Odyssey... {}} 16- Different Paths

Hana believed that Nader was intelligent enough to be the head of her group; nevertheless, it was his shyness or silence that deceived the professor to choose a woman, Hana, over a man, Nader. In their enthusiastic discussion about any subject of the course, Nader always listened and seldom spoke. However, when they turned their papers in, he and Hana always had the best grades. Their was a difference between their debates for that course and the discourse she had had with her four young friends many years earlier. Then, those people, who had turned their back to the society and to some extent to their families, had found a sense of being, comfort, and acceptance among each other; and they had freely been able to discharge all their unresolved angers and emotions in that little room while believing they could change society, culture, and even the government to some degree. Now in this classroom, where life had shown its strange twist to everyone of those seven men and one woman, Hana, the systematic contest of their argument evolved only around the material of the course; therefore, their heated disputation was mostly analyzing the attitude, reason, style, and philosophy of the poets and writers, who had lived and died centuries ago. They, as students, had to discover what the poet had meant of saying certain word in a certain way; and they were expected to know it in a graduate level. That mental game for some was a torture and for a few was a bliss. Hana had always loved to challenge her brain in order to be number one. She had been this way at six years old and first grade, and had not changed ever since. But that study was not only a confrontation with her mental power but it was also a battle with her inner self.

She was falling in love with Nader, just in a same quiet way that had happened with Saeid. Without speaking, as she had known Saeid's feeling for her, she knew Nader's too. Frightened of her wild feeling, she feared for her dignity, honesty, loyalty, and may other restrictions which were made only for women, married or unmarried. However, that overwhelming, powerful, and blossoming love within her made her to believe that disloyalty in special cases was all right. She had never loved her husband. She just wanted to take care of him as mothers do their children. She knew that her feeling for Hamid was sick. She married him only because he had pretended that he would kill himself if they did not marry. She had never enjoyed closeness with him. In fact, their intimacy was nothing to her but torture. The only thing she could think about their relationship as a husband and wife to her was that she was stuck; as her mom had told her. This new feeling had never before entered her body so it had to be love. Her love to Saeid had been a real one, but then she had been only a teenager. Now at twenty seven, things were different. She suddenly felt how much she needed a man, a loving, gentle man. But what if Nader was not what he appeared to be, what if he was another evil. Her silent debate over this new overpowering emotion caused her the strangest behavior in her life. While she was at work, college, or home, she was not in any of those places.

Riding in the bus, going home every evening, she tried to bring Lila, her other- half, back to life even though she had pushed her away for so long. She really could use her advice this time. It took her a while to bring Lila out of her shell, since Lila's feeling was hurt of the long ignorance. Finally when Hana succeeded, Lila's attitude began to agonize her. To answer Hana's question for all the uncertainties, Lila said:

"Go for it, Hamid does it, you can do it,too. Let's have some fun."

Was that all about fun? When finally Lila realized Hana's seriousness, yet ambiguity, she said:

"I know you. If you do anything, guilt is going to kill you. If some one finds out, you're dead."

How right Lila was. She knew Hana better than anyone in the world. On the other hand, what could she do with all those feelings? For how long she had to suppress all her emotions because she was a woman, an Iranian woman!

Few days later, when she was drinking tea in the cafeteria, Nader walked to her only for one reason. He had to tell Hana how he felt for her, and he did, as Saeid had done under the tree near the Ministry of Education Building. Hana looked through the mist of her eyes to this young, shy man. His hair in front was thinning, and his thick glasses did not make him anymore attractive. She sighed and lost, dried tears for so long, found a way to flow.

"I'm married."

"I know."

"I have two sons."

"I know."

"What do you want from me?" Hana babbled.

"I love you. There is no need to interfere with your marriage or children. We can give each other comfort, tranquillity. I'm married, too."

"I have reasons not to love my husband, what is your reason not loving your wife?"

"I don't hate my wife. She is a very nice woman, a simple woman; but I didn't choose her. I never loved her the way a man and woman supposed to love each other."

Hana stayed quiet for awhile to digest the misery of other people's lives. She had always thought that only women were victims but now she was proven otherwise.

"What you're saying is so hard for me to understand. I can't live with myself if I do such a thing." Hana stammered.

"Yes, you can. There are many people that have secret lives, I mean women. Men have always done it and believe me many women do it, too. Take my word for it."

It was an instant proposal with obligation. Hana was tempted beyond belief.

Their visit in the cafeteria repeated again while Hana falling more to the adventure of infidelity. However, her unbelievable fear of being caught, stopped her of pursuing the proposal any further than just a normal visit in the cafeteria and in the class. She, who had always boasted about honesty and virtue, did not want people think of her otherwise. The opinion of people was so important to her that she used to be nice when she did not want to just to here praises like, "oh, what a nice girl she is. I wish my daughter was like her". However the sabotaging feeling for Nader was becoming equal to everything else she had so far believed in.

Would she go for it?

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~16- Different Paths

Tehran-

Working very hard to balance her life, Hana practically had no time left to participate in any social gathering among relatives or even to make friends. Her daily routine, from morning to evening, from work to college, from taking care of the house chores to finding time for her children, would stay the same for another three years when she would finish her graduate study. In her busy, yet solitary life, she drew back more and more from people while being among them. Hamid, in his kind of busy life, did not care his wife's emotional disappearance. For him, she was there, food and comfort were there; and of course sex was there and elsewhere. He loved to travel; and it was always, as he noted, with his male friends. Even then, Hana knew his sadistic unfaithfulness, for she had seen many signs of them. Torn between saving her children and herself by throwing out that morbid man, or ignoring him as though he did not exist; she relearned firstly that women could not divorce their husbands but it was them to divorce their wives, and secondly no matter who the main reliable provider and care taker was, the men had the legal custody of the children. When Gol, her mother, fervidly explained the law of divorce to her daughter, mostly it was not for educating Hana, but it was for her own fear of losing her grandchildren. Hana's logical argument, the way she had known as a teacher, did not soften Gol's adamant viewpoint.

"Listen, honey, I'm telling you, he's not going to give you the children!"

"But mom, he can't even support himself. He's never hold a job more than three months. This is insane. He doesn't even have a home."

"I know. I understand your disgust, but that is the way it is. We're not living in America. This is Iran. Women are nobody!"

"That is not right, mom. How is he going to take care of the kids?"

"Sweet heart, nobody can change the system. Out of spite, he'll take the kids. He is getting a free ride here and he doesn't want to change that. The only way that you can have your kids is to stay married to him, or he wants to give them to you voluntarily. Even then, he has the full custody. He can come back any day and take them from you."

"But this is wrong, wrong..." Hana was completely outraged.

"I know. We're victims; and one more thing, if court sees him an unfit father, they give the kids to his parents not you!"

"What if a man does not have parents; or the parents don't want the responsibility?"

"Then it is his grandparents, uncle, brother, some one from his side of family."

"Mom, I talk to him. Maybe he agrees to give me the children!"

"He won't sweet heart. He uses them to hurt you. For the last seven years, he's lived here and done everything he wanted. He's not going to give up all these, he won't. Believe me, I'm more upset than you. I feel terrible for you; but do you want to lose your kids?"

Hana pondered over that conversation for many days. She knew Hamid very well; and she was convinced he would not want the children; as she was sure his parents would not want them either; however, knowing the spiteful personality of him made her so frightened that she decided to stay with plan two, ignore him. Ironically one of her mother's words kept echoing in her mind: "We're not living in America!" She temporary pushed that tempting thought aside to finish her school, her only weapon against men like Hamid.

She loved school, either as teacher or student; and she had both of them. In one of her toughest courses, the professor teamed up the students according to their intelligence; and Hana was the head of one of them. In her group, there was this young man, silent, polite, and very much into himself. Somehow he reminded her of Saeid, even though he was not tall and bony as Saeid was. In his presence, Hana would draw back to old days, when they had that "Secret Society", and the four boys and she had vehemently discussed the important issues and had believed they could change the society. From those five intelligent but naive people, so much in need for love and acceptance, Saeid had committed suicide, Behroz, her uncle, had chosen a profound and isolated life which no one could enter through it, and the other two boys had disappeared somewhere, and Hana, the only girl, was caught into a sickly net of nihilism.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 16- Different Paths

Dallas-

Another fourth of July reinforces how terribly Hana misses her father. She tries to calculate her father's age if he was alive. She sighs desperately, "Sixty". In these two entirely different cultures that she lives in one and relives the other, the perspective of age, like many other things, is so different that she can not understand why people who are created equally, must think and act so unlikely. While sixty is old for an Iranian man and even more so for an Iranian woman, in America Hana has not met a sixty years old person who thinks he is old.

She misses visiting her father's grave, as she had done every fourth of July, his birthday, when she lived in Iran. While she longs the feel of touching the earth on his grave, she puts his picture on the table to give her that sensible fervor. Within years, she had talked a lot about her dad to her sons; and they, who have never seen their grandfather, know him so well as though they had the pleasure of having him around.

Unlike her father, Hamid's obscene character has left no place for anyone to miss him including his sons. A sense of relaxation and tranquility have filled Hana and her sons in the past few days. Hamid was gone when Hana came home from work three days ago. Knowing his habit, Hana did not show any concern at first; however, when two days passed, she became worried. When she discussed the matter with her sons, they laughed at her.

"Mom, how many times he is done this? Remember he went to Mexico last year without telling us! Probably he is drunk with a prostitute or traveling with your credit cards." Farhad, annoyed, says.

How correct he was because that evening Hamid called from Montreal, Canada. Of course, this is not the first time he had taken off without telling his family. In last seven years, living in Dallas, Hamid gone to Mexico, New Orleans, New York, and even one time to Europe. In each occasion, Hana's debt on her credit cards maximized to an unmanageable level. Now, she is not sure how she can survive the financial abyss.

Hamid's tone of voice on the phone tells enough that how drunk he is. While he is bragging about beautiful places and good times, Hana's anger is about to suffocate her. Remembering their plan, she feels this is the best time. She can not possibly tell him on his face what her sons and she have decided.

"Hamid, stop talking for a minute. I must tell you something!"

Hana's unusual tone trembles Hamid; nevertheless, he says:

"I don't have time now. I must go. I don't have enough change for the phone."

"Stop the nonsense. You're calling collect. We can talk as long as I want."

"What is it that you have to tell me now. I'll be back in couple of days and ..."

"No, you won't be back, not to this house, my home. We don't want you. Stay where you are, go where you want, but not here, not ever..." She does not believe herself. Her sons, who are listening to the conversation since the phone is on the speaker, look at her astoundingly and their amiable smile encourages her.

"What do you mean? What is wrong with you? What..."

"Nothing is wrong with me. We want you out of our lives, do you understand? We want to divorce you!"

"Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? You're nothing without me. You can't survive in America without me! You're sabotaging my children's mind. You..." Hamid's using reverse psychology does not frighten Hana for the first time.

"Whether or not I survive without you is my business; and besides I think you're the one that can't survive without us. You don't have the guts to work and support yourself. You're the one is dead without me, us; and I'm not sabotaging my sons' mind. Actually it is them that finally made me to understand that we're living a sick life with you." She is finally proud of herself to tell him things that she has never been able to say.

"This is insane. I'm not going to let you keep the children." He sounds desperate.

Hana bursts into a hysterical laughter:

"They're not children anymore; and besides here is not Iran. Law here protects women. A twenty one and seventeen years old can decide for themselves. You can't do anything. We don't want you back. If you pull any of your violent tricks, we'll call the police."

Suddenly Hamid realizes how serious this tiny woman is, who has supported and put up with him all these years. He shudders of an unexpected exasperation and remembers his old tricks, like the one that made Hana to marry him.

"Oh, honey, I know you're angry because I didn't tell you about my trip. I'm sorry; I'll make it up to you when I come back. My car has a little problem. As soon as it's fixed, I'll be back. I promise." It is so strange how he can change his tone of voice to serve him.

"Don't pull these dirty tricks on me; and that is not your car. It's mine because I pay for it not you; and I don't want you back."

"Oh, Hana, listen, I love you. You know I love you. I love the kids. Don't do this. I never..."

Hana interrupts him before his words, as they had done before, softens and weakens her:

"The conversation is over. You know I pay the telephone bill, not you; and by the way, I don't love you." She hangs up the phone.

While Farhad and Sam celebrating the future outcome of their parents' conversation, they heard on the speaker phone, Hana discerns Hamid's loathsome bluff for all the years they have been together. She desperately understands that her immeasurable fear for the last twenty two years from his psychic husband has been for no reason. She could have freed herself from this sick relation many years earlier.

Tehran-

To Be Continued