Odyssey... {~} 21- Return

The return Hana had yearned for was full of unjust consequences. She was not surprised by that deep desertion in that darkness, when she had hopelessly tried to prove her non existent character by her activities. An unfathomable enthusiasm had given her an impetuosity in which she had found the courage to speak loud, and act brave. Now the result of her action was greater than her ability. Yes, this return was not pleasant after all. She had returned to a strange home, among unfamiliar people; and she felt as though every body looked at her as an enemy; an enemy no one could get rid of and everyone had to endure. She was that enemy. A few months later she wrote a poem about that sad return:

"The long journey I took,

Puzzled me for the meaning of return.

Like wondering for the message behind a painting or a book

When we are what we want to see or learn.

~

In my return, I was in cheer.

I was also filled with horror and pain.

The light was pure, yet cruel and near.

Trying madly to open the doors and remain."

~

While Gol's health was worsened, Sara faced more frequent attacks; and the medicine she needed could not be found in the capital of that ancient country, Hana felt hopeless ad helpless to do anything. That was not a surprise since the new regime had closed most doors to civilization and treaty with other countries. To those backward people, West was corrupt and any commerce with them was against Allah's will. Hamid was doing what he knew best, nothing and using others; while Hana suffered lack of money. She soon began sewing at home to help family's finance and combined with her mother's survival benefit, she barely was able to make it. After consulting with uncle Nabi and her grandparents, she decided to bring mother home from hospital since they really could not do much for her there anymore. She refused the Iranian style Nursing Home. She was home and she could take care of her mom. Between her own guilt and the existing situation, she felt distressed and puzzled. While missing school and teaching, she knew her action had been vain and futile.

Taking care of mother was not an easy thing. In her insanity, Gol had gained so much physical power that sometimes two strong men were needed to stop her of wrong doing. Most of the time grandma would come to help Hana in watching Gol. In one occasion, when Hana was answering the telephone, Gol climbed the stairs; and only a minute of Hana's neglect Caused her to fall. Gol broke her hip. It took a long time for her hip to heal; and she never was able to walk straight again. As much as Hana wanted to visit her sister, Sara, and her little girl, she knew that Hasan, her husband, would not allow it. Sara was not in hospital anymore. Her mother- in- law had moved with them to take care of her and her daughter. Mina, Hana's youngest sister, told her of Sara's situation.

Every night after Hamid's sick assault, Hana came to the first floor and slept in her mother's room. Her insomnia was aggrandized by the impact of obligation, misery, and above all guilt. When one Friday morning, late September, seven months after her return, Hana found her mother dead on her bed, she never knew what time her mother had taken her last breath, even though in the same room, she had been awake, hallucinating all night. As she had missed to hold her father's hand when he had passed away, she missed the exact time of her mother's passing too, while being awake and in a same room.

Her return was doleful.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {} 21- Return

"Is mom dead?" Hana's voice sounded as though coming from a bottom of an abyss.

"No, but she is not all together again; like the way after what happened to Van."

"Come on uncle Nabi, she is insane again!" She was desperate.

"Yes, she is insane again, worse than before. She had to be watched at all times. That left us no choice but to put her in hospital. In the last two weeks, my mother is taking care of your kids."

The three months of abandonment because of her stupid, yet righteous act for educating her students that had cost her job, perhaps her sister's incurable disease, and above all her mom's repeated insanity. How could she forgive herself for that morbid personality she was bound to carry forever? Everything she touched, became ash and stone; and every action she took, resulted disastrous, monstrous, and unnatural. How could she even be a good mother while she did not know good from bad herself?

At home, her sons' aloof behavior, as though they did not know who she was, did not surprise her. She had never been able to win them over; and now she was the cause of their favorite grandmother's insanity. The entire city looked different and strange to her. Now that the new regime was officially ruling, all women were wearing either kerchief down to to their forehead with long, loose clothes, or chador (a long piece of fabric from head to toe, normally black color). The instability, anger, and frustration of people were increased tremendously; and she, who had lived in a distant paradise for the last three months, had not been there to see how the history had changed, and how to get accustomed to changes as others did gradually.

After visiting with her unfriendly sons and concerned grandmother, uncle Nabi took her to the hospital where her mother in one section and her sister in another section were fighting their relentless, excruciating, and loathsome gnawing.

Gol even did not recognize her. Hana, haunted by horrified vision, held her mom's hand; but Gol surprisingly pulled her hand away from her and began laughing at her. She had lost so much weight that to Hana, she looked like a ghost. Hana's tearless eyes reminded her of a day, in the doctor's office, when her mother and she had been told of her father's terminal cancer. She had not been able to cry that day as she was not today.

In her sister's room, the situation was different. Sara had no attack that day which made her look normal. Her husband, Hasan, was there, too. They were keeping her in the hospital to determine what the cause of her attacks were. Hasan's mother, at home, was taking care of their little girl. They both gave Hana not a welcoming look; and their cold, indifferent attitude proved even more to Hana of them blaming her for everything.

That evening at home, Hamid attended the homecoming of his wife. Mina and Boby and their families were there. Even though Hana did not feel socializing, she pretended she did. Late that night in their bedroom, Hamid questioned her roughly of her hiding place and Hana bluntly said:

"I can't tell you." She had promised her uncle and there was no way she would break her vow.

Angry Hamid accused her of so many loathsome disgrace that Hana felt to run away from that house and disappear forever. When finally the vulgar, exasperated Hamid got tired of screaming without getting any response, he forcefully and violently assaulted her. She did not cry of pain, as she always did, since a greater bitterness had already filled her with pain and agony. She just wanted to have that sick sex over with.

To Be continued

Odyssey... ~~ 21- Return

Tehran-

Hana was grateful for that strange twist of life. Should she not learn from the seriousness of life and the hardship of separation; therefore, all was a futile agony with no acquired learning. As nature was changed from winter to spring in her secretive absence, she was also changed from an stubborn impetuousness to a cautious conservative. Her chain of thoughts, while uncle Nabi was driving her home, however, did not stop her of absorbing the beautiful change of nature, where the skeletonized, icy trees had turned to pale green with small leaves and the moderate breeze through the open window of the car gave life to each and every cell of her body. Oh, nature, something that no regime could touch or change, how they would follow the order that the Creator had made them! As much as she wanted to reach home quickly, she yearned to stop that moment somehow to assimilate the breezy nature, the aromatic perfume of freshness, and the colorful blooms of trees and flowers. Being surprised of her desire, she learned fast how scared she was to face home, her children, mother, and Hamid. Uncle Nabi's silence brought her the realization of her wrong judgment for so long towards him. While Behroz, the youngest of her grandparents' three children, had always been her favorite relative and best friend, she had always thought of uncle Nabi, older than Behroz, and younger than her mom, as a greedy, selfish, and self- centered man. In that ordeal, he had proved himself otherwise; and now by his silence, she knew that he understood her empathic, unique ardor for nature. Ironically, when they were only ten minutes away from home, he finally broke his silence:

"I must tell you things so you don't get shocked when we get home!"

Suddenly her heart began pounding.

"What is it? Is mom okay?"

"Let me start with Hamid first. He didn't spend much time at home while you were gone. He was just going there to change clothes or pick up things once in a while."

"Where was he, then?" Hana asked curiously.

"God only knows. You know him; perhaps in a prostitute's home, or I don't know or care."

Hana always liked uncle Nabi's straight forward answers. He never hid anything except his second wife, Ziba and his son, Mehran. Others always lied or hid things to protect themselves.

"Where did he get the money?"

"Your mom found out that he stole all your jewelry and sold them."

Hana sighed. If that is all he had done, she really did not care; as long as her mom and children were not harmed.

"What else uncle Nabi? It seems there is a list of events while I was gone!"

"Sara's baby was born dead; and she went to coma while bleeding badly."

"What happened?" Hana shook all over to hear about her sister's misery.

"She came out of coma, but now she faints frequently with convulsive contraction and loses her consciousness. Doctors think she has epilepsy."

After the birth of her daughter four years ago, doctors had told Sara many times that it was dangerous for her to have more babies; but her husband wanted a boy and she tried and tried and always had miscarriages. This one was her fifth pregnancy while she had to rest the entire time. She always lost them around month four; but on this one, when she passed four months and nothing happened, she was so happy and yet fearful at the same time. She willingly stayed in bed without complaining. She had been in Hana's home so Gol could take care of her and her daughter. Suddenly Hana felt the possibility that her crisis might have an effect in her sister's disastrous ordeal.

"Was she still in my home while I was gone?" Crying Hana asked.

"No, her husband took her home. He thought the turmoil in your home wouldn't help Sara's condition. Besides, you know how much her husband hates you." Again one of uncle Nabi's straight forward talking.

"Then, who was taking care of her and her daughter?"

"Well, when her husband was home, he did. Gol went there once a day after taking your children to school and stayed with her until the time that she had to go pick up your kids from school; by then, her husband has returned home from work."

Hana instinctively knew that her ordeal got to have an impact on Sara, having a still born child. Coming to that conclusion brought her to a hysterical cry which made uncle Nabi to pull over and stop the car.

"Listen Hana, you must be strong. You must control yourself. I know how tough you are. Stay that way. That is the only way you can survive by being tough." Then he hugged her niece gently and affectionately.

"I have more to tell you."

She knew that he had reserved the worst news for the last.

"Tell me uncle Nabi; I can handle it."

Nabi went to a deep thinking; and Hana could see by his face expression that this last news must be unendurable. After a long silence, he finally said:

"Your mother..." And he stopped.

"What about her? tell me!" She grabbed his hand while the flood of tears blinded her to see his deplorable face.

"Well you know how weak and fragile she is. You know what happened to her after Van's execution. She just can't handle trauma. While your well being was under question and she was worried to death for you and had the responsibility of taking care of your kids, that startling misfortune happened to Sara, Hamid stole your jewelry, and then Sara's husband blamed you for everything; she just couldn't take it anymore."

Hana remembered she had not spoken to her mom for two weeks. It was grandma on their appointed day for the phone conversation. When she had questioned grandma that where her mom was, she had simply said:

"Sara had a baby girl again and your mom is staying with her for a while; and I'm taking care of your kids."

Not only that Hana had believed her grandma, she had not even thought for a second that Sara was not due for another month and half. How ignorant and self involved she had been not to know any better! While she did not want to hear the last and the worst news from her uncle, she was impatiently waiting for it.

"Is mom dead?"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 21- Return

Dallas-

Dazzled by so many marvelous colors of nature, changing from one place to another, the ring of phone appears like a sharp knife tearing Hana's throat. Reluctantly, she walks away from window and to the phone.

"Yes,"

The unfamiliar voice on the other side is what Hana did not expect. Farhad and Sam, who have been waken by the phone, come to the living room with their underwear and look at their mother. She is standing there stupefied and they can say by her shaking hand, holding the phone, the call must be a bad news.

"What is it, mom?" Farhad asks.

Hana tells the man on the other side:

"Please talk to my son, Tell him the address."

While she falls on the sofa by the shock of what she has heard, Farhad writes the address on a piece of paper, he tears from his mother's poetry book, the same page she wrote" Those Days" earlier that morning.

The accident happened the night before on highway 20, where Hamid behind the wheel was fallen asleep. He has only thirty miles to reach Dallas and home, where he has planned to set the apartment on fire and kill his wife and sons. The bottle of vodka in the car was empty; and the impact of driving intoxicated, while being furious, made him to break every traffic law. In his vindictive mind he was going home to retaliate. In an exasperated moment, not being aware of his state of mind and totally drunk, he fell asleep. He hit a big truck parked on the shoulder. The impact of accident, with the speed close to hundred miles, threw him out through the front windshield. He was not wearing his seat belt.

Mother and sons get to that local hospital an hour and half after the phone call. There, they find out that Hamid is still in the operation room; and no one can give them any indication about his situation. When around noon, the doctor finally sees them, Hana is told the bad news. Every bone in his body is broken. He has head injury, broken spine, and internal bleeding. He is still alive but the doctor thinks saving him requires a miracle.

When Hana and her sons see Hamid, he looks like an Egyptian Mummy. His closed eyes are the only part of his body without wrapping. Hana thinks about her last night dream and she remembers her wish- his death. Three hours later, her wish, that now is like a weight on her shoulders, comes through. Hamid dies. But is this what really she wished for?

While her sons take over all the legal matters and burial, in a stage of insanity, Hana hallucinates and ponders over an abyss of guilt and repentance. She feels responsible for his death; as she did ten years earlier for the loss of a dear soul. Without speaking, her sons understand her state of mind and try to convince her otherwise. To answer their repeated statement that he did it to himself, Hana says:

"I threw him out."

"Mom, this ought to happen one way or the other. He was always drunk when he was driving. It is not our fault. Take us out of your guilt. We don't feel guilty. We encouraged you to get rid of him and we don't feel guilty. Did you hear what the police say about the three gallons of gasoline in his car? What do you think he had those for?" Farhad, frustrated, says.

"I don't care if he is dead. He wasn't a dad. He was coming to set us all in fire." Sam angrily agrees with his brother.

But none of those words can ease Hana's greatest pain, losing a man whom she adopted as a child, took care of him, fed him, and put up with him. She learns in astonishment that Hamid for her was an unruly child not an indecent husband; and as one can not divorce a child, she, too, could not break from this hideous part of her. Lost in loss, she brings Hamid clothes and everything else he had and scatters them in the middle of the room. When she finds obscene pictures of him and naked women, she is not surprised. Her sons for the first time see tangible evidence of their father's immoralities which make them feel better since deep down inside, they feel responsible for his death, too.

Two weeks later, when Hana goes back to work, she is a new person, a new woman with determination to make it here in America; and the first thing she wants to do is to become American Citizen. Changing identity and nationality may change her state of being. She also promises herself to not let her sons suffer anymore.

Logically she takes control of their lives and changes her behavior, but emotionally when she is alone, she grieves for an unknown anguish. The excruciating pain she endures, comes in waves and from the deepest part of her heart and she is not sure what causes that agony. Is it because she feels guilty or misses Hamid, or maybe is a regretful grief for her lost years? She does not know!

Eight months after Hamid's death, the three of them become American Citizen. It is an emotional day for all three of them. While they stand in the court room along side many others, with her right hand on her heart, she swears the "Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag", her heart pounds, her knee shake, and she knows by doing this, she will not be a woman without country anymore. Now she can raise her head proudly and say: "I am an American." However a strange mixed emotion captures her soul. The ambiance to her is like returning home after a long journey.

"The spiral roads came to an end at last.

Dusty of journey, I reached the missing side.

My thirsty, penetrating eyes cast;

Before my steps could even decide.

~

The boiling city was in the heat of mid day.

The bleak alley was ablaze in fever of sun.

I staggered with my weak feet on the pavement of clay.

The hello was dying on my lips, it was gone.

~

The stream was dried, like a blind eye,

Empty of water and any breeze.

A singing man was passing by.

His lyric song filled my ears with ease.

~

The old ivy was waving on the wall;

Like a shaky stream strived to ooze.

The bushy leaves of ivy missed fall.

It was the green of oldness, the dust of time, and abuse.

~

I paused to hear a welcome news;

A soft, gentle, hello it wouldn't break;

My glassy, thin solitude with abuse,

In the darkness of rushing doubt and ache."

~

In ambiguity, she remembers another home coming, many years earlier, when she reunited with her family after three months of banishment.

Tehran-

To Be Continued