Odyssey... 5- ### SOLITUDE

"My dearest friend, Behroz,

"Why did it take you so long to write me? I thought I never hear from you. As smart as you are, I knew that by now you have found out about Hana and me; and I was waiting for your interrogation. Yes, it is true. I love your niece; I love her innocence, her purity, her intelligence, and the earth she stands on it. I can't live in a city that she also lives. If I can't see her, talk to her, be with her, and tell her that how much I love her, my life would be a narrow stream that never finds a way to an ocean."

A roaring cry stopped Hana from reading. The flood of tears wet the letter and the blue ink of the words ran like a stream; the same stream that would never reach the ocean. She got up from the chair and walked a few steps to bed. Kneeling down on the floor with the letter now on the bed, she tried to look through window to the mystery of the night. Then she tried to console her roaring emotion. After a few minutes, she sat on the edge of Behroz's bed, and began reading the rest of the letter.

"You're offering me help! what kind of help can you give me and Hana while we both know how predigest your parents are. How can you make them change the attitude that had rooted in them from generations before them? Can you help us to run away? Do you want us to do such thing? I don't think so. You can't even help yourself. Remember Lida! How she had to get away because of the way your brother treated her.

"My empty life is full of activities. With sublime and abject moments, I stay busy all day and everyday; and take a journey to unknown all night and every night. My life is an exasperated silence and a fearful solitude. The day I decided to join the army, I wanted to keep it that way; but now with your insistence, I am going to try one more time. I want to share my life with Hana. Fearing a life of doubt and revelation, I'll come to Tehran in the middle of August for two weeks. If things work out the way you have promised, which I doubt it, I quit the army and stay; if not, I am not sure what I will do. What you've written me has given me a hallucinated lucidity. Hoping for clarity, I'll see you soon."

Hana kissed the letter so many times that it began looking like a dirty handkerchief. A narrow gleam of hope enlightened her tortured heart. Wishing for a miracle in the middle of August, she left Behroz's home without saying good-bye to him or to her grandparents. The crumbled letter, wet of her tears, remained on the bed.

Dallas-

"Mom, why are you crying?" Sam's small hand touches Hana's wet face. She, not being sure of her surroundings, hugs her son vehemently. How much she wishes that Saeid was his children's father.

Kerman-

In the barrack, lying down on his bed, Saeid thought about a hope that looked so far, so faded, and so unreal that caused him to cover his face with a nostalgic squeal. The distraught vision brought him the memory of a pure, untouched, and serene love. Then he joined hand with Hana by a bond that was more solid than love- a common edge of conscience. Suffering a delusion, he felt more fear than pleasure. Wondering in terror, he did not know how he had gotten to that abyss of abandonment. The torrential downpour for the past three days made him shudder with the evidence that time was not passing but it was turning in a circle. The insomniac nights had tortured his soul to think with exasperation about the indelible solitude then and days to come...

To Be Continued

Odyssey... <><> 5- Solitude

Dallas-

Behind the steamy window, Hana gazes into dark, searching unknown, or hoping to find an answer for the hollow life she lives. Analyzing her life, she realizes that she has lost her best friend and mentor, Behroz, she has deprived from her homeland, her soul has slipped our of her body, and she has not known love to a man since Saeid's...

Tehran-

At home, Hana was dried out. There were no more tears to be shed. She thought about Saeid far away constantly. She even thought about Lida, her uncle's love and someone she knew, even further, another country. Their inauspicious loves had made those two people to run away and leave a place that their lives had been full. Saeid had joined army, even though he had done his draft right after finishing high school. That meant he had picked a career that would always be away. He had gotten away from everything he adored. Lida had flown to Canada, other side of the world to recover form a bitter love. The last she heard about Lida, she was going to college and was engaged. In their neighborhood words always got around like dry Summer fire. Before, she had not connected Lida's going to Canada to her uncle. Now she knew. Hana felt guilty being the cause of Saied's disappearance; she could feel Behroz's grief as well.

Among the walls of her closet- like room, she felt stifled. She had no clue of what she should do; or how she could find peace within herself. On the moment of absolute exhaustion, and heat of the summer, she felt cold.

Some days later, Hana's parents insisted on her going to college. They knew that she was not only the smartest among their children but also the most motivated and disciplined one. Perhaps they wanted her to have what they never had enough of it, education. They have high hope for her. They always told each other: "If one of our kids can get college degree, it would be Hana." So her going to college was more like a dream of her parents, and she could not disappoint them. She reluctantly enrolled for the big exam prior entering the university (KONKOR). If she would be accepted, sitting in the classroom might bring her some peace. She took the KONKOR in mid Summer. Frustrated of waiting for the result that always was published in newspapers all over the country, she decided to go to Behroz's home and to participate in their "SECRET SOCIETY".

There, they talked about their usual philosophical discourse. Those three young men, who could not make a decision for their own lives, were trying to save the world. Now she laughed at them, even though at one point she was dying to be included. How foolish of her that then she had wanted so badly to be just like them. As none of them inevitably could decide for their own future, they talked about misfortunes of others and ways to save them. However, her reason for going there was to be near Behroz so if he had a letter from Saeid she would know it right away. In fact, she even did not know if Behroz had written to Saeid the letter he had promised to her he would write.

A month of full anxiety and waiting passed after revealing her secret to her uncle. As eager as she was to know about the outcome of their conversation, she was also very shy to ask Behroz anything. However one evening after Safa and Mehran left, she stayed and without thinking or lingering, so the shyness would not stop her, courageously she asked Behroz:

"Did you write to Saeid?"

"I did. In fact, today I received his letter. Do you want to read it?"

Hana overwhelmed by excitement and fear, got up from her usual chair, and sat back again, while feeling blood stopped flowing in her veins.

"Do you want to read it or you want me to read it for you?" Behroz asked her.

Hana's supplicant eyes was the answer to his question; therefore, he handed the letter to her. She put it on the desk and moved the chair so her back was to Behroz. Gazing at the discolored walls, she did not dare to look at it. Her cold hand on it felt the warmth of the one who had written it. Tears quickly rushed down her cheeks. Behroz understood her pain and put his hands on her shoulders and gently asked her if she wanted him to leave the room.

"Yes, please. " Her voice was barely audible.

Behroz left the room and closed the door behind him. She picked up the letter and held it next to her heart to feel the agony of Saeid; and then shakily began reading it through the mist of her eyes.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{} 5- Solitude

Dallas-

Interrogation is something Hana knows well. For every change of behavior, demeanor, or action she answered her dad, mom, uncle, husband, and children skillfully. She can not hide anything. Ironically one thing she has been able to keep it to herself- her true feeling. She has mastered this art within years because of hurt and betrayal that surrounded her. However she she has not that proficient at age seventeen, as she remembers it now. Her uncle, Behroz, could see that extreme disturbance in her face and conduct. Was it because she was not that expert to hide her feelings then, or was because Behroz and she almost grew up together and they knew each other very well? Now after all these years, it does not matter anymore. She is far from Behroz and even much further from Saeid. A separation that will never connect again. With a grievous heart, she buries her face in dark bosom of bed and conjures up Behroz's room, where interrogation took place.

Tehran-

Behroz paced the room back and froth, back and... After awhile he stopped in the middle of the room staring at Hana, who was drowned in her dire thoughts.

"Do you want to tell me?"

Hana shook by that question. She raised her head and looked at her uncle straight in the eyes.

"Tell you what!"

"Don't play with me. You know what I'm talking about!"

"No, I don't."

"Listen, Hana, I'm not stupid. I've known Saeid since we were kids; and you since you were born. I had my suspicion. tell me what is going on." His voice was becoming harsh which was not his natural way of speaking.

Hana panicked. She was nervous and horrified; and about to burst into tears. A drop of tear fell on her cheek and her eyes glistened. There was a mist before her eyes and words could not find a way to come out.

"Talk to me; I want to help you. I am your friend. You can trust me."

By now Hana let her emotion fill the room. There was no way to stop the unwanted tears. Her cry sounded like a loud roar; and the flood of the tears darkened the room for her. Behroz hugged her, and she put her head on his shoulder wrapping her arms around him, while finding comfort to discharge all those agony to her uncle and best friend.

"Oh, Behroz, I want to die. I hate life."

Behroz patiently let her to let go of all the suppressive feelings from her eyes while holding her for some time. His sympathetic fervor was not only for her but for their lives; and many other young people who lived in that society. When there was no more tears to be shed, he released her and stood back to look at her. Her eyes were red and swollen and her hair was messy. She sat at the edge of the chair, stared into space, as she did not see anything in that absolute bewilderment. Behroz, being worried, called her:

"Hana, are you feeling better now?"

She jumped up from the chair when she heard his gentle voice, as if someone had attacked her.

"Relax, I am safe. You've always trusted me!"

She began crying again, but this time a silent weeping.

"Oh, Behroz, what am I going to do?"

"We work out something. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, you're the only real family I have."

"I feel the same for you!"

"Oh, Behroz, help me. I am going crazy."

"Have you guys done anything?"

"What do you mean?" She knew what he meant, but she was shocked by that question.

"You know what I mean!"

"Oh, my God, Behroz, shame on you; how could you even... I swear..."

"Al right, all right, don't get angry. I had to ask. I believe you. Just tell me how long this was going on?"

"I don't know. I just woke up one day and envisioned my feeling for Saeid; and then I looked at him and I knew he felt the same for me. That is all."

"Did you two see each other secretly, I mean besides here?"

"Just once, the day I got my diploma."

"What happened?

"Nothing. We just walked for hours in silence; and he was angry, very angry. He even frightened me. He said he loved me, and he said our families never accept him; and then we went our separate ways."

"You know Hana, he was right. I don't think our family ever accept him. They've always put his family down. They even wanted me to stop being friend with him, but they couldn't. He is very intelligent man, the type that I like to associate with. I had to fight with Nabi to stay friend with him. Just give me some time. Let me see what I can do."

"No, Behroz, you can't do anything. He's gone and I will never see him again. I feel it."

"Don't be so negative. I go to his parents and ask for his address. Then I write a letter to him."

"What will you write?"

"That, I am not sure. Perhaps I ask him to come back. I tell him that I can help him."

"What kind of help? What can you do?"

"I don't know yet."

"You can't change our parents."

"I know, but I'll try. Meanwhile you don't talk to anyone about this."

"You know I won't."

"I think you better come back to our meeting like before. That will make you feel better; and besides I think the boys are suspicious. Your coming back take the guesswork out of the equation, and besides it makes you feel better. One more thing, I think you need to prepare yourself to take the "KONKOR" as it was your plan before. If you don't do that, again it creates suspicion."

"I don't know. I don't want to." There was a finality in her words.

"That is not acceptable even to me. You are the best student in the entire country; and no matter what happens, you must think about your future. You always wanted to go to university. Nobody says that you have to choose only one of them."

Hana waved her hands as the sign of uncertainty.

"Well, if you changed your mind, You know you can come. I promise it's good for you."

She wiped the reminder of the salty tears from her face and got up from the chair. Her body was bent like an old woman.

"Do you feel better now?"

"I'm not sure... You don't know how I feel!"

"Yes, I do. I know very well how you feel."

"How? You've never been in love!"

Behroz's eyes filled with tears and he sat on bed before striking Hana with his story.

"Yes, I have been in love."

Hana, who was caught by surprise, looked at him vehemently for a moment. She almost forgot her pain.

"Who? How come I didn't know about it?"

"Let's not talk about it."

"I told you mine; you must tell me yours!"

He got up and paced the room for awhile. Then he sat on his narrow bed which was covered by a blue and navy quilted bedspread. He began, almost nonchalantly, as though telling a story.

"Remember Lida?"

"Yes, of course. We went to the same school. She was two grades higher than me. I heard she went to Canada."

"That is right. You know her family are not as old fashioned as ours. We saw each other many times; until one day Nabi caught us by surprise in cinema. I think he had followed us because he is not a type to go to movies."

"What happened?"

"You know him. He practically dragged us out of there and then told Lida her that families are whores, her mother is a whore..."

"I don't believe it. Did uncle Nabi really say say those things?"

"Yes, he did. Lida was hurt so much that she told me if I don't do anything about it, she would never see me again. I tried to mend that horrible act of my brother, but it didn't work. I never saw her again."

"Oh, Behroz, I am so sorry. Did you try to see her?"

Yes, I did, but she didn't want to have anything to do with me. She wrote me a letter saying if I loved her I had to leave my family specially my brother. She said in her letter that she was going to Canada; and if I join her, we would marry there. But how could I? I needed money for getting my passport and visa and airplane ticket and other things; and there was no way I could get it since as you know, Nabi has hold of everything; even my share of money."

Now it was Hana's turn to console her uncle. She walked to him and put her hands around his neck.

"What is wrong with our families? Let's run away."

"Be reasonable, Hana. We can't run away from all these suppressive restrictions. They are fused to our souls. We just have to live and endure it."

"You sound like uncle Nabi."

"I may; but that doesn't make me like him. I fight him and the culture in my own way."

"How, what is your way? Teach me so I can do it, too."

"I don't know. Time will tell."

"I must go home now. Will you let me know?"

"Sure! comb you hair; and wash your face before leaving. You're a mess."

Hana hugged her uncle; and Behroz kissed her on the cheek.

"Let us stay friends, no matter what!"

"We will."

"Thanks," She said before leaving.

"Don't thank me now. I haven't done anything yet."

Dallas-

To Be continued

Odyssey... 5- Solitude

Dallas-

The Summer is here. The graduation is over; and Hana watches her sons lazily move around, as she did many years before.

Tehran-

The hot summer after the successful graduation from high school, for Hana was boring and depressing. She had passed with grades that it was not possible to be any higher, and had made it as the number one in entire country, with her name printed in local papers all over the country. (The exams for graduating from high school in Iran is uniform both in the day that is taken and in the material for each exam. All schools in the entire country are under the Ministry of Education; therefore the lesson plan, exams, where the teachers work, if they transfer, they all come under that ministry. For example what they teach in Tehran is exactly what they teach anywhere else. The teacher who works in Tehran can be transferred to another city with or without her consent and carry her years as a teacher with her for the sake of retirement.)

Grandma and her two sons, Reza and Asad had finally moved out from their house. Reza, Hana's older uncle, had found a job. Combined with Hana's dad's help and Reza's income, they had rented an apartment close by. The relief was much greater for mom and dad. Hana's sisters and brothers, as usual, got on her nerve and did not leave her alone for a minute. Hot summer, dry nature, and laziness what she knew the best that Summer. She stayed in he room almost all day and lay on her bed. She quited reading, writing, and going to Behroz's home to participate in their SECRET SOCIETY. She was not certain if she wanted to go to college or find a job. Something that had been so important to her before, did not seem to matter anymore. She refused to talk about her future plan to her parents.

Some time passed. It was the middle of the Summer- a hot sunny day full of burning rays. In he room, lazy and unfeeling, she looked through the crack of the door to the hallway. She saw a faded shadow there which gradually became whole. Suddenly she recognized Saeid. As she could not believe that image, she rubbed her eyes for clarity and looked again where she had seen Saeid's reflection. No, there was no one there. She fell into a great sadness. All of the sudden, she realized that for the entire month she had only thought about Saeid. It seemed as though his existence had become a part of her entity. She wondered: "What is he doing now?" Although occasionally she had seen Behroz, she had never asked him about Saeid. The exasperated tension to see him, hear from him, made her to think about going to Behroz's home. She could not stand any longer the painful darkness and unawareness of that separation that they had forced upon themselves. She was dressed in five minutes and was ready to leave the house. Her mother, curious, watched her as though she had not seen her for a while.

"You're finally leaving your room! Where are you going?"

"To grandma's. I want to see Behroz."

"Good, You're normal again."

Hana smiled for she felt more abnormal than ever; even when she ate even her food in her room. She questioned her mom's credibility in her mind. "Mothers supposed to know how their children feel!" How could she judge her daughter's state of mind so poorly?! "I'll know how my children feel when I am a mother."

In Behroz's room, all the members were there but one, Saeid. She did not dare to ask; nonetheless she impatiently wanted to know about his whereabouts. While the tree young men warming up in their philosophical discussion, Hana was thinking of a plan to ascertain about Saeid. How could she ask that question without raising curiosity? A simple remark of Safa gave her the chance:

"We thought you never come back, getting ready for KONKOR (The big exam in entire country for entering university)." He said.

She thought for a moment and then said: "I wasn't going to."

"So I was right. We lost two member." Behroz, her uncle said.

"Two members!?" She thought to her self. "Now is the time."

"Two members? Why two?"

"You and Saeid. " Mehran, another member said.

"What happened to Saeid?" She asked casually.

"Oh, we don't know. He didn't come for a while; and then we heard that he's joined army for his draft." Behroz responded.

Hana's heart began pounding. Not being to control herself, as her boiling blood rushed to her head, she held the arms of the chair to stop herself from falling. As smart as Behroz, her uncle and even the others were, they all knew the disappearance of her and Saeid at the same time were connected. However, Behroz, her uncle, wanted to find out the secrecy behind all these.

"May be you guys home early tonight." He almost ordered his friends. "I like to talk to my niece. I haven't seen her for awhile."

Safa and Mehran, without asking any question left; while Hana was ready to hear the big interrogation. She was not sure how she would answer.

Dallas

To Be Continued