small uterus; therefore, she would face difficulties carrying the baby to the full term and delivering it naturally. To save her and the baby, the doctor had ordered complete rest. Mehri, Neda's mom was first offended by her daughter's trusting her rival, Sima, and second by her choosing her adversary as her confidant. Zari, her sister- in- law, told her:

"I guess if you don't feel sorry for yourself all the time, then Neda would come to you for advice not Sima!"

Despite the doctor's order, Neda moved around the house gingerly. Her mother seemed nervous and worried, however, Sima told Mehri in a very amenable manner:

"I don't see anything wrong in her moving around as long as nothing happens to her mental state!"

Sima recognized that emotional disturbance most of the time was worst than physical pain. Zari also Told Mehri:

"Put your envy aside if you love your daughter. If Sima and Neda are getting along, let it be. Neda is closer in age with Sima than with you. Besides they look at each other as friends."

Mehri had to think hard and serious about these guidance from all around her before she would accept them. But her acknowledgment was all in her head not in her heart.

To Be Continued