Odyssey... //\ 14- Obscene Abstraction

Soon the day of the wedding, as it had planned, arrived. It was a small ceremony which Hana ended up to pay for it. Hamid's promise to make his parents pay her back was, as usual was a bluff; and she embarrassed in front of her family accepted the rare occasion that a woman pays for her wedding in their culture. Hamid became the permanent resident of their home; and Hana, very upset for her shattered dreams, had to move to a bigger room with a bigger bed, a room that belonged to her parents. Mina, her younger sister, gladly occupied Hana's closet like room so she did not have to share room with Sara, her distasteful sister. Gol had already moved to the living room a while back because of her condition so everyone could have an eye on her. Every night when the bed time would come, they would make a bed for her on the floor; which Gol liked and her children approved of; and then in the morning they would put the hand made bed in the closet and use the room as the living room.

The night of wedding, after everyone left, Hana took off her wedding gown, she had sewn it herself, and wore her normal house dress. Then she helped her insane mother, who was bewildered of all the activities, to change and walked her to her bed. Gol instinctively knew a major change had happened in the house that she had been the first lady of it long ago. Nonetheless, she could not put her finger on it. Whatever the change was, she did not like it. Hana, knowing her mother very well, noticed the perplexity in her eyes.

"What is it mom? Do you want to tell me something?"

Gol's blurry vision made it impossible to recognize Hana's abstracted mind; however, as babies know their mother's mood, she, too, knew there was something different about her daughter, who had changed place with her and had become her mother.

"Why did you change your room?" Gol asked Hana hesitantly.

"Mom, I am married now. Hamid is staying with us. We needed a bigger room. We took that room since you're in the living room now; and nobody was using it."

Gol despondently grabbed Hana's hand.

"No, you can't marry! Are you going to give my food to Hamid?"

"No, mom, no one can touch your food. Now go to bed. I see you in the morning."

"Do you sleep with Hamid now?"

Hana gently kissed her mother's forehead.

"Don't worry mom, I always be your daughter."

In her new bedroom, the new bride was drowned in a world filled with sadness and regret. She looked through the mist of her eyes to her husband's naked body and an unsightly fear shook her. Using the closet to change to her nightgown, she heard Hamid's voice which sounded so different, as though she had never heard that voice before.

"What is the delay for? Come on. Don't act like a decent, virgin girl!"

Those words trembled her more. She was virgin. She was decent. She submissively walked to bed. The wedding night, she was told, was supposed to be the best night for a young woman. For her, let's just say that she was hospitalized the next morning with an unendurable pain that would stay with her even when the physical pain was gone.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{ 14- Obscene Abstraction

"He can't scare us. He's bluffed you all these years; and you're so frightened that you can't think straight." Farhad says while looking in his mother's eyes with the intensity that reminds her of her father.

"Haven't you witnessed some of his cruelties to me?" Hana Babbles.

"Yes, I have; and I know all about them. But that is because you've allowed him and never did anything about it!"

"Mom, Farhad is right. We're stronger than him." Sam enters the conversation.

"It is not about strength, honey. He's crazy. You know it. He kills us. He's told me if I leave him, he throws acid on my face and kill..."

Farhad interrupts his mother:

"Mom, it's enough. We know about all those threats. We have law here. Women here are protected. He can't do anything. We kick his ass."

Hana discovers for the first time her sons' vigor and their deep hatred for their father. A sense of security brings a pink blush to her cheeks; nonetheless, she quickly falls back into her old habit, fear. But is it fear that has stopped her of any action for so many years, or is it a sadomasochistic attachment that she has found in her sick husband?

Introspecting, she learns a despondent truth about herself which gives her an abject and piteous hopelessness. How and when did she become a masochist? In her last confession in front of the mirror, she has admitted that all these years the forces that have driven her life were not only fears but her desperate need to be punished by an abusive man like Hamid. Her children ultimatum has put her in a spot to choose, them or Hamid. Her decision will clear the enormous cloud in her life, a cloud of uncertainly, ambiguity, and bewilderment. Will she choose saving herself and her sons from this horrible life, or will she continue the old addiction because old habits are hard to break? Exasperating for the uncovering her nihilistic existence, she conjures up some of the old happenings.

Tehran-

Van's unfortunate capture that had cost him his life, changed everyone. Growing dread filled their days while Gol was becoming closer to insanity everyday. Her four children, three of them teenagers, watched their mother's hopeless disappearance with their tormented eyes; and none could do anything to bring her back to normal herself. She vanished more and more everyday and became like a body of nothing, who did not care, understand, or remember. If she was not fed, she could go without food; and if doors were unlocked, she would leave the house without knowing her familiar city anymore.

As observant as Hana was, it took her a while to take the required precautions for watching her mom. When Gol disappeared for two days, afflicted Hana and her grandparents and uncles searched everywhere. With the help of the police they finally found her south of Tehran, very far from their homes, in a alley begging with torn clothes. The trauma of admitting mother's insanity was beyond Hana's endurance. She, who had become a mother of three, a wife to be, and a provider over night, was overwhelmed by responsibilities combined with suffocating pain. Her brother Boby, seventeen, a typical teenager, damaged by the last two years of anguish, acted unreasonably selfish for awhile. However, soon, he found the same strength that Hana had showed after their father's death, and became a helping hand to his older sister. Her sister, Sara, fifteen, stayed in her old habits, wanting no matter what; and when she realized that Hana would not buy her many pairs of shoes and dresses, she began hating her older sister and never changed or helped. When Hana forced her to give her a helping hand, she threatened Hana of leaving home for ever. Mina, thirteen, the youngest, reminded Hana of herself. She, who was introduced to many pains so soon, drowned herself in books, studying, and helping Hana. Everyday after school, when Hana was still at work or college, Mina started the dinner, took care of their insane mother, and fought to change her arrogant sister, Sara.

Hamid visited Hana every evening when the struggle of the day seemed to be over. Their fatigued love that worried no one anymore, wove like a web around them while sitting on the balcony. They would sit there, stifled by the memories of the dead, detached from the shocks and bad news until the clock announce twelve midnight. Hana's sensibility, her controlled, discreet, and concealed delicacy wrapped around her finance' which he had to push them aside to leave at the proper time, twelve o'clock.

To Be Continued

odyssey... ~~14- Obscene Abstraction

Farhad's disappearance, Sam's quiting football and gaining weight, and Hana's devastation do not bother Hamid at at all. He is engaged in a word that is correct and logical for him. He truly believes that his behavior is normal and the purpose of women's existence is to to serve men, and to do what they are asked. He can not possibly respect women since the first woman in his life, his mother, did not have any decency and virtue. She abused family's earnings for her selfish desires, did not care for her children's well being, and persuaded her husband to turn over everything to her when he was alive. When Hamid's father died, she already had everything ; and there was not even a small thing that children could have from their dead father for sentimental reason. Her spiteful attitude, caused Hamid's older sister to prostitute and his other two sisters to boss their husbands and become like their mother. To Hamid, if one's mother gets her way by torturing, immorality, and fierceness, all other women in the world were the same. Hamid's philosophy is to use and abuse women so they can not do the same to him like his mother did.

Hana is very well aware of her husband's obscenity. Not knowing how to save the family, she has tried numerous times to send him to a psychologist. In respond to his angry refusal, she has even suggested that they both need to see one. However, Hamid feels that he is very normal; while all people around him, both in Tehran and Dallas have been abnormal. When Hana finally gives up the idea of saving the family by curing Hamid, she is despondently mortified. How can she continue a life that lacks righteousness, and at the same time endures a sullen, indecent, vulgar, and psychopathic man, who is destroying all of them? Finding courage to break the everlasting fear, brings her a greater dread. When Hamid hears that she wants a divorce, he relentlessly says:

"Sure, I divorce you; but first I kill you and the kids and myself."

So Hana forgets the divorce and strives to save the family by keeping them alive. If she knew about his bluffing both in Dallas and his planning seeds of fear in her maliciously to make her stay with him, she perhaps gotten rid of him a long time ago. But how could she know? His stern attitude has never showed her a sign that he was deluding.

That afternoon when Hana sees Farhad enters the house, enraptured by bliss, she knows that Lila, her other-half, must have something to do with her son's return. When Hana learns about Lila's promise to her son, she falls into a sate of confusion. How can she carry Lila's words while being horrified! Nevertheless, Farhad's insistence and threat for leaving again, leave her no alternative. Sam, who finds a gleam of hope in his world of nonentity by seeing his brother again, also demands his mother to carry on her promise to Farhad. She bluntly tells her sons about fear and their father menace. As young and inexperienced as they are, they laugh at their mother's futile fear. Then they take over the situation as Hana did when her father passed away.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~14- Obscene Abstraction

On the other hand, I see the tragedy clearly; and I am certain that something must be done very quickly before lives are shattered completely. How can I take control while my creator fights me for her tremendous fear? Searching for missing Farhad, I try to direct Hana. She angrily pushes me aside and abandons me. When I come back to life again with my own effort , she screams at me and takes me inside again. Her petrified behavior leaves me no choice but to hide from her and begin searching on my own for our missing son. Going to Farhad's college and talking to his friends brings me the bitter reality that he has quited school. As persistent as I am, I find some students that they know about Farhad's place of living.

When I knock the door of the apartment, I fear of what I will face. Farhad opens the door, looking astonished, and...

"Mom, what are you doing here?"

I don't dare to tell him that I am not his mom, but her mom's other-half.

"I want you to come home with me."

He looks at me as though he sees a stranger.

"Why? Nobody lives the way we do. If you want to be miserable, I don't!"

I look at this handsome young man, who looks very much like Hana's dead father; and a world of sorrow shivers me. How can I blame him for his mistakes? My amiable look softens him a little but not to the point of going home with me. He wants assurance which leaves me no choice but to give in to him.

"Your brother and I need you. We need to do something before...," I pause with a feeling that makes it impossible to continue the conversation. How can I promise a change while it is up to his mother to change this miserable environment? I am only a spirit; nevertheless, when I remember Hana's breakdown for his disappearance and also Sam's problems, I convince myself that I perhaps can do something; and for this moment, I must act as his mother.

"What do you want to do? You always talk and never act." He feels oppressed and stifled beneath Lila's inquisitive eyes, who never finished her sentence. His low paying job at the grocery store brings him very little money to pay his share of the rent and food. That thought makes him think hard about his situation. However, he decides to get a promise from his mother before going home with her. He lifts his eyes and in an aloof way says:

"How do I know that this time isn't just talk like always and you really want to do something?"

"I promise; but we need to do it together. Without your help, I can't get rid of your father."

He thinks for awhile.

"Okay, it's done. Let me get my stuff."

To be Continued

Odyssey... 14- Obscene Abstraction

Dallas-

Abstracted with an ashen heart, which has withstood the most periodic phenomenon of compellable calamities, Hana withers in her safe corner which has been the only escape from gnawing. The extremity to feel sad becomes a weakness as the years have enfeebled her. Looking back to those days has brought all piteous cataclysms to a surface that has already been lamented. She is halted by the apparent load of hatred towards unknown places and people which overwhelmingly wastes her in a life of anger and crises in Dallas. Alone in a world of stories and myths, news and discoveries, she is lightheaded and does not know what life is all about. Remembering all endeavors and hardships for survival, all sleepless nights to finish college for better future, and everything else she had done to support, give, and ease, bring her a feeling of stifling oppression.

Hamid is worse than ever. His abuse, irresponsibility, and selfishness have reached an unendurable point. A few friends they have made, one by one scatter since he flirts with all women, young, old, married, or unmarried; and ruins everyone's party with his excessive drinking. Farhad and Sam have reached the age that standing a father like Hamid becomes impossible for them. Life in this apartment looks like a spark beneath cinder awaits coming to blaze any second.

Twenty years old Farhad, sees the reality of life outside the circle of his family and the world in that apartment. He sees the outside world mostly normal. He sees his friends mostly have conventional and stable lives. He exasperates for the cursed life that he, his brother, and his mother live. Being ashamed, he can not even talk to his closest friend about his deepest affliction which leaves him in an abnormal way of solitude. This feeling causes him the lack of concentration, enthusiasm, and purpose. The bitter feeling results in unsuccessful accomplishment in college one semester after the other; while he hides those failures from his mother. Meeting a wrong friend for his state of mind adds to all these disastrous dilemmas; and soon coming home late becomes a normal habit for him. He had seen so much miseries in his short life. Alcohol turns to be an escape; and getting drunk gives him a sense of frivolous oblivion. Angry at everything, he wonders why his mother does not do anything about this excruciating life! How can she take all these emotional and physical abuse he has witnessed? He just does not understand it. He, who at this point is more American than Iranian, can not comprehend his mother anymore. He feels that she must be crazy to put herself and her children through this tortured life! Discovering his true feeling brings him a world of abandonment that he no longer can cope with it. What does he do? While not being able to talk to anyone, he makes a desperate decision. he packs his clothes one day that no one is home and moves to his friend's apartment.

Sixteen years old Sam finds the answer in football. In tenth grade, he is popular and well liked by his schoolmates; and is adored by girls. In the gym, he builds up his muscles and shows them off by wearing tight shirts or tank tops. In the field, he discharges his anger by tackling the players of the other team very hard, running harder, and becoming a star. However, an accident brings him to a mental collapse so devastating and dire that shatters him entirely. A fall, while playing football, causes him to go to the hospital. The doctor treats the fracture on his ankle. After doing many session of physical therapy, he thinks he can be back in the game. He is so impatient to play football again, that he does not give himself enough time to heal. He wants to be back right away; and even his coach tells him that he needs to take more time off. Trying hard and pushing himself to do what he did before, brings him a torturous pain; and when he finally gives up football, he also relinquishes all other activities. Nobody is there for him to tell him that he can be back in the game if he practices some patience. He changes to a lonesome teenager who finds no elation in anything that has thrilled him before. At home, a place that has always been devastating with his abusive father, depressed mother, and indifferent brother, he finds no solution for his deplorable fortune. In the chasm of obscurity, he finds himself lying in bed, doing nothing. Soon, he becomes a gluttonous creature, who finds pleasure only in eating. Very soon, the fit, muscular teenager turns to an overweight person. Excessive fat covers his body while he loses all sense of courage and grace.

To be Continued