Odyssey... }{15- Birth

Dallas-

"What have you decide, mom?" Sam opens the chain that was holding three of them together, while Hana was conjuring up. She steps back enough to see her sons tall again.

"We get rid of your dad no matter what!"

Three of them smile while embracing each other.

Tehran-

Gol, who had gained back her sanity after the birth of her grandson, amazed everybody including all the doctors who has tried to save her mental health from the demon that had taken possession of it. She was herself again, the way her family had known her. Her return to sanity made the house a loving, comfortable place to live in and in took a heavy load off Hana's shoulder. Hana's plan was to ask grandma to take care of her baby when she was not home. Now she was a little reluctant at beginning to leave her son alone with her mom; therefore, she asked grandma to check on them while she was at work or college. But very soon she realized that her mother was cured completely. Farhad was her unfounded medicine, cure, sense of existence, and her lost son. The way Gol cared for Farhad, as though he was her own son, was perhaps much better than any mother could do. Gol watched him to grow, speak his first baby talk, crawl, walk, and play. Farhad, in return recognized her as his number one mother and Hana as his number two. When he began talking, he called Gol, mom one and Hana mom two. Even though Hana was envious to the fact that her son loved her mother more than her, she was grateful that he was being brought up by her mother, who was giving him unconditional love and introducing him to the world in a gentle, loving manner.

Hana never spoke a word about the incident of seeing her sister in bed with her husband to any one; nevertheless, a week later, after giving birth, she forced her sister to go to a doctor with her. Sara's argument that nothing had happened was not good enough. Hana wanted to make sure that Sara had not lost her virginity since that would be a big shame and disgrace and no one would marry a non virgin girl. When Hana learned that her sister was still a virgin, she sighed of relief. She refused to hear Sara's side of story about that inauspicious day. After a year and half being married to Hamid, she knew her indecent husband very well. She did not need any explanation from her sister.

Sara married to a distant cousin a year later. She never cared for school. Her leaving home removed a big burden off Hana's shoulder for the fear of another disgrace. Boby, who had finished high school, decided not to try for konkor to get in college. He began working for Uncle Nabi in one of his stores; and Mina, who was at tenth grade, became closer to Hana and mother and gradually became mom three for Farhad. Hamid occasionally worked but none of the jobs lasted over two or three months. He was not hiding anymore his drinking; and from time to time Hana knew about his unfaithfulness and use of opium. Amazing Gol was cured and acted like a mother again towards her children; nonetheless, her greatest love was not for her children or her dead husband and son, but for her grandson, Farhad.

When in the evening Hana wanted to have a share of that cute, little boy that she had given birth to, by trying him to sleep with her, Gol would frown with a drop or two of tears on her cheeks while holding Farhad close to her bosom with his hands clasped behind her neck. Knowing her mother's unrivaled greatness, care, and love for Farhad, mostly stopped Hana of pursuing the matter any further; however, her feeling of motherhood was despondently provoked which increased her depression and sense of being. What made Hana to think about having another child was not her mother's possessiveness for her son, but Farhad's incredible love for her mother and his indifference towards her.

Occasionally that Gol went to Sara's home, Hana had a chance to be with her son alone; but all that time was spent by Farhad's crying and wanting mom one. Hana, who had given all her loyalty, love, and support as long as she remembered to everyone, was so disappointed that she came to believe that there was no meaning for life anymore. She felt betrayed by every one, whom she had been so generous to. She even felt the same towards her son. Nobody was there to tell her "stop, not your child. You brought her to this world and handed him to your mother and now expect that every time you say come to me, he would just run. It doesn't work that way."

Farhad was four year old when Hana's second son, Sam was born. Gol, right away fell in love with this second grandson and took over taking care of him. Hana's busy schedule caused the story to be repeated; and very soon she realized that Sam had become another Farhad. Nonetheless, one thing gave her a gloomy pleasure and that was graduating from college with a bachelor degree in literature which enabled her a better teaching position and more income.

Torn between desperate envy and completing her education, Hana finally came to the conclusion that without her mother's help, she could not possibly go to college and work at the same time. This realization relieved her of the sad predicament; and she decided to enroll for the master degree. When she discussed her intent with her mother, Gol supported and encouraged her. On the other hand, one would think how Hamid, a male chauvinist, allowed Hana to stay in college! Hamid, with his selfish, manipulative personality, did not care what other people in that house did. He was contended as long as he had his spending money, food, and sex. He did not want to be bothered with problems like children, bills, shopping, and giving a helping hand at all. He knew Hana could make more money with higher education, which he could use; and he was sure those degrees could not turn her against him since he was an expert to frighten his family and threaten them to a degree that they were even afraid of his shadow.

When Farhad reached kindergarten age, things took an unexpected turn. The cute, chubby boy, with his jean pants, tee shirt with his name embroidered on it, did not cry hysterically when Hana, mom two, took him to school every morning. Hana, astonished, watched her son thoughtfully. Even though, she had suffered so much her son's rejection at earlier years, Had

missed his baby face, talk, and body, now she blissfully discovered their sudden, mysterious connection; and prayed to enjoy it while she had it.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~15- Birth

Twisting of excruciating pain, she refused Hamid'a hand and while tears of a greater pain were coming down her face, she wished she had never married or got pregnant. Hamid moved closer and put his arm around her and she realized in order to stop him, she had to jump of the taxi. His inarticulate talk seemed like a heavy hammer striking her head.

"Oh, come on Hana. Please forgive me; it was not me, it was Sara. She was messing with me for a long time. Today she didn't go to school. She said she was sick. She came to our room while I was asleep..."

Hana, who could not stand another word, suddenly screamed which made the driver to drive faster while blowing the horn.

When finally in the hospital, very exhausted of spasmodic labor and bitter anguish, she was taken to the delivery room. She closed her eyes and imagined all her lost dreams. In that world of confusion, and rush, she was hearing unclear words and was trying to comprehend them. She understood that something was not right. She was ten days early, her water was broken a while back, doctor could not hear the baby's pulse, and she had no contraction anymore. She let her immobilized body to be carried and tossed, while her defensive volition was annihilating ; nevertheless, she had enough sense to grab the sheet and put it between her clenching teeth in that last glassy solitude. She thought: "I can never reach the sun rays as my dad did."

After inducing her for the rest of the day and then the entire night, in the morning they hastily took her back to the delivery room. The unendurable pain did not make her cry or scream, but to make a fist and run his nails into the palm of her hands. She stubbornly refused to do things they seemed normal at such time; and like everything else that she had done differently in her life, she bravely tried to act unlike other women at the similar situation. However, she shared only one special feeling with most mothers to be; she wanted her mother there with her. In that deadly moment, while the endless pain was taking the last of her amazingly boundless energy, she yearned for her mother's presence, the way she wanted to remember her, sane. She refused to have Hamid in the room with her, while when she was in the holding area, she had no choice. She vaguely remembered that her grandparents, her aunt and Behroz had come to see her the night before. She was happy to see them, but still she wanted her mother.

At five in the morning, when finally her bravery melted away by the last wave of the exhausting pain, and her scream was mixed by the melodious cry of a baby boy, she lastly relaxed her body from the long lassitude. In that moment of hallucination, caught between twilight and actuality, her entire entity changed vigorously. She looked at the bald, bloody, sticky, and wet baby on her wrinkled, empty stomach, who moved like a worm, and an unfamiliar sensation shook her. It was like a brand new sentiment, something beyond and above everything she knew. Surprisingly, a greater feeling brought a peculiar smile to her face- she was falling in love all over again with her mother. But when she remembered her insane mom in her solitary room, her smile changed and the furrow between her eyebrows deepened and tears began swimming in her eyes. For the first time, she understood why her mother lost her sanity.

Dallas-

Hana's immeasurable love for her sons becomes clear in the shadowy dusk of her mind after retrospection and reliving those expressive moments of her life. The sudden light gives her the answer she has searched for, and for the first time she knows exactly what her next step will be. She can not wait for her sons' return home because a subliminal fear horrifies her for changing her mind. She shudders with an astonishing impatience that time is not passing but turning backwards. Now that the greatest test in her life is about to come to conclusion, she shivers to stop her brain of thinking, so no other strong emotion can destroy this ultimate one.

When Farhad and Sam finally come home, she is so exhausted that she needs a strong support to motivated her to speak. Her sons can easily recognize their mother's despairing attempt and they decide to discover it in a gentle way.

"Mom, it seems that you have an answer for us." Farhad says while holding her hand.

She stares at these two tall, young, handsome, and strong men and remembers them as two needy babies, who could die without her. Their need now is a different type; and it seems to her that hey have changed places with her, as she did with her mother. The missing smile slowly brightens her face and while trying to hug them, she remembers her mother when for the first time she saw Farhad.

Tehran-

Farhad was three days old and looked so much like Hana's dad. Hana took her to her mother's room while she was frightened to let her hold her son. The insane woman looked at her first grandchild; and Hana noticed that her frenzied eyes changed unexpectedly to the way they had been before; and her strange behavior curtailed.

"Can I hold the baby?" Gol said as though her tone of voice resembled to someone just awakened from a long coma.

Hana handed Farhad to her. Gol sat on a chair while holding the baby. She looked at the baby for a long time and suddenly said:

"Van, Van, my Van is back. He's not dead."

Hana trembled. Her mother talked insensible; nevertheless, it did not seem like a mad woman's talk anymore.

"Are you okay, mom?"

"Yes, I am. My Van is back. Can I keep him while you're at work?"

Hana was not sure what to answer; but mom's kind eyes did not look like an insane woman anymore.

"Yes, mom, if you like!"

"Yes, I do, I do. I know he is your son, but he is my son, too. He is my Van."

Gol somehow superseded Farhad with her dead son; and that gave her a sense of vitality that no doctors in past one and half years could offer her. All those doctors had done, were over medicating her; and telling Hana that her mother would never be normal again. Hana had taken her mom to three specialist. All three at the beginning had wanted to put her in institution; but when they had faced Hana's angry resistance, they came up with cocktails of medicine that would make her sleep almost all the time. Hana intuitively knew that they should be some other cure for her mom, something out there that she did not know of it yet. But now with the birth of her son, Farhad, Hana believed that finally the cure was there. She was a mother again to her children and to her newly born grandson, Farhad, Van...

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ==15- Birth

Hamid, being angry at her growing body, mocked her repeatedly and called her ugly among other names. Her reason, of course was not good enough. Hana, who knew woman's body would change during pregnancy, began feeling guilty and submitted herself to Hamid's punishment, which was violent sex, abuse, and excuse to do his sick habit to her without considering the consequences. Pain of her lower back, bleeding, and constant heartburn caused her almost a mental and physical breakdown. Hana, who needed her mother's gentle advice, touch, and love, was not sure if her baby would be born healthy. Hamid had threatened her that if she spoke one word about what was happening in their bedroom to her doctor, he would burn the house down. The horrible sensation that her baby might not be healthy, filled the rest of her pregnancy. A few times she was tempted to talk to her aunt about her situation and to ask her advice; but when she realized that her aunt most definitely would tell her uncle Nabi about it, she changed her mind. Those days in her country, doctors did not have the equipments to know about the health or the sex of the baby. All they did, was to listen to the heartbeat of the baby and asked some questions from the mother; which in Hana's case, she never said a word about the abuse she tolerated from Hamid. She forced herself to get up every morning, go to work, go to college after work, return home, and cook and clean. Boby, her brother was a great help. Every morning Hana would give him a grocery list and money so he could shop after school. Refrigerators were new then in her country, and they could not afford to buy one; therefore they had to buy grocery everyday. Her sister Sara, stayed the way she had always been, a heedless user, who spent hours in front of mirror, and her younger sister, Mina, continued to help while becoming closer to Hana and further from Sara. Gol, her mother, roamed the rooms with an uncombed hair and unpleasant appearance all day. Grandma came and stayed with Gol, her daughter, most days; however Gol would not settle down until Hana would come home, as though her vague ambiguity and pain would end when her oldest child returned.

In a cold winter day, when an unbearable pain struck her while she was teaching, some of her students helped her to the office. There, the principal asked her about how far apart the pain was. Hana, who did not believe it was time, was horrified. However pain did not return for half an hour. She refused help from all the teachers and principal to take her home; and left school on her own. Another pain paralyzed her while opening the door of the house; but she managed to go inside to face the worst shock in her life. What she had expected to see at home was her mother's roaming and perhaps Hamid being still in bed. But in her room, she found Sara, her sister, in bed with Hamid. She stood there almost unconscious, twisting in pain, and in total disbelief. No word would come out from her mouth in that stage of shock. She watched them kissing and fondling; however, fully dressed. They were so involved in their sick act that did not even noticed Hana. Suddenly Hamid caught a glimpse of her standing on the doorway. The electric encounter of their eyes trembled her; and she ran to the hallway. Before getting to her mother's room, she felt discharge of a fluid on her legs, as though a big body of warm water was just released magically. With extreme confusion, she looked at the water combined with blood running down her legs, and dirtying the floor. By the time she reached the telephone, Hamid was there, too; and Sara was quietly disappearing of shame to mom's room. Her mother was standing there and staring at her through her insane eyes.

After finishing her conversation with the doctor, she ran to the street while Hamid was following her. When a taxi finally stopped, she threw herself in it and Hamid got in from the other side. With a voice that was barely audible, she said to the driver:

"Mehr Hospital. Please hurry."

The driver looked at her and smiled: "Is it time?"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 15- Birth

Dallas-

The disruptive commotion continues among mother and sons and clandestinely Lila, Hana's other-half. While Hana is torn between making the right decision, as her sons suggested, Lila had promised to them, and her mind has complied with it, or remaining in the sick condition to stay Hamid's mother, as if she has three sons. She had promised herself the day she married him to love him and to take care of him. But the relationship has not improved by her unconditional effort to take care of her sick husband after twenty one years of marriage. Every morning, before she goes to work, she stands by the bed and looks at Hamid. who is sound asleep. She remembers the young, vagrant, so much in need for love, handsome, slim, with light brown hair which shone in sun like gold, who visited her every day, rained her with love, and threatened to kill himself is she would not marry him. Now he is a body filled with hatred and fat, no feeling, all gray hair, fifty pounds heavier, and outrageously mean and abusive, who does not care for anyone but himself; and acts only on his unethical vice and lust. Nevertheless, standing there and staring at a man, once acted like her child, who seems so degenerated, yet so much in need, who breathes heavily through his mouth with all the poisonous food and alcohol he has consumed a few hours earlier, gives her a blast of chill that she must leave the room immediately before kissing and hugging this unworthy son.

Contrary to her morbid inclination for Hamid, her ardor for her sons is pure and impeccable. She, who has learned motherhood from her overprotective, always worried, and impassioned mother, who lost her sanity and sense of being for the unfortunate lives of her children, feels strong love for her innocent sons and has always tried to protect them from any trauma and harm. Introspecting deeply her conscience, she realizes a significant difference between these two overwhelming feelings. One has vigorously constrained her to feel guilty and sinful for a long time and for many doomed calamities, such as Saeid's desperate suicide, or not saying a loving word to her father before his death, and being partially responsible for her mother's insanity; and the other has vehemently fulfilled her with a fervid enthusiasm and passion to neutralize the unnatural hideousness.

The days that follow her son's ultimatum are spent to discover her conscience, that mysterious informer which she has reason to believe nothing can be hidden from it. While Hana's unfathomable behavior has puzzled even herself for so long, she knows the secret detective in her feeble cognizance is aware of every step she takes. She may be able to fool herself; or comes up with excuses to her sons; but she can not deceive her observant awareness. Her decision not only will be a turning point for her and a monstrous or pleasing deed for her sons, but also will reinforce or weaken her inconceivable consciousness. Hallucinating in her confused mind, she travels back into the time when she gave birth to Farhad against the sad situation of her life style and against the advice of every sane and wise member of her family that cautioned her not to get pregnant.

Tehran-

Pregnancy was an unknown, mysterious experience for Hana. She watched her body changed, her clothes got tight, her mood , appetite, and her whole entity became something so foreign to her that the puzzlement was much greater than anything else. Morning sickness, lost of appetite, and the unbearable lower back pain did not stop her of normal activities. During this time Hamid began a job that one of Hana's relative had found for him; however, he lost the job one month later blaming his boss. Many other jobs different people found for him, ended the same way. Very soon, Hana realized while other Iranian women had the luxury of staying home and being supported by their husbands, she had to continue working hard fending for all in the house. Sometimes, when looking at her naked stomach, which was blown like a balloon, she felt a remorseful torment for bringing a baby to this world; nonetheless, when she could feel the movement or the kick of that living thing inside her womb, an overwhelming ecstasy enraptured her. It was an indescribable thing she had never read in any book or was told by her insane mother. She loved to share those thrills with Hamid, but all he cared for was her support.

To Be continued