Odyssey...{~} 25- Hesitation

"It was my daughter, Antonio. She is going to have a baby girl."

That phone call changes the subject and Mario talks about his daughter in Boston, who is expecting a baby. She married two years ago to a computer engineer and because of his job offer, they moved to Boston ever since. Hana discovers how much Mario was hurt by his daughter's moving, especially one year after his wife's death; and without speaking, she sympathized with him. She knows the pain since Sam has also moved away.

Soon when the dark blanket of late night covers the room and Valery finds her son asleep on the floor in front of television, everyone seems anxious to get back to their homes while Valery is trying to awaken her son. Robert and Kim leave first. John is finally awake and his growling reminds Hana of her sons when they were John's age. Mario Follows them outside and when they are ready to get into the car, he says:

"It's only eleven o'clock, Hana. Why don't you stay a little longer?"

Valery hugs her cousin and says:

"I have to go. John need to go to bed and he hates when I wake him up. I'm sure he is going to fall asleep in the car and I'll have to carry him inside my apartment. Hana can stay longer if she wants."

Hana is shocked by her friend's suggestion and looks at her in a very criticizing way, but because of absolute darkness, Valery can not see that look.

"Valery, you must be joking. I don't have my car. How do you want me to go home?"

Mario seizes the moment and rushes into the conversation of the two women:

"I take you home, Hana. Please stay longer."

"Mario is right, Hana. I must go because of John. Why don't you stay longer."

Hana feels a heavy bombardment that puts her in an awkward spot. She is torn between staying a little longer or leaving with Valery. The two cousins are impatiently waiting for her answer.

"I don't know. It's late. I must go."

"Tomorrow is Sunday. Just stay a little longer. I take you home whenever you ask me, please."

Hana looks at this lonely man, who is begging her company and to Valery, who is anxious to go home.

"All right, I stay a little longer!"

Valery and Mario smile and hug each other again. Mario whispers in Valery's ear while hugging her, "thank you,"; and then Valery leaves.

Walking back inside the house, Hana takes a last glance at Valery's car which disappears in the curve of the road. Somehow she feels to run after her car only to escape the strange sensation which is unfamiliar to her. Mario notices her averse diffidence, and before they go inside, he says:

"I am sorry I insisted you to stay. Let me take you to your home now."

Hana is astounded by this man's expressive insight. She has always thought that kind of sensitivity belongs only to women from her experience. He can not know her feelings at that moment in the dark unless being a very sensitive man.

"I'm surprised by your observation. Believe me it is nothing against you; it's... just I've never done this." She, shyly, says.

"You're not doing anything wrong, Hana. We both are lonely; and I believe we're different than others. That is why I'm interested in you. I can feel your pain."

Hana notices that he always calls her name and she has not even once done that. She listens to his true remark, and why they are going inside, she says:

"You always call my name, so much so that it is kind of I expect it from you. If we are face to face, why do you do that?"

Mario laughs very gently and then says: "I like the sound of your name. It is beautiful and easy for American to say. Who named you?"

"It is a long story." At this time they're inside.

"I like long stories." Mario responds.

"Can we sit outside in your patio. I like to watch the reflection of sky and stars in the lake."

"Sure, I thought about it myself."

Out there, when Hana finally breathes the fresh, breezy air, mixed with the smell of water and earth, she finally relaxes. Strangely she begins to feel safe as though she has known this man all her life.

"Would you like a drink?"

"How about coffee and brandy." Hana responds.

"Coffee and brandy! that is a strange mix! I had coffee with other liquors but not brandy."

"It is a long story."

Mario laughs again and goes inside to make fresh coffee while Hana watches his masculine body in tight silk shirt, and a khaki pants and brown shoes. Sitting out there, where the best of nature in the industrial city of Dallas soothes her; she is pleased that she stayed. She recognizes Mario as a man with energy combined with gentleness and virtue, yet reserved and intelligent. When he returns with two cups of coffee and a bottle of brandy in a tray, she believes that her decision to stay was a right one. For the first time she speaks in her speaking mind something she has never told herself: "I am a human being, too. I need to enjoy life."

Mario sits on a chair, and the two of them sip their coffee and brandy. Mario wanted Hana to pour the brandy in the coffee. They sip their coffee first in silence while observing the best of nature. He speaks with his eyes as the end of his cigar is inflated into a thick azure ash. Hana intensely watches his cigar and thinks if it falls, it will burn what is buried behind that soft silk. She loves the smell of his cigar mixed with a cologne he is wearing. She thinks if she had a chance to pick a man for her, it would be him. In the quietude of the night, they both watch the sky and a huge piece of cloud in whole in far horizon which looks clear and transparent. She has never felt this tranquil, while he feels likewise in that empathic moment.

"Do you want to tell me the long stories about your name and coffee and brandy." Mario turns towards her,

"Well, I am the first child of my parents. My grandfather from father side wanted to name me something he had picked from Koran; but my parents did not like that. So they talked with each other and chose Hana. My father goes to the court house and register my name as Hana. When he comes home, and my grandfather sees that it is not the name he asked them, my father simply says the clerk in the court house made a mistake and it is too late to do anything about it. So it Was Hana. For my brothers and sisters, that came after me, my grandfather was dead."

Mario laughs: "What a clever way. That is such a sweet story. I know in a lot of countries grand fathers from father side have a lot of power."

"I've noticed. You're a Renascence man. You know a lot."

Mario did not know if that was a compliment or criticize.

"What about the other long story? Coffee and Brandy."

"The first time I had it was with my uncle, Behroz, the one that is now dead. I told you he was my best friend. I wasn't even married then."

"What was the circumstances?" Mario asks.

"I don't think that I want to talk about it now, not yet."

As time flies quickly, they both get up at the same time and walk towards the lake. There, they stand next to each other to breathe and smell what has been robbed from them, freedom. Spontaneously Mario puts his hand on her shoulder. Although the touch of his hand trembles her, she does not resist or fight it and let the nature, her about to awaken nature, takes its course. He pulls her closer to him with his strong hand while Hana is melting by a sensation she has never known. It is like a warm shower in a cold day, when you feel every drop of that warm water inside of you. Strangely, she feels that she wants more of his touch; but how can she ask for it?

When they go back inside, their uproarious souls are satisfied by the empathic ambiance they had outside without doing anything but holding hands. The light of the room bothers their eyes since they have found peace in the darkness of nature. She realizes for the first time she has not been worried what Farhad will think of her coming home late. While they both want to be together the entire night, he recognizes that by asking that he will dishonor her trust.

"Do you want me to take you home now?"

Hana looks at her watch, it is one o'clock in the morning. As much as she wants to be with this man, she knows her unruly soul will torture her for it later.

"Yes, please. It's very late."

In front of Hana's apartment, they stay in the dark car for a few minutes without speaking while holding hands. Hana wants to stop the passing times, but can she?

"Thank you very much for the nice evening. I had a wonderful time."

"So did I. Can we see each other again?" Mario looks at her.

Suddenly the forgotten fear shivers her. She becomes aware of breaking her rule. "Never fall for another man." She thinks in exasperation to stop the ecstasy before it deepens.

"I don't know. I'm sacred."

"Me, too. But think about it. I never force you to do something you don't want to do. I like you a lot. You're different and intelligent, a combination that's hard to find."

His words are soothing, his manly attitude is gentle, and the smell of his cigar is enticing.

"We talk again." She says.

Mario gets out of the car and walks around it to open the door for her, but before he gets there, she opens the door and gets out. She is not used to a man opens the door for her. Mario embraces her gently and kisses her on the cheek while she is about to faint by the smell of his cigar.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...{} 25- Hesitation

Dallas-

When Hana and Valery arrive in Mario's home, Hana surprisingly finds out that his guests are only them and another couple. Mario welcomes them with a sweet smile. His house is located in north of Dallas; and his open back yard faces a man- made lake. A big, bright kitchen combined with a den, and a formal and casual living area enhance the beauty of this well constructed house. Everything there shows the tidiness of the person who lives there and the pride he has for his house.

Mario's other guests besides Valery and Hana are a married couple. Hana finds out later that Mario and Robert have been friends since high school and they have always kept their deep seeded friendship going even though sometimes in past some stormy situation might have caused the breakage of that beautiful friendship. However, the two faithful friends have never allowed any pity, little differences come between them.

At the dinner table, Robert vehemently talks about Mario's daughter, Antonio, whom he had held when she was born and had the honor of being her godfather. In exchange, Mario has been Robert's son's and daughter's godfather. The depth of their friendship reminds Hana of Behroz, her dead uncle, whom she felt more as a friend than an uncle.

Sitting there in silence and shyness, when she can not finish her food being afraid she is being watched, she introspects. However, old days are gone, old places are destroyed, and old friends do not exist anymore. She investigates her reason for accepting Mario's invitation. Was it for curiosity or for a lost feeling of being desirable, or may be for finding a new friend? Those obscure and mixed thoughts and feelings make her to lose her concentration, and she almost forgets that she is not at home, and she must act in a certain way as a guest. When she is asked her opinion about friendship by Mario, she is so confused that she hates to admit her lack of attentiveness; nonetheless, all those curious eyes are piercing her through for a respond which leaves her no choice but to be honest:

"I am sorry, I wasn't following your conversation."

While each person there empathized with this sad, mysterious woman, Mario comes to her rescue.

"We were talking about friendship. How do you feel about it? have you ever had a special friend in your life?"

Hana first looks at Mario, who is sitting across from her and then to others and see how much they expect her to talk.

"Yes, my uncle. He was my best friend. He was my only friend. We grew up together."

"Was! What do you mean by was? Is he not your friend anymore?" Kim, Robert's wife asks.

"He's dead." Hana says in a more dead voice than alive. A long silence ensues while everyone stops eating. Hana is so upset that she has caused that sad ambiance that she wishes to vanish, disappear, and vaporize. She realized that her permanent sorrow has to stay home if she wants to socialized. That confession to herself forces her to say something:

"I'm sorry that I cause you anguish. Please forgive me."

"Oh, it's perfectly all right. You didn't do anything wrong." Valery gently caresses her back.

Meanwhile others are very inquiring to know more about this Persian woman who speaks English with a beautiful accent, yet very correct and without mistake.

"My uncle and I grow up together and we became close when we were only children. We were very much alike, yet we had our difference, too. He gave up, I fought, he chose a solitary life, I married, he drew away from everything, I got involved, he is dead, and I am alive." She stops and looks around to see the four people around the table are all ears to hear some more while the computerized music of a video game John, Valery's son, is playing in another room, is the only sound.

"How did your uncle die? May I know?" Mario asks.

"I don't know. I was here when he died. They tell me it was an accident, but I never believe it."

Every one's chain of thought breaks at this moment when the phone rings. Mario, reluctantly, gets up to answer the phone and leaves his guests for a few minutes in their deadly silence. Hana overhears one word of Mario's conversation in the other room: "sweetheart,". When Mario comes back to the dining room, he has a pleasant smile on his face.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~25- Hesitation

Hana walked leisurely instead of walking up the M. street to T. Square and without knowing where the tour's next stop would be, soon she found herself in front of the branch office of the Ministry of Education. For the first time she noticed that the street and the building had not changed since her secret and only date with Saeid over sixteen years ago. She remembered that May day, as it was happening at that moment; when Saeid despondently had made her walk for hours. Retrospecting their desperate love, conversation, disappointment, and anger, gave Hana an ambiguous hesitation about life and purpose of it. The skeletonized trees without leaves became her awareness that for every beginning there was an end. When on that May day, two young, hopeless lovers had walked on that street, absorbed the fresh air, watched the exuberant green trees, had shaped like a green canopy in the middle of the street, and hoped for a future together, their youth had induced them that they had been above and beyond all the obstacles of their intolerable families and society. But how soon they both had realized their difficult climb to that goal! Saeid, who had not been able to cope with that excruciating reality, had ended his life, and traumatized Hana had married the worse man to punish herself for life.

The great anguish of being in a street that had buried all her hopes, made her to believe the cruelty and unfairness of life. That building became the graveyard of her career, as she remembered the day of her fleeing from it in that cold, snowy day, exactly one year ago, when she had been very close to get arrested. That street became her apprehension of all her lost hopes and dreams.

In the cemetery, she visited mom and dad, lying next to each other. Sitting on that frozen soil, the earth that had robbed two adorable people from her, who were her everything, she implored them for forgiveness and for the first time she told them how much she loved them and needed them. The auspices of her dead parents disturbed the last vestige of self worth that was left in her heart, but she confused it with an unexpected surge of stamina. Touching the earth, she cried peacefully and then she kissed that sacred soil: "I must go now. We're smuggling in a few days. I beg your angelic souls to watch over Farhad and Sam and me." She picked a fistful of earth and poured it into her glove to carry it with her where ever the destiny would take them.

She never knew where Saeid's grave was in that huge cemetery, and there was no way of her knowing it; nevertheless, she knew he was there, too. She rose from the earth and thirstily looked around that vast cemetery and tried to feel Saeid's presence. As she was walking aimlessly, a sudden shock trembled her when she saw Saeid, as he had always been to her. For the first time after his death, she saw him. For some strange and pure luck she had stumbled on his grave. He was not bloody or surrounded with fog, the way she had always dreamt about him; but he was whole and healthy looking. She extended her hand to touch him, but there was nothing to touch. They stood there looking at each other, and an electrifying thrill entered her body. However, she had enough time before Saeid dissipated in the mystified fog that was suddenly appearing to tell him:

"I've always loved you. Your love has remained in every cell of my body like a sweet dream. I beg your forgiveness, my darling. You ended your sweet life for me; but now you're in peace and tranquility and I am and have been in agony and torture. I'll promise my soul joins yours one day and we'll be together for ever."

All of the sudden, she felt a touch, a gentle one. It was his touch; and then the voice: "I got a better deal than you. I know about you, all of you."

Dallas

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 25- Hesitation

Tehran-

Everything outside the doors was illusory like a show, but that did not stop Hana of taking a last tour in the city which pushing people out. It was a few days before their ultimate journey. A cold January day where trees were skeletonized by glassy ice as though many little lights were hanging from them. For the last three weeks after selling the house Hana and her family were staying at her grandparents, waiting for the predestined day of an odyssey which no one knew how it would begin or end. She despondently needed to see Tehran, the city of lights, activities, heavy traffic, narrow alleys, huge trees, many markets, bazaars, the schools she had been a student or a teacher at, and above all the graveyards, where the good earth had enveloped mom, dad, and her first and only love, Saeid. She wanted to see Tehran for the last time alone, to observe what cruelty and politics, in the name of religion, and some Western Politician, had done to that adorable, ancient city.

Against her grandmother's desperate begging for not leaving the home, she left home early in the morning. That was something she had to do. Outside, where city was still sleep, she breathed the cold, impalpable air. A joyous shivering entered her body; nevertheless, when she noticed the ruined buildings, burned cars, and revolting mottoes on the walls, a loathsome wave of disgust replaced the transient bliss. How could they dishonor that heavenly city?

She walked for hours in the suburbs of Tehran, where her root and her ancestors had lived for centuries. She smelled the icy earth and frozen trees. She embraced the memories of all big and little places, narrow and wide streets, and T. Square with all the shops in it. Then in her disturbed vision, she remembered her old house in M. Street, the house which enveloped most of her childhood memories. She conjured up her room on the second floor, where in her childish mind the tallest tree in the world smilingly had always waved at her, and she had talked to the leaves and branches of that tree; and when she had impatiently waited behind the window in cold autumn days to see the tall figure walking down the street; and where the pleasant smell of mom's cooking entering her room through the crevice of door. Feeling extremely sad for all those past flashbacks, she began running down M. Street, as old days. In the mist of winter morning, she did not see the house, blaming her vision. She ran faster to see the house was demolished and the empty lot was full of debris. Startled, shocked, and bewildered, she stopped and looked around. How could someone do such a shameless act to that sacred house? Feeling numb and dry, she walked to the store, where she used to buy her school supplies. To her surprise, it was open at that time of the morning. The old man was dead, his son said, and it was him, who was running the store now. Hana, out of breath and flustered stopped in front of the counter. Her mind was blank and her tongue was so dry which made her unable to speak. The young man, after waiting a few minute, finally said:

"Can I help you? what do you want?"

His bass voice awakened her from that painful reality.

"What happened to that house?" She pointed with her hand towards the debris.

The young man walked towards the door of his store.

"Which one?"

Hana repeated her question while pointing.

"Oh, that! The owner wants to build an apartment building there for rent. Why do you ask?"

Hana's dry eyes finally flooded with tears and with a trembling voice, she said:

"I used to live there." And she left the store.

To Be Continued