Chapter Eigh||||||| Passages

Aria was served divorce paper in less than a month. By then he thought he was ready for it without any fight; nonetheless, his anguish of Rosy's betrayal was not diminished at all. Working in a restaurant as a waiter was not what his father could approve of, but that was the best he could do. The money was not great; however with Anna's help he was able to manage. He still refused to live with his sister. He wanted to be left alone. The aftermath of all these had affected him so terribly that he dropped all his classes for summer. He could not concentrate on studying anymore.
Anna tried not to give him any advice. She just wanted to be there for him and love him. Their father stayed adamant even after he heard about the divorce. He did not want to communicate with his son; but he used Anna to get information about him. His daughter's reasonable discussion with him did not change his inflexible mind. The inescapable condition that Anna, Aria, and Shahzdeh were caught in was like an obstacle in their eyes; although for an American could seem as no barrier, obstacle, or problem at all.
The test of life, that predestined actualization which traumatized these three people, worked in a different way. The fourth person in the family, Fatie, the mother and wife, had no idea what was happening at home or in America. Anna gained more vigor to try changing her father's mind, to help her brother, and to accomplish her own goals. Aria lost his strength and sense of existence. Shahzdeh felt that in his old age he had nothing to look forward to it.
Anna's unconditional love helped Aria to overcome the provoked anger within him somewhat. Even though they did not live together, there was not a day that they did not see each other. If one day Aria could not go to Anna'a apartment, she would go to the restaurant he worked in the evening just to make sure that he was okay. Her feelings for her brother was above being related by blood. Somehow she felt that Aria was her child and as a mother she had the responsibility to take care of him. Aria not only did not mind his sister's overprotective attention, he enjoyed it, too; and sometimes unconsciously took advantage of it.
With Anna's insistence, Aria enrolled for fall semester. Anna made sure that his apartment was clean, his clothes were laundered and pressed, and he had food in the refrigerator. She left him alone while watching him and taking care of him. She learned how to drive and bought a used Volkswagen Bug, only to have the freedom and convenience to check on her brother at any time or when he called her and needed her.
Her roommate, Marianna, had a hard time to understand Anna's dedication to her eight years older brother. When she learned that Aria was Anna's half brother, she was even more confused. In fact, Anna herself, could not understand why she was so obsessed to take care of her brother to that unbelievable degree. Whatever it was that made her that way, would impact her life. If Aria had a simple cold, she was devastated.
By New Year, her eighteen's birthday, a year after she had left Iran, she was well adjusted to American living, had accumulated forty hours of credits, and had helped her brother to overcome a short, broken marriage. Everything seemed normal; she looked contented; but did she?
In that profoundly realized, but to some degree questionable, vulnerable with her belief; in all that poison of distressing longing that had turned inwards, in the delirium indisposition and uncertainly, strongly solving problems with no regrets , she understood that the heart of happiness and contentment that shone in her was distress and sadness. She felt empty inside. A stormy ocean inside her puzzled her tremendously."What is it I want?" She always talked to herself. "I wanted to come to America, now I am here. I wanted to be in control of my life. Now I am. What is it that I want! Why am I calm outside but in uproar inside?" She did not know the answer.
Marianna gave her the answer one evening when she was getting ready for a date.
"How come you don't date?" She asked.
Anna forced a smile and thought for a minute. "Why do I have to date?"
Marianna laughed: "Why not? Every single person needs to date. We can't fight our nature."
"Our nature? What is our nature? What do you mean?"
"I mean don't you have any desire to meet young men, go out with them; get to know them..."
Anna interrupted her friend: " No, I don't. Iranian girls don't date."
"I am surprised. How come? Don't tell me that you're different or don't have any feeling for men!"
Anna was completely bewildered. After Mariann left, she thought about their conversation. Was that true that she did not have any desire to meet men? Surprisingly she discovered that what was bothering her and making her to feel miserable had something to do with all these feelings and desires that she was trying to suppress them. She was carried away by her emotion blindly. That discovery about herself shivered her and she reminded herself of the culture she was brought up in. What would other people think of her if she would date, or what would they think of her if she would not! Why was it so important to her what people think of her? What would Aria think of her? What if her father would find out? Thinking about all these made her giddy and she fell asleep on the sofa. She had forgotten completely that she was supposed to see Aria in the restaurant.
When Aria called, for a moment, she did not remember where she was. When gradually she gained her awareness, she recalled her outrage, her displeased discovery. To Aria, she just simply said that she had fallen asleep and she would see him tomorrow. She did not have a feeling of sorrow but a blind rage, an extensive feeling of feebleness. In the turmoil of last year, she came to realization that she had been lonelier than ever.
Her heart of compressed ash, as she had lost a loved one, had withstood the most set back of daily reality without pain. Now she felt apart and far with the first wave of nostalgia. The need to feel sad became a weakness as night grew darker. She could not help a knot forming in her throat. Finally her eyes filled with tears and for the first time in one year, she allowed herself to sob. That was the least she could do for herself.
As she slowly eased into her first cry, her mind drifted into the past and memories; and drifted back into the present, as her awareness was awaiting. It was like passages made of spiral and unknown objects that let her walk easily into past and back to now. After her journey was over, she knew that she was feeling better.

To Be Continued

Chapter Eight,}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Passages

In the center, the brightest pearl is always set;
In the essence of the mind and heart.
Passages from one heart to other have met.
Crossing without obstacles from start.

And if there is no barrier or wall,
Why do we need doors or locks at all?'

In illusion we see sunrise;
But it is the sunset in a gray day.
Feeling sad, I cry, I despise.
But as I look around, I dismay.

Who is not sad or in blaze?
Who is not foggy or in daze?
*
In the dark room, on the floor, Anna was sitting, hugging her knees. As her eyes slowly became accustomed to the dark, she saw the shadows of her imaginations in the light. She thought about all those empty years. A haunting vision of the other half of life, the motherhood, the womanliness, the care taking symbol, the exalted, splendid, and amenable other half captured her. She suffered by her own thought and remembered her miscarriage. She never got to know what the motherhood was all about. That Strong part of her stayed undiscovered for ever. It was with the bitterness of the world turning in vague or the universe moving aimlessly and exasperatedly through the darkness that she thought of those visions. "The world is a very lonely place." She said that repeatedly and aloud. "Now I am in worse prison than ever." She felt numb, heard nothing, saw no shadows, and sensed no sensation.
Joseph's health worsened after that night out in the gazebo, as she had predicated. Vision of bliss slipped away unfairly. She pondered over the abyss of desertion she was caught in its web while clenching her teeth. The lifeless world seemed unreal; and as she conjured up a vision, a life, she felt anguish and anxiety were creeping. "I may as well go with him." She thought. "How can I bury the second man that I've ever loved?" But immediately she investigated her feeling. The love she had for Joseph was very different than the love she had for Steve. This one was a mature love and understanding; the other had been an escape, a transient passion of youth. Thought and feeling that she would not like to bring onto the surface, hammered her like many inquisitive eyes and she drowned herself one more time in them.
*
Festivity was over; good times and easy life were not around any longer. When Shahzdeh had said that after six months he would not send money to Aria, Anna had thought that he might change his mind, but he did not. The brawl began between Rosy and Aria when he suggested that they both needed to get a job.
"Why do I need you for if I have to get a job?" Rosy broke in rudely.
"Is that why you married me, my money?"
Rosy shuddered but she turned her back to him. She had showed her real self to her husband, something that Anna knew from the beginning.
Anna volunteered to give half of her money to Aria; however that was not enough for the extravagant life that Rosy was used to it. Aria went to his sister apartment unannounced one Sunday afternoon, exactly one month after their father had stopped sending him money. His face was red and his eyes were feverish.
"Rosy left me. She moved out."
Anna knew instinctively of this inevitable outcome. She had been able to unravel Rosy's mind the first minute she saw her.
"Sit down, Aria. It's not the end of the world."
"She never loved me. She wanted my money. She used me."
"relax, I know." You're better off without her."
"How can you say that? I love her. How can she do this to me?"
Anna let her brother to discharge all his anger; and when he was finally calm, she went to him and hugged him.
"Listen, I know how upset you are now. I understand it. I am sure one day you'll meet a nice woman, someone that loves you for you."
"Woman! I'm done with that."
"I know you're hurt now. I don't blame you. But let's be logical. You have a wonderful future. You'll be a doctor one day. Things will change." Her vehement talk brought a warmth to Aria.
What do I do without you? You're my anchor even though I'm eight years older than you. I am ashamed of the way I treated you when you were living with us."
"Don't, that wasn't you. What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. I'm devastated."
"I hope these things don't interfere with your school!"
"I don't know."
"Do you want us to live together again if it helps you?"
"I don't think so. You need to have a life. You don't want to put up with a depressed person."
"What a sister is for, then? Actually I think it is a right thing to do right now."
"I don't know. I think about it."
He hugged his sister. It felt good to know someone loved him truly.

To Be Continued