UNFULFILLED- Fifteen- ☀☀The Silent Heart

Neda had won many awards. They did not mean anything to her. She even went to Rome, Italy, to participate in a conference of the poets from all over the world. Some of her works were translated to Italian and English language. Being what she was, famous, or infamous, was breathtaking. But she had only one joy, a complete one, and enduing one, and that was her nephew, Maryam and Sohrab's son, Aria. They had asked her to name him; and she had picked Aria, the male version of Ariana. He was the light of her eyes. She would rain him with her love and many toys. She would beg Sohrab and Maryam to let their son spend the night with her. He had become what she expected to have from her own child, who had been ripped from her arms with the scheme of her father, Mansour, and even the doctor. She was even suspicious to the doctor that he had a role in this plan of stealing her child and getting her a different identity. There had always been this hole in her heart for the last twelve years. The hole was getting deeper and deeper as she got older. She lived, thrived, went to different places, travelled, had interviews in radio, or television, and with different literary journals.

But life for her was now all about her nephew, Aria. There were plenty of friends around, but she could not consider them friends. The only people she cared for were Maryam, Sohrab, Aria, and somewhat Kasra. Now she had a secretary to keep up her appointments. She was scatter minded in her writing as well as things she needed to do. Sometimes she forgot everything. Like for example once she forgot that she had an interview with a big literary European journal, and she did not show up. Goly, her secretary, was a God sent to her. She was her right hand. Besides keeping her appointment, she would tell Neda how to dress and even shopped appropriate clothes for Neda's different appointments.

Neda began sleeping with kasra when she turned twenty nine; the first after her broken marriage. The intimacy with Kasra was just intimacy. It had no meaning. Kasra always had to leave her bed and either go home or sleep in Sohrab's old room. The passion was gone if she had ever had it. She knew that she could be in love and she could be passionate but only after she would find her daughter.

She had searched for her daughter continuously; but all these pursuance were ended five years ago when Mansour, his wife, and their children had moved from Tehran. Nobody knew where they had moved. Neda did some investigation about Mitra's background. The only thing she found out, which she had already known, was that she was originally from Shiraz, a city in the southern part of Iran, where in some books the three thousands years of the history of the country had spurted there, and in some other books the five thousands years history of their country had emerged there or around there. According to her father, in the days of her childhood, when she had been the love of his life, the three thousands years of written history and two thousands years more of unwritten history which made it to five thousands.

One day suddenly she told Kasra that she was going to Shiraz. When she returned after ten days, she was more disappointed than before. Mitra's parents were killed while driving to Tehran in a car accident. Mitra practically had no family left; if she did, Neda was not aware of it. So they had disappeared five years ago and no one knew where and how?!

Nobody knew about her searches, not even Sohrab or even Kasra, who was now mostly lived with her. Why should they know these things? It was her heart she was seeking for not theirs! She had left her life essence in that hospital bed twelve years ago; and she had lived heartless ever since. Her zest for life was silenced in the crowded country, who mostly did not know her twelve years ago. She did not care that women envied her! She did not care men hated her! She did not care male poets had grudge against her! She did not care the animosity toward her from all over! She wrote, "THE SILENT HEART".

✎

"Soothing hope is gone from my heart!

I hear neither call, nor message, nor a new start!

Here there is neither alluring eye,

nor appeasing music close by.

☄At dawn, a woman left in winter cold

From a city full of light, love, pain, and gold.

Did anyone weep for her absence?

Did anyone find her trace?

✐She stared at a pair of eyes to know

The secret place of hope, dream, or rainbow.

But those eyes filled her with blaze;

Transformed her to more misery and daze.

✉They told her nothing but strife,

Skin was the only thing on her body, no life.

Anywhere she went, they sang

absurdity, those words in her ears rang.

✍One night she lay on grass and cried,

'Don't go!' She said, 'let me be at your side.'

'Let me sleep and feel the rain!'

But the ghost disappeared, it ignored her pain.

Now it is only her and her silent heart."

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Fifteen- The Silent Heart

But what good had come from this pricey independence? Neda had things that she did not need; she had plush leather chair, so she could brought the footstool up and placed her feet on it, she had money; but she preferred to have her daughter and her family. She had needed Ariana for many years, in fact since her birth. She was hoping that when Ariana could read, she would read her poetry ! Perhaps she would see herself in Neda's poems, May be then she would be of the age that she could look at the picture of Neda in the back of her books and somehow would connect herself to this famous poetess. Then perhaps she would trace that picture and like happy movies, they would all come to an happy ending.

Neda was prosperous but sad. She was the envy of many women, but she envied their lives with their children. She always told Kasra:

"I wonder why I have been given this talent to prosper, succeed, to do anything I want, if it is only to be alone and childless."

Talk about Maryam and Sohrab having a child continued. However when one day Maryam broke the news to her that she was pregnant, Neda was so happy that she could not stop laughing, crying, screaming. They were in Neda's room. Sohrab and Kasra came in without knocking the door. They just opened the door and entered. First they were frightened that something horrible had happened in that room; but they saw the two women hugging in a style of dancing and turning round and round, screaming, laughing, gesturing funny things. They stopped when they saw the two women in that kind of mood of jubilation. Maryam turned red. It was obvious that something horrific had just hit her. She turned to Neda:

"Sohrab doesn't know!"

On one hand Neda was delighted to be the first to know, on the other hand she knew why Maryam had became nervous. She came to her cousin's/ sister- in- law's, rescue:

"She was planning to tell you first Sohrab. I've just guessed it and had my suspicion, and quizzed her so much until she told me."

Sohrab looked at his sister and wife. He was upset inwardly. He divined what the issue of the two women's happiness was about; but he, being a real gentleman always, came to Maryam deliverance and hugged her:

"You're pregnant. Don't worry. I'm not upset. We wanted this baby since the beginning of our marriage. I am delighted. I did not want us to have a baby after we were thirty. This is so perfect, sweet heart!"

Maryam's pregnancy was nothing like Neda's. She was not sick. She did not vomit; however Neda spoiled her as though Maryam was her child.

The day that the baby boy came to this world, Neda played the role of Maryam's mother, and participated in the delivery room along side Sohrab. That day was the happiest day of her life. No one from outside could tell who had given birth, Maryam or Neda. She acted as though she had given birth to the baby. They named the baby Aria. They asked Neda to name her:

"Aria, it matches Ariana; what else!" Neda said without thinking. So it was ARIA.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Fifteen-★★★ The Silent Heart

One evening when everyone was ready to leave, as usual, they stood by the door for some more talk. Their good byes always lasted a long time. They talked and talked while they already had said their good byes numerous times. Sohrab and Maryam were talking about that they might want to have a baby, being in their late twenties and all. Kasra was interrupting them to say things to Neda about what he had forgotten earlier concerning her last book. They stood half inside, half outside of the door. They had already said their farewells so many times. Finally Neda stood in the middle of the door and pushed them all outside!

"Go, go! We all have work to do tomorrow. It's one in the morning." She laughed, moving her hands, pushing the other three to the stairs. Finally they all hugged again and said good bye again. When Neda hugged kasra again, as she had always done, He bowed and kissed her hand. They all looked at him surprisingly and laughed at his odd act. Neda practically pushed them towards the stairs and closed the door.

She lit a candle and a cigarette at the same time and went to her room. Kasra was absolutely noting to her, except only just a good friend and editor; yet his presence, his manner, the warmth of his glances and above all the touch of his lips on her hand, just a moment ago aroused her like a numbing person in the desperate search of a drug to get her fix. He always kept her indoors. She was scatter- minded in her writings as she was in her living. Kasra kept her organized in both.

A sudden hot passion and tenderness for him filled her heart. Was this a momentary and passing desire or something long lasting that would interfere with her writings?

Neda considered Kasra a common man. In his company, the world was beautiful and direct. But when he was not around, no one remembered him. For the first time, nevertheless, she felt his influence on her. She did not like it, but she liked it.

Autumn approached in Tehran, breaking up the green dreariness of summer; touching the trees with brown shimmer of mist. The plain trees with reddish brown, the oak trees with gold! On the height of Alborz Mountain, where Neda had gotten into habit of going there by herself, the black pines witnessed the change without changing themselves. The sound of hush on the mountain top was seductive. It never ceased; it whispered, then it cried out, it buzzed, then it invited the souls like hers to wander in its abyss of loneliness! The cheerless lowering sky, sometimes she felt she could reach it, which for some unknown reason had depressed her a few hours before, now seemed exhilarating and stimulating her nerves and gave her ideas that would come in bits and pieces. She sat on a cold rock and took out her notebook from her backpack and wrote her thought.

At home she sat on a chair that she had recently bought, a luxury chair with high back, made of leather, with a foot stole which was part of it so she could put her feet on it. What an indulgence! She spread her arms which suggested a woman in command, the one, who would rule, who would watch others, and one who was lonely herself.

She thought about all her achievements, about the money she had made without any one's help. She contemplated the attitude and the culture that considered women like her, inferior to men. That culture believed that women were different than men not in the sense of anatomy, but in the sense of their intellect, and brain. They thought that women's mission mission was not to aquair themselves but to inspire their men to obtain. She was not like those women. She had broken all the rules. She did not care what people said about her. She knew that none was true and that was enough for her.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Fifteen-ᚖᚖᚖ The Silent Heart

Days followed nights. Sohrab and Maryam came to Ned'a apartment often in the evening. Neda had turned out to be a good cook. Kasra, her editor, was almost always there for dinner. He had become very close to all of them. Nobody knew about him much, his back ground, his education, if he had any sisters or brothers, his parents, and how he had landed this position as an editor. His friendship with Neda was more than editor and a client. Some nights that was real late, Kasra stayed and slept in Sohrab's old room.They had no intimacy. They would if they wanted to, but they did not. He even did grocery shopping for Neda in the morning on his way, without even asking her. He knew exactly what she needed.

One evening when Neda saw Maryam so happy in her little life and big marriage, she laughingly said:

"What happened Maryam? I thought you never wanted to get married!" Neda had this blushing like a rose of spring on her cheek.

Maryam took Neda's statement seriously and began defending herself:

"I don't know! I thought so, too! But when I got to know Sohrab, how could I not love him, marry him? He is the best!"

Sohrab waved his hands with a loud laughter to show that he was not the best. Maryam continued without hesitation:

"What about you and Kasra? Are you two...?"

Neda cut her off before she was able to finish:

"No, no, we're just friends, aren't we Kasra? He is so invaluable to me. I need his help. He is very good in editing all my mistakes and organizing my writings." She looked at Kasra for affirmation.

"She is right! We are not made for marriage. We can be together from now to eternity and not be married." He paused for a moment, had a sip of his wine, and then continued:

"You know better than me that Neda has broken all the rules of this country for women specially at such a young age. Women are envious to her, and men are afraid that she may start a wave of young women craving freedom and wanting to follow her footstep, that among all her fans, she has also have many enemies. That is why her publisher admire her so much that he has assigned me only to her work; because controversy sells. I don't think she cares one way or the other, what people, even her own family think or say about her. She does what she wants as long as she can create; and if a day comes that she can't create, then it doesn't matter anymore." Kasra widened his eyes and exhaled a soft stream of admiration for his boss and friend. Sohrab's face wreathed in a big smile:

"That is my little sis all right. I knew it from beginning, from the time that she was a little girl! I even remember that our father once said, before Sima came to the scene, that Neda would be a big writer one day!" They all laughed or did the act of laughing!

There were days that Neda was happy without knowing why. She was delighted to be alone and breathing; she was ecstatic when her whole being was one with sunlight, the colors, the fragrance, the copious warmth of a sunny day. Days like these, she wondered alone into a strange and unfamiliar places. She would find many sunny, sleepy, little corners, shops, cafes, so perfect to dream, to be alone, and unmolested. She wrote the "SUN OF TOMORROW" on a piece of napkin in a cafe that she was drinking tea, and smoking, in one of these escaping deviation.

★

The color of dusk wraps around sun.

A lonely tree in the vast lawn

Craves water and finds none.

◆ From the gloomy sky, flees light

Towards the far horizon with spite.

Rain of light pours from red tulip of night

● To a silent humming, cities retire.

On the roof of sky, stars inspire.

The wine of moonlight I desire.

■ It is midnight and a cloud in a vast sky

abuses the moon with its threat and sigh;

And the old crow mocks beautiful butterfly.

〓 In the bosom of this night, I get a surprise,

The glow of your eyes becomes my prize;

Like the sun of tomorrow that I never despise,

★

After every one was gone, almost always, when she was not in high spirit, she felt depressed rather than soothed. She would lie down in the bathtub with her cigarette and glass of wine thinking, or sometimes even dozing. The little glimpse of domestic harmony which had been hers for a few hours gave her no regret, no longing. It was not the condition of her life that shockingly elevated her, when she could see in her life but an alarming and hopeless weariness.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Fifteen- The Silent Heart

As Neda was turning in the balcony to get back inside the apartment, she heard whispering of Sohrab and Maryam beneath their home in the parking lot. Being curious, she looked down at them. The big drops of rain fell on lovers and distinguished her cigarette. She opened the big umbrella which was always there, and hold it over her head; she put down her glass of wine which was in her hand on the table. Sohrab has his jacket wrapped around Maryam. Neda heard, hating herself for intrusion:

"My love!" Maryam almost cried, moved her face up to look at Sohrab. Neda could feel that she was frightened and panic stricken, yet amiable with fascination of euphoria. Neda thought to herself: "Is it real?" Then at once she considered their ages, twenty six. They were not sixteen, when she had thought she was in love with Mansour. Neda knew that her brother's eyes were beautiful at that point. In the dark, cloudy, and rainy night, her soul of a poet could see that Sohrab's eyes were dreamy, insusceptible, and free from any affliction or incitement!. She could imagine that he was smiling buoyantly to her or with her. Then she noticed that Maryam hid her face in his bosom. She saw that as Maryam hiding herself from him, Neda guessed, she perhaps knew that Sohrab could see her entirely. She was sure that they loved each other. To Neda, Maryam was more like afraid than at ease. It seemed to her that her cousin was in a foreign medium. The rain that was falling was a new heaven to Neda. Wasn't Maryam's fear because of her one bad experience? Sohrab, among the three of them was the one that had not gone through betray of a lover. She thought about her short marriage. She wished that she had a chance to tell Mansour before the divorce: "I wish that you loved me more and wanted me less!" This was what she saw between the two lovers under the balcony. How lucky they were!

Sohrab and Maryam married on September with the blessing of both families in a very small ceremony. Only the immediate family attended the wedding. It was more like a party than a wedding.

Sohrab would start his new career as an English teacher of the secondary school in a week. They had rented a small apartment close to school and also near where Maryam worked. Neither one used the the one old car that Sohrab had had for many years to go to work. They walked to work. In the evenings since Sohrab would get off work earlier, he would go with the car and pick up Maryam when ever she called him that she was done.

Maryam refused that her parents, as it was customary, to give her household and furniture. She bought very modest things herself with the money she had saved and with the money that Neda gave them as wedding present. Both of them were sad to leave Neda. They knew that she would be under pressure from her father to move back to her patents' home.

All along this second searching for freedom and independence, the anxiety Neda felt and the pressure her parents put on her, kept lingering with her like the memory of a bad song. By the time she regained her authority and was able to stand her ground against her father and made him to listen to her repeated no answer, that bad song no longer echoed in her head.

She was in her apartment. She was alone again. From time to time she went to her parents' home only to please them and to keep the peace. Those visits were always rather artificial and always sad. They were like verification of separation than introduction of reunion.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Fifteen-ᚖᚖᚖ The Silent Heart

Days followed nights. Sohrab and Maryam came to Neda's apartment often in the evenings and for dinner. Neda turned out to be a good cook. Kasra, her editor, was almost there every day and evening. He had become very close to Neda. Their friendship was more than editor and a client, especially for Kasra. Some nights that was real late, Kasra stayed and slept in Sohrab's old room. They had no intimacy. They would if they wanted to but they did not. No one ever asked kasra about his life, parents, if he had any sisters or brothers, his education, how he got to the editing business, or where he lived. Those were not the things they cared to talk about. For Neda, her publisher had sent him to her, and that was good enough for her. One evening when Neda saw Maraym so happy in her little life and big marriage, she said to her:

"What happened, Maryam? I thought you never wanted to get married!" When she said that, for some strange reason she blushed like a rose of spring.

Maryam took Neda's question seriously and began defending herself:

"I don't know. I thought so, too. But when I got to know Sohrab, how could I not love him, or marry him? He is the best!"

Sohrab waved his hand with a loud laughter to show that he was not the best. Maryam continued without hesitation:

"What about you and Kasra? Are you two...?"

Neda cut her off before she was able to finish:

"No, no, we're just friends, aren't we Kasra? He is so valuable to me. I need his help. Someone has to organize me and that is him. Besides he is very good in editing all my mistakes; and believe me I do have a lot of them. He can figure the things that I write all over the place better than me." Neda looked at Kasra for affirmation.

"She is right. We are not made for marriage. We can be together from now to eternity and not be married." He paused for a moment and then continued:

"You, Neda has broken all the rules at such a young age. That is why among all her fans, she also has many enemies. I don't think she cares what people, even her own family, say about her. She does what she wants as long as she can create; and if a day comes that she can't create, then it doesn't matter anymore." Kasra widened his eyes and exhaled a soft stream of admiration for his boss and friend. Sohrab's face wreathed in smile:

"That is my little sis all right. I knew it from beginning, from the time that she was a little girl!" They all laughed.

They were days that Neda was happy without knowing why. She was delighted to be alive and breathing; she was ecstatic when her whole being was one with sunlight, the colors, the fragrance, the copious warmth of sunny days. Time like these, she liked to wonder alone to strange and unfamiliar places. She would find many sunny, sleepy little corners, so perfect to dream and to be alone and unmolested. She wrote the "THE SUN OF TOMORROW" in one of these deviated outing:

★

"The color of dusk wraps around sun.

A lonely tree in the vast lawn

Craves water and find none.

◎From the gloomy sky flees light

Towards the far horizon with spite.

Rain of light pours of red tulip of night.

◎The gray night opens its wing

To carry life on its wing.

Wild wind run and swing

◎To a silent humming, cities retire.

On the roof of night, stars inspire.

The wine of moonlight, I desire.

◎It is midnight and a cloud in vast sky

Abuses the moon with its threat and sigh;

And the old crow mock beautiful butterfly.

◎In the bosom of this night, I get a surprise.

The glow of your eyes becomes my prize.

Like sun of tomorrow that I never despise."

★

After everyone was gone, almost always when she was not in high spirit, she felt depressed rather than being soothed. Just a while ago, she had laughed, drank wine, smoked and had fun with the three people she dearly loved. A little glimpse of domestic harmony which had been hers for a few hours, gave her no regret, no longing. It was not the condition of her life that shockingly elevated her; but it was the hopeless dream of finding her daughter; and she could see her life but an alarming and hopeless weariness.

To Be Continued