Odyssey...}{} 26- Agony

"Hana, I really like you. I want to help you but I don't know how."

Hana adores her American friend. Somehow she identifies her with Mina, her younger sister, who she has not seen for over ten years.

"You've helped me a lot. Don't underestimate yourself. Your kindness has cured many of my wounds. Just be yourself and be my friend, Valery." Hana'a soothing words are like a cool breeze in a summer day of Texas.

When they go home, Hana finds Farhad in his room, lying in bed. Valery senses Farhad's rude distance and does not stay. Feeling a little better after being with her friends for couple of hours, she does not know whether to talk to her son or not. Ironically, she decides to let things take their normal course. She thinks if she ignores Farhad rather than insists on talking to him, she will not put herself in a vulnerable position. As hard as it is for her to do so, she does not go to his room begging him to talk to her or calling him for dinner.

Farhad hears her mother roaming around the rooms and waits and waits. He is almost in a shock. "Why isn't she coming to my room? What is the matter with her?" And he blames Valery again and again for taking his mother away from him. Around eleven o'clock, when he sees the light of the living room goes off from underneath of his door, he impetuously gets up from bed and rushes out of his bedroom. Hana is still in the kitchen when she notices her son's rushing there. Her heart pounds as though is about to stop.

"Mom, I want to talk to you."

"I was waiting for that!" Hana tries to act calm.

"What is the matter with you? You're not acting like a mother anymore."

Hana sits on the stole by the bar and starts a cigarette.

"How mothers do act, son?"

"You've changed. You ignore me, you..." he stops. He does not know what else to say to this calm woman who used to get upset in similar situation.

"Sweet heart, we all change. Life is a process of changing for all human beings. You've changed, too. And you you will change as you grow older. No one can stay the same forever. Our experiences change us."

"Don't talk to me like a teacher! I don't like you this way. You're scaring me."

"Son, I don't blame you. For a long time you've seen me without any changes, now that I'm trying to have a life, too, it scares you. What I was before was not healthy. Listen, I am a human being like you and besides I'm not doing anything wrong."

"You're ignoring me. You're not the same."

"Farhad, you keep repeating yourself. You're not a child anymore. You're a twenty three years old man. I can't treat you like a child; and even if I do, you wouldn't like it. You're my son and I love you to death, but that doesn't mean that I have to treat you like a baby. Even if I want to, you won't allow it."

Farhad thinks about what his mother says; and even though he knows deep down that she is right, he protests it:

"I know since you and Valery have become friends, you've changed. She did that to you. I don't like her."

She looks at her son, who desperately blames the world for his vague reasons.

"Listen Farhad, every human being needs friend. This simple need was taken from me by your father. He was a jealous, suspicious, and possessive man, who used me and didn't let me to breathe. Things are different now. I feel lonely. I need a friend. My family are in Iran and half of them are dead. What do I supposed to do? Just go to work and wither to my bones until I die!" She is about to lose her control.

On the other hand, Farhad, who was pampered by his grandmother in Iran and by Hana here all his life, thinks as his grandmother was taken from him by death, he is about to lose his mother, too.

"You don't cook as often as you did before. If you have a day off, you want to be with Valery. She is just a whore. I hate her. Because of her you came home late last night. You've never done this before. It's all her fault."

Exasperated Hana gets up from the stole and walks to the living room. She can not believe that her son calls her friend a whore. She feels that there is no energy left in her neither to fight this battle nor withstand this part of her. She can not resist the pain to see her son becoming like his father. She conjures up the torture and agony of her marriage to Hamid for so long, when the simplest need of human being was taken away from her, when she could not even write her feelings in papers, as though talking to a friend in fear of Hamid finding them. If she gives in to unreasonable demand of her son, not only she will face a continuous misery for the rest of her life, she also, without speaking, agrees with him; and he eventually will become a hateful person like his father.

"I just can not believe that you call my friend a whore. This is not acceptable. When it is in your benefit, you're an American, and when it's not, you're a mean Iranian. It's all right for you to have friends, come home late, and bring a girl friend to our home to live with us which we know what happened; but it's not all right for me. Young men, your age, are supporting themselves and have a life. I don't know how long more you want to depend on me and make my life and yours miserable. All you do is going to work, if you feel like it, and come home and lie down in bed. You never help me financially. I think you're capable of cooking a dinner if I work hard once in a while. Tell me who are you, an Iranian, or American? And don't try to be manipulative."

Farhad looks at this impetuous woman and somehow he does not recognized her anymore.

"I'm an Iranian who lives in America." He stammers.

"Just hold on right there. An Iranian man never brings a girl friends to his parents' home. If you're still an Iranian, which I don't believe it, you're not allowed to bring girls here anymore. Is that clear?"

"This is my home, too. I can do anything I want."

"Wrong dear! This is my home. I pay the rent and as long as you live with me, you must obey my rules. you want to make my life miserable and I refuse to take it. I've had enough misery. You became an American Citizen. I didn't force you for it. Act like one."

"A lot of people become American Citizen, but doesn't mean to change identity." He tries to disarm his mother.

"I don't want you to change identity. I want you to act like a human being. You can have the best of the two cultures, not the ones that suit you. That is arrogant and selfish. You're becoming more like..." She stops. Her anger causes her to lose control.

"Why don't you finish your sentence. I'm like my father! Is that what you've wanted to say? You drove him crazy and caused him to die. You never were a mother when grandma was raising me. Where were you? Your stupid political actions caused her to..."

Mother and son are shocked by things they say to each other. Hana is so hurt by what her son just told her that she breaks into tears and while sobbing, she says:

'I can't... tolerate this... anymore." And she goes to her room.

There, she throws herself on the bed and cries for hours until the gloomy dawn glimmers the room, and then she falls asleep.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~}{~ 26- Agony

Valery likes Hana as a friend. In fact, Hana in her quiet manner has helped her to straighten her wild life. Watching Hana and talking to her like an older sister has made her to realized that there are other things in life besides giving in to transient desires. Hana with her elegant behavior has taught her virtue, a word described in dictionary, "Moral excellence or goodness". That is the reason she gave up her last boyfriend, with whom their relationship have been only about physical attraction, something she has never admitted before, even to herself. As hard as it is not to have someone to fill her desperate loneliness, she has come to realization that in past all her disastrous relations with men have been only for filling her physical need not for satisfying her spiritual hunger. In past, anytime she was with a man, she temporary felt love, a word has been used for ever by ordinary people, writers, poets, and in movies, paintings, music, and so on. She knows now, learning from Hana, that love in any shape must be combined by virtue, integrity, character, respect, and kindness. Valery likes Hana as a friend, for this little woman without acting, like her other friends and teachers, and even her close families, has taught her more than them.

In the park, while John plays, Hana finally tells Valery about the night before. She tells her about her confusion and uncertainty; and then confesses to Valery that she has not been with any man ever except her dead husband. How could she, coming from a culture that required virginity for women on their wedding night but not from men? Valery, perplexed, asks her:

"How can it be? If men are not virgin, means they got to be with a woman! This doesn't make sense. You say that women have to be virgin!"

Hana smiles. She understands her friend's confusion.

"There were some women who gave in to their desires; but then they never able to marry and had a normal life. They were rejected by the society; and most of them ended up as prostitutes. Those outcast women were cursed and there was no forgiveness for them. I know personally of some women who secretively used some doctors to sew them up. Those doctors were not your regular doctors. They charged a lot and they did abortion and sewing up the women."

Valery, who learned about the existence of a country, named Iran, after revolution, by American Media, and followed the news of hostages in Tehran intensely, has never thought that her best friend, one day, would be a woman from that country. She, like many others, hated Iranians and what their harsh government did which made her to believe that all Iranians are terrorists; nevertheless, in the last two and half years since she knew Hana and has become close to her, she has gradually changed her idea about Iranian people; and without taking any classes, she has learned more about the history of those people that she could possibly gain in any school. While the educational system of her country has ignored the cultural aspect of this ancient country, she becomes educated by Hana about Persian Poets, their literature and history, rather than terrorism. She comes to understanding to separate people and their culture from politics, corruption and power that comes with politics.

Even though Hana has taught Valery by her behavior to get out of the haunted confusion, now Valery notices Hana's fervid ambiguity in their honest and simple conversation. Thinking in exasperation, she wants to help Hana. After all she owes her a lot. "How can I help this inexperienced woman?" She thinks to herself. Her own life is a mass. She has a son out of marriage. She has had two abortions. She struggles just to survive and does not know any other way to take on the harshness of life.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~ 26- Agony

"You know Lila, you're right. I'm just naive; but you don't know how I felt when I was with Mario. I've never felt this way before."

"I know how you felt. I was there with you and that is why I am scared. You're not supposed to feel like this when you're with a man for the first time; even though it felt good, I might admit." Lila's words beats Hana's brain.

"I can't help how I feel!"

"Yes, you can. Just try. I'm not saying not to see him anymore. In fact I encourage you to do. What I'm saying is to enjoy your time with him but don't get serious; we know what happens when you get serious. Just have fun. Do things you've never done, but don't get serious. I know every time you get serious, you get hurt; and when you get hurt, I get hurt, too."

"You're right; but that's going to be hard for me. I didn't know how lonely I was until last night. I don't know what to do now! You're confusing me."

Confusion, indeed fills Hana's mind for the rest of the night. The morning after, a mild Sunday in October, bewildered Hana prepares breakfast for Farhad. She tries to escape her son's stare. She is afraid by looking at his eyes, he will find out how she feels and what happened the night before. When Farhad asks her about the party, she simply lies to him:

"It was fine."

"You came home very late!" Farhad says in a very inquisitive way.

"They were playing cards and I didn't have my car and had to wait for Valery and ..."

She can not believe her lying to Farhad. She, who has always taught her sons honesty, just broke her rule; and that brings her to actualization of last night's seriousness. When the phone rings, she reluctantly answers it. Amazingly she has forgotten that Sam always calls her on Sunday mornings. Recognizing that, makes her feel so guilty that she does not know how to deal with it. When Mario calls her in the afternoon, she is so confused that no words can describe it. He wants to see her that evening.

"Do you want to go to a movie tonight?" He says.

Hana, in a state of absolute vagueness, says:

"No, I don't know. I'm not sure."

Mario understands perfectly her confusion and state of mind.

"I understand, Hana. We do it some other time. I talk to you later."

Valery also feels Hana's anxiety when she calls her to satisfy her curiosity for last night. Hana can not say much since Farhad is all ears. He senses his mother's change of aura and her ambiguity. His feeling is hurt as though someone has broken into their lives. He is sure that his mother lied to him for last night. To him, mothers are only for their children and somehow he knows a vandalism has happened the night before which may rob his property, mom, from him.

Farhad has watched his mother for the last three years since the death of his father. She has gradually changed. First, it was her going to school which he could not understand why, with all the degrees she has already had; and then it was her friendship with Valery. As long as he remembers his mother never had a friend; and now she is going to parties and coming home late. He simply does not like what he sees. Something out there is stealing this little, dedicated woman, his mother, from him. When that evening Valery and her son, John come to their home, Farhad is indeed upset. He thinks what this woman wants from them, his mom. He makes himself to believe it is Valery who has caused his mom to change. In a very aloof way, he does not greet Valery and goes to his room which can not be hidden from either woman. But how can Hana discuss that matter with her son in Valery's presence? To Valery, she says that he is still upset for what Karen did to them. To escape that awkward situation, she agrees to go for a ride with Valery and her son. "I talk to Farhad tonight." She says it to herself.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 26- Agony

Dallas-

Clear without cloud, thoughts pass. They are born yesterday and drift today. They act, live, and grow within and slowly take control as Hana feels she no more needs to lead, grasp on, or float. Furthermore, the earnest wonder and fervor mixed with anguish of her visualized passion force onto her long injured soul adrift; and she believes, as she had heard somewhere, that heart does things for reasons; the reasons that can not be understood. The sweet and warm air of her room, remote from nature, constrains her of another night without sleep, even though this time is not painful insomnia, as it has always been, but a pleasant one. She remembers her conversation with Mario without words, their empathy without touch, and their sensibility without a joint past. When she was with him, she knew what he wanted to say. She loved his speaking eyes, his hands and the smell of his cigar.

For me, however, things are different. while Hana wants to take everything seriously, I want to enjoy the life as it comes to me, not drowning in it. Should I get pleasure in a man's company, it is not for relationship or a deep seeded understating, but it is for seizing the moment. When I look at my other- half, lying in bed with open eyes, dreaming and falling for a man, whom she has seen twice, one year apart, an anger shakes me. When is she going to grow up? Hasn't she had enough troubles because of her soft heart? Why can't she enjoy life without obligation? I see that she is dreaming a long, beautiful life with Mario; and I do not know how to teach her not to become tangled seriously in everything she faces. All I can do is to try to talk to her. First she ignores me and I know why. She does not want anything to interfere with the vision of the evening. That leaves me no choice but to push her around and make her to pay attention to me.

She angrily says:

"I know what you want! You asked me to go to the party and I did. Now that you see I like him, you don't like it. You feel like your comfort zone is disturbed. What do you want from me?"

I, astonished, look at her and do not believe how much she has changed since yesterday.

"Yes, I told you to go; but I didn't tell you to fall in love."

"I am not in love. I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't lie to me. I know you. We're one, remember. People don't fall in love right away. Love in first sight is a stupid phrase. Just enjoy seeing him for now, but don't fall."

Hana thinks about what Lila says. She analyzes her feeling and finds out that Lila is right. Her fragile personality has been her greatest enemy. Believing in people and trusting them right away has always cost her a life of misery; nonetheless, she thinks Mario is different. He will not use or abuse her. But how can she be so sure?

To Be Continued