Odyssey...*** 7- Pale Glow

Tehran-

How weak, fragile and angelic dad looked on that fourth of July, his last birthday; a thirty five years old man who was going to die soon, with five children, a wife, and two brothers to support. Hana, who left home for work every morning, begged her mom before leaving not to let the nuisance relatives disturb dad.

"What am I supposed to do? Throw them out!" Gol seemed powerless.

"Yes, mom, if you can't, I can and I will. I throw them out. I don't want them here. I thought we weren't supposed to tell dad; but he knows because of all these coming and going." Hana's anger at whole situation was to the point of boiling out and burning everyone.

Mom bent her head, and calmly said: "It's going to be hard."

"You can do it mom. Do it for dad. His relatives acts as though he is already dead. They come in the morning and stay here, have lunch and dinner, laugh and talk and talk about his cancer in front of him. Why can't they see we don't have the income to cook for so many people! why can't they see, he needs to be contented and at ease?!" Hana was beyond angry. He knew soon he will do something.

At school where Hana taught, all her colleagues knew the misfortunate terminal disease of her father; however, that knowledge did not stop them to be envious and infuriated at her because her distant cousin, who was the Minster of Education, had placed her in that position without having a teaching certificate. Hana wondered about their demeanor. She did her job better than any of them, she was very knowledgeable in anything she taught; nonetheless, solely deep inside she understood their indignation since she saw that displeasure and unrest in the entire society for many unjust things haunting people everywhere. Realizing that fact, motivated her to go back to school and take only one class at the time so she could work and would have time to be at home to take care of all the happening there. Very soon, she became the mother, and her mom changed to be another child at home. her talking to mom did not help the ordinary way of women's behavior that Gol had it, too.

Every evening, Hana looked into her brothers and sisters homework, the next day's living affairs, and then checked dad's condition. Finally one evening, what her mother could not tell all those loathsome relatives, she did:

"My dad needs his rest and peace. You just can't come here everyday and sit by his bedside and talk about what you've seen in magazine. Do it in your home, or help us in some way. If you want to see your brother, once a week is enough and that should be just a short visit not the all day picnic with all your children and..."

The angry relatives left and never came back; but not before complaining to Gol about Hana's rude and mean behavior. Hana did not care what they thought of her.

Now that dad knew about his fatal disease, every night after Hana was finished with her routine, he talked to her, as though she would be the one taking care of the family after his death. She held dad's hand for hours and let him talk, fall asleep, wake up, talk more. He always cursed the cruel life. Radiation and medicined did not help the cancer of spreading out; There was no chemo theraphy those days; and very soon, dad's inability for eating gave the repulsive signal the that end was near.

~~

Davoud, Hana's dad, loved to feel the warmth of sun rays coming through the open window on his weak and mortal body. There, lying in bed, unable doing what seemed very normal, he despised the despairing frivolity of life. He began doubting God he had worshipped all his life. Dizzily, he knew that he was mortified by a culture and custom in which he had been forced to marry at age seventeen and to have his first child, Hana, at age eighteen. being home late only one hour, his father had pressured him to marry: "It is time for you to marry a nice girl." His logic had been, "When a boy starts coming home late, he must marry". So Davoud had become a family man at the age that boys would enjoy their teenage years. Gol, his wife, being only one year younger than him, had not been much help since no one had taught her how to prevent unwanted pregnancy or tell Davoud how to do it. He was not blaming her for this because, she, like him, did not know any thing. They were two kids who enjoyed sex; and did not know the consequences of unprotected one. Five children arrived in ten years one after the other. Davoud had to become mature in a hurry to support them.

On the first day of autumn, The day that children were going back to school, Davoud found a little strength to gaze at the luminous rays of light pouring in with the morning sun. It gave his cold and broken body a warmth he enjoyed very much. He had enough energy left in him to investigate his life. The bitter reckoning suffocated him to a point that the magnitude of life did not seem so great anymore. He wondered in fright how he had gotten to that abyss of desertion. In a terrifying state of exhaustion, he let his entity be led to a shapeless place, where there were only a big moon and millions of stars in the bottomless of darkness. He felt that he could no longer resist the growling of his organs, fears, and the bewildered anxiety to join the sky; and at the same time to stay forever. The exasperated silence and the fearful journey made him shudder while he noticed that time was not passing. Then he felt a pure air in his aching skin; and an unbearable smell of memories floated.

There was a mournful glow on his face that was the color of autumn when his family found him dead on his bed. After all, Hana was not with him at the time of his death, nobody was. He died on his on term. She never told him she loved him. She also lost glow of her life.

When darkness slowly creeps,

A silent, vivacious breeze

Is felt on my colorless face;

And within my soul, restless of chase.

I feel faint and weak.

All I desire to rest not to seek.

I feel slowly within me,

The fire of life becomes free.

My knees buckle and shake;

Can't support my body of this ache.

I feel I may fall in some dark abyss

When my cheeks, gust of wind kiss.

Trying to open my eyes,

To see once more the world and skies;

But I find I can not though;

The fire of life is now a glow.

I found a sound afar;

It resembles the wailing of a war.

But still fast, faster blow

Tells me of my dying glow.

Another gust of wind is near,

To give my face a last cheer!

Frightened and shivering, I know

The fire of living is now only a glow.

Dallas-

Fourth of July is almost over while another shocking day will arrive soon, first of autumn, the day that Hana's dad died in his dream while being only thirty six years old. Now she is almost the same age when her father took his last journey. One thing dad's death has reinforced in her life, and that is not to put her thoughts into words. She has learned to hide his emotions, disgust, and distrust from everyone. Even after dad's death, when everyone was mourning, moaning, and fainting, she became the organizer and care taker to give the dad the last respect he deserved; while inside her soul, she fought with a spacious ferocity that wanted to tear everything and everybody apart. The perpetual irritation has ruthlessly infested her life like a permanent wound in finger. While nothing can lull her uproarious soul, she has managed to stay calm and responsible.

When each day begins with a morning mist, she looks at the nature's exhibition, and fantasizes that somewhere far, very far, her father roams dramatically under coquettish stars and breathes easily the irresistible fresh air and laughs joyously for feeling the animated breeze. Then she believes that they are joined till eternity by a bond that is more lasting that life- love.

To Be continued

Odyssey... _-_-7- Pale Glow

Being overwhelmed in her own misery, Hana even did not notice her father's pale face and tremendous loss of weight. Sitting in the class, which was very different from high school, she had a hard time to concentrate or listen. Her chair in the class was a place to sit down and day dream. When it was time for the test, she did not know what the professor was talking about. She, who had passed the KONKOR with honor in the entire country, now did not care about the subject matter, or her future goal. Nevertheless, she kept her vision intact. In each class she met different students; and her lively vision allowed her to investigate them and discover if any of them knew her kind of pain. To her, eyes were the representative of each face and soul. She could see much pains in some of those eyes. Without speaking, all those gloomy eyes somehow befriended her; as there was an empathic glare in them that connected those young people together. Shala, a young woman in her history class, when they were talking in the campus, one day told her of the grievous death of her father. She said how her family had almost shattered because of his death. She talked about the possibility of quitting college and getting a job to help her mother. Her story was so shocking that Hana was embarrassed of being so arrogant and thinking only about her problems. How could unfair life steal education from a bright woman, who had passed KONKOR, like Shala?

Going home from school in the bus, she remembered her father's pale face and loss of weight. Disturbing thoughts provoked her; as though she, too, was about to lose her father and was forced to quit college to get a job. At home after a long time being aloof towards everyone, especially her parents, she asked her mom about dad's health:

"What is wrong with dad? He's lost a lot of weight."

"You've finally noticed!" Her mom said in a sarcastic tone.

"Don't be cynical, mom. I have my problems, too."

"What is your problem? You have everything and you don't have to work for it."

She had never seen mom this bitter, even at the time of dad's financial problem. However, she said:

"I don't want to explain myself to you. Let's leave that out. I just want to know about dad."

"Well, he's sick." Mom burst into tears.

"What kind of sickness, what?"

"We don't know yet. The doctor is running some tests,"

That news was beyond Hana's endurance. All those time she had been busy grieving and feeling sorry for herself, a greater tragedy was taking place in her house which she was not aware of it. How could she dissipate an abyss of shame that suddenly enveloped her? Wasn't she, the oldest child, was supposed to be a confidant and a shoulder to her sorrowful mother at this time? To her surprise, even her brothers and sisters knew about dad's health problem. She was truly ashamed of herself. She did not feel that it was her mother who had hidden that important matter from her, but it was her, who had been occupied by her mournful affliction, and did not care about family matters anymore. Her own sorrow had left a mask of indifference not only on her face but even on her soul which completely blinded her to see things at home, or focus at college. She finally realized that Saeid perhaps had more issues than being in love with her to take his own life! What if he wanted her to feel bad and guilty for the rest of her life for the way her family, particularly Uncle Nabi had treated his family and him. That was a terrible thought that was blooming in her. She loved to be in love with him for the rest of her life even though he was dead; but now this new thought which were forming in her mind was showing a different perspective of this whole tragedy to her.

It took a shocking trauma to bring Hana close to her parents; and she tried by doing more than her ability to make up for the stolen times. Her father, who was still going to work every morning, at age thirty five looked like an old man. Hana, who suffered a delusion after the initial shock, felt more fear than appall when looking at her dad's spiritless eyes, which at one point had been fierce and dynamic. While going to work was becoming more difficult for him, another trauma struck the family. Grandma had a stroke. Gol, Hana's mom, was torn between taking care of her family and her husband and going to hospital to visit her mother-in-law; while the two uncles, Reza and Asad, moved back to Hana's house. Hospital bills, and dad's medical expenses even with having medical insurance through his work, became unbearable, as though there was nothing else to spend.

Now that she was on track, with all the turmoils, she successfully finished the first semester at college; and to her mother's extreme surprise, she decided not to enroll but to get a job. She did not accept her parents' vehement reasoning. "I need to help. This can not go on." That was her repeated answer. Deep down inside, she wished grandma's death; so one less financial burden; and it happened. Three months after the initial stroke, grandma died in Hana's house. For the first time she saw a dead person. Grandma was laying there in her bed so quietly and peacefully that Hana could not believe she was the one who had constantly fought her mother and demanded material thing from her father.

All grandma's children, she had eight, who had never helped a dime ever to help their brother and even with the crises of the hospital bills while they knew their brother was sick, gathered in their home, screaming and crying: "Mother. mother!" The funeral and burial took place one day later, according to Islamic law that one should bury their dead in twenty four hours, unless there is a special circumstance. The customary mourning lasted one week in their home; while all the families including the eight children with their spouses and children and some friends ate lunches and dinners there. Hana's mom and her mother cooked and shopped all days. Every evening the Muslim priest, came to the house and made people to cry even harder with his reading of Koran in Arabic language. Hand was certain that nobody understood what the Muslim priest was reading. As far as she was concerned, he might be reading not from Koran but some other thing. No one knew the Arabic language. However, after the Arabic reading of supposedly Koran which made people to cry even harder was ended, the eating would start. While they were eating like pigs, in Hana's opinion, there was no crying. Everybody laughed and talked and passed around the dishes. None of dad's sister and brothers even cared to notice their older brother's deteriorating health and finance. As much as Hana wished for the end of the brawl, she knew her two uncles would again become the permanent resident of their home now that they had lost their mother. She did not understand why a twenty and eighteen years old young men needed their brother's support and supervision; and why the other sisters and brothers could not help even if it was only just a small amount! She did not like this culture which the oldest son should take care of his mother and young siblings in case of the death of his father; no, she did not like it a bit.

To Be continued

Odyssey... 7- Pale Glow

Dallas-

To Hana's dismay, growing dread that fills her days, accentuates the conspicuous nothingness. The dazzling power of remembering that tragic time looms indistinctly like a mist; and she still scolds herself. As her age progresses and her face begin to wither, the blame inside her every existing cells becomes greater and more unbearable. Somehow she has learned to live with it as though that remorse is a very important part of her body. Not being able to talk about it to anyone did not help the massive tribulation and anger which was burning her from inside out; and drying her like a parched soil. In her distracted hallucination, she is exasperated by a life that has to be lived and responsibilities that must be met.

Then she remembers the cruel people around her who responded to the piteous death of that young flower so indifferently that she wished to kill them all. As frightened as she is of Hamid, her husband, to find her writing, she had this strong need to write. She wants to write a poem about those days. "I can destroy it after writing it." she says it to herself.

I reflect the feelings of yesterday;

I was young and had no dismay.

Schools and other things were in my mind,

Not the sorrow that today I find.

Yesterday's thoughts make me feel,

A vicious sadness hard to deal.

I think of the one who possessed my heart;

Our destiny rules us to part.

I can't forget that handsome face;

Nor how he took his life for my disgrace.

I said my farewell with desperate rave;

For I wasn't allowed to say it at his grave.

~~

That night moon had only a wan light.

My face reflected a dark shadow of fright.

I stood in deadly silence to hear,

Any sympathizing word about my dear.

But no one knew, no one did care;

That we had promised each other to pair;

That we didn't want to part.

Such was our love, so certain in heart.

Now I think of those limited days;

How sweetly they burned me with blaze.

Hard days have come, hard days had gone;

And I always for those days long.

Tehran-

The news of Saeid's death did not reach Hana's family right away, while she instinctively knew something was terribly wrong. Her dreams never lied to her. Two weeks later her father casually mentioned what he had heard. "You know Saied, Behroz's friend, I heard he has committed suicide." Father said those words as though he was talking about the death of a bird or a cat or a tree. All Hana's vain hopes disappeared by that odd statement of her father. Suicide, not being a normal or pleasant word in their vocabulary, was translated to an act of weakness and cowardliness specially among men; but not to Hana. She knew that many great people in world had committed suicide. She did not believe that killing oneself is an act of debility.

Summer was almost over, while she never participated in their SECRET SOCIETY anymore. She refused to see Behroz since she did not want any sympathy from him. What could Behroz tell her to ease the tremendous guilt that was blooming in her heart? She learned to live in dark and away while being in light and among. It was just like twilight which always ambiguous between dark and light. End of Summer meant starting school; and she who had already passed with highest honor the over crowded, difficult exam (KONKOR) for entering the university, was looking forward to get away from home without being questioned.

To Be Continued