TWO_ YEARS OF TENSION, YEARS OF STONE

When I lie down on the bed of dreams,
I hear the melancholy, yet mellow sound of a bell.
The dawning day, in my heart, gleams.
The sound of awakening children knell.
They slowly and solely sing my sorrow,
A musicless, yet harmonious verses of sad eyes.
Should my fire of life lasts till tomorrow,
I worship that fire, which in my heart lies.
At night when skies are lit by stars,
And I listen intensely to hear
The war of planets which has left scars.
The fading music in my ears is so dear.

Years of tension have come, years of stone had gone.
And strangely for those years I long.
And lying on the bed of dreams, I have none;
Neither tension, nor stone, what have I done wrong?
*
Aria's return home was one of the happiest days in Anna's eyes. When he had left, he looked like a boy; now he was back as a man, a handsome, tall, muscular man with a mustache which accentuated the beauty of his olive color skin. His attitude and behavior was not the same as three years ago when he had left. He was firm, yet soft spoken, dignified, yet humorous, well dressed, yet casual, and good looking, yet ordinary. He was a man Anna was happy to be his sister. However his demeanor was not very appropriate to their father's taste. In Shahzdeh's eyes, he acted somewhat as though he had forgotten his class, his aristocrat's class. But how could Shahzdeh deny this part of him, the only son he had; while his only daughter was a rebel and did not want to marry like any other girl he knew? How did this happen? Why did both his children turn against him? Aria was not the boy Shahzdeh knew. He could not demand his obedience. Every time they discussed something, he would lose his concentration by his son's logical words about their ways of life. He did not look like the son he had raised and hoped to be like him. He blamed America for this new behavior and attitude. He cursed himself for sending him there.
Many people in his class had done the same and were not regretful. His son did not act like him, he did not frown when women were around. In fact, he talked to his mother and sister equally vehement as he did to his father. In Shahzdeh's eyes his son was changed by a force that was beyond his control and he did not like it.
Nonetheless, to Anna, her brother had changed from a spoiled, aristocrat boy to an honest, logical, good looking young man. She adored this new man she knew for fifteen years. To her father's extreme surprise, she spent hours in her brother's room, taking in what he told her about America. Shahzdeh thought that was not a propler way for a girl, in her class, to act.
"Tell me about America, Washington, tell me everything." Anna thirstily wanted to know everything; and of couse Aria would exaggerate even more about American way of living, schools, streets, museums, parks, and relationships of opposite sexes to his sister. He would tell Anna about a few girlfriends he had had, things he had done, places he had visited, and freedom in schools he had worshipped. As he would entice Anna by his detailed description more and more, she yearned to flee from suffocation she lived in. He would boast about food, restaurants, his car, and so many ordinary things. Things Aria told her became like an untouchable mirage in Anna's thirsty eyes.
Their ardent discourse, all about America, would prick the hidden awareness of the stifled life she lived in that golden cage. Her brother, unconsciously, was bringing up a wild soul that had been buried in his sister. When he met Anna's fiance, he rudely made fun of him, questioned his credibility, and ignored his father's piercing look. His plan was to run him away from their house, so he would break the engagement and make it easy for him and his sister to get rid of this arranged marriage. It worked. On the third visit, the man was so upset that he left right away and told his parents about the rudeness of Anna's brother and her hysterical laughter. The next day, Anna's engagement ring and other gifts were sent back. Everything was over. As their father was angrily blaming Fatie, his wife's poor background for this incident, Anna and Aria were laughing uncontrollably for their accomplishment.

To be continued

Chapter one will end

Destiny, however, had chosen a different path for Anna. As she was growing up, her playmates were the children of the gardener, maids, and cook clandestinely. She learned so many interesting things from them. They lived in the same state but with a very different life style that she could not possibly discern them in her own society. In that isolated golden cage, community for her was the children of rich and aristocrat, The culture was high class schools with foreign teachers, and politics was what her father said. Going every afternoon, when school was over, to the gardener's hut to talk and play with his daughter and son, opened her eyes eventually to the different side of the country and city she was living. She felt the extreme need for doing more than being an aristocrat's daughter or wife. She wanted to learn about her country, where she did not know anything about. When one day she asked her father to take her to his office in the down town Tehran with him, Ali, perplexed, looked at her and said: "City is not a place for girls." She curiously said: "Why not? I like to learn about people. I want to see down town Tehran." "You live in Tehran! What do you want to see that you haven't seen. Besides we have all these history and sociology books in my library. You can read them and learn about people."
Not arguing with the father, the master of the house, was one of the traits of a high class teenager. Therefore, Anna could not imaginably say another word to her father. Nonetheless the thought of seeing the way of ordinary people's lives captured her since that conversation with her father. She satisfied her curiosity, somewhat, by asking questions from Mehdi, the gardener and his wife Suri. What she learned from them, who faithfully worked for her father, was much more comprehensive and profound than the books she read from her father's library.
On holidays, especially the New Year (Norouz), where their rooms were filled with gifts, pastries, and food special for the New Year, Anna was tormented to see the people who worked for them could do only very small things for their children and themselves. Nevertheless, in the morning of the New Year, they were allowed to come to the reception room with their families and stand in the line until her father would bless and give them the money he had put between the pages of KORAN the night before. Ali was always generous in that once a year event. In that ceremony, Fatie, Anna's mother, Aria, her brother were always present.
When she was twelve, her father sent Aria to America with student visa. Aria was supposed to continue his education there. That was a customary thing among such class to send their sons either to Europe or America for education. Not seeing her brother anymore was painful; but not as bitter as when Mehdi's daughter, at age fourteen, got married and moved away. That loathing event was like an alarm that her turn would come soon, too; as she heard through grapevine that her father's distant cousin was a candidate to marry her in a few years. The thought tortured her continuously. Talking to her mother seemed hopeless; since Fatie did not see anything wrong for her daughter to marry at such young age.
At age fourteen, she read her brother's letter from America vehemently. The letters she wrote to her brother were always read by her father before going to the Post Office. She did not know how to ask her brother, without her father's knowledge, for going to America and join him. One day she wrote a letter filled with supplication to Aria asking him to do something so she could join him. She wrote that is he could not help her their father would force her to a marriage that she did not want; and that would leave her no choice but to take her life. She took the letter to Mehdi's hut and asked him to mail it for her covertly from her father. As reluctant as Mehdi was to do something against Shahzdeh's (that is how everyone called her father) order, he agreed to do that since Anna was the only one in that family who really cared for his family.
A few months later, Aria's letter for Anna arrived. Shahzdeh Ali, of course, opened the letter and read it. When he confronted Anna with that letter, she was terrified. No matter how much her father threatened her, she did not tell that Mehdi, the gardener, had mailed her letter. She knew her father would fire him on spot. She never got to read her brother's letter written to her; but whatever the content of that letter was caused Shahzdeh to speed up the engagement party for his daughter. Anna, fifteen, thought about killing herself or running away; but she was a prisoner in her golden cage with so many inquisitive eyes watching over her. she kept remembering her father's words after he had read Aria's letter to her: "You've disgraced your family. You inflict shame on us." That day had been a gruesome day for her. Life had unmasked its quintessence to her slowly. Her goal was not to bind unconfined conclusions but to unite all tangled knots.
The engagement party took place in the Court Room, where most families and friends were fed; and men in Shahzdeh's privet room discussed the term of the marriage. The distant cousin, her future husband, fifteen years older than her, looked ordinary to her. She did not know how to escape this arranged marriage. Her mother ignored her crying, and her private maid fixed her hair and helped her to dress. She was seeking for a courage to make a scene, or to make groom's family so frustrated that they would run away; but how could she? When the evening was over and all the guests were gone, she still did not know what the terms of her marriage to this total stranger would be. In her room, crying hysterically, she heard her mother's footstep. She entered the room. "Why are you crying? You must be happy. You're marrying a shahzdeh, a rich man. You're going to live like a Princess forever." Anna looked through her rainy eyes to her submissive mother and screamed: "How could you do this to me? I don't want to marry. I want to go to America to be with Aria." Fatie, perplexed said: "Don't be stupid. Girls marry whoever their father have chosen for them. Your father dosen't do anything to harm you."
"I'm just a kid. How come you sent Aria to America and not me?"
"He is a boy. He'll take over this place one day. Boys and girls are different. Look at all these jewelry they gave you! Don't you like them?"
"No, I don't. I want to die. If you make me to marry him, I'll kill myself."
Even though Fatie was concerned for her daughter's behavior, she did not think that Anna's outrage would last. She had discerned that kind of attitude amongst the girls in wealthy families; therefore, she forgot about her conversation with Anna. She did not even mention that to Shahzdeh, her husband.
As both families were preparing the great festive wedding for their children in less than six months, Anna, confused, did not know how to escape this abyss of desertion. Her classmates, even her best friend at school, laughed at her anguish. Most of them were already engaged and looked forward to their upcoming weddings. However, one of her friend agreed to mail Anna's second letter to Aria with the help of her maid.
When Aria's outrageous letter arrived in a month, Shahzdeh was atrocious. He did not know what to do with this unruly daughter. Aria had said in his letter that he was coming back to Iran to put an end to this wedding. He, who had seen the civilized way of living in America, could not imagine that his fifteen years old talented sister would be married soon. Anna was never mentioned about this letter; however, she overheard her father's phone conversation to Aria in Washington. That is how she learned that her brother was coming home.
*
In that room filled with pungent odor of medicine, Anna kindly washed her husband's body with warn water since he was incapable of doing it himself. She cleaned him as she did everyday by using a soft cloth and two big bowls of warm water and a mild soap. When she finished, she kissed his forehead and sat on bed next to him holding his hand. He was dozing; he might even have a sweet dream; but Anna's vehement caresses and kisses brought a gloomy light to his soul and he opened his eyes. "I am sorry for all of these." He was sweet today.
Anna was terrified by him mentioning again his request. How could she respond to his last wish? As the spring sun was forced through the crevice of the drapes inside and on the bed, Anna conjured up a party, a dance, and the church.
*
In the excitement of lights, music, and dancing people, after Anna danced with two different men, she took a glimpse to the table Joseph was sitting. As their eyes met, she saw him getting up from his chair and walking towards her. She ran all the way outside to her car, reached for her car key in her pants' pocket and hastily opened the door and threw herself in the car. She drove her car like a lightening. It was not until home, that she realized she had left her purse at the church. As she was leaving home to go back to church to find her purse, the ring of telephone stopped her. "Anna, this is Joesph." Before Anna was able to say anything, he continued: " You forgot your purse. I had to look inside to find your phone number."
"Oh, thank you, I was just coming to search for it. I am on my way."
"No, please let me bring it to you. You don't want to drive without your driver license."
"Oh, I know, I'll be careful."
"No, please. I got your address from your driver license. I'll be there shortly."
*
Three months later, they were married. For Anna, who had lived a solitary life for twenty two years, that was a big adjustment; nonetheless; Joseph's unconditional love made it possible for her to get used to something that she had it only for one month in her life.

End of Chapter one. To be continued

Chapter one continues

As the breezy air caressed Anna's exhausted body, she walked more in the yard and ignored the toll of the bell. The blossoms of the pear tree were the first adorning that safe haven. She knew by heart that apple tree would be the next to bloom; and then the plum tree. As she pictured her sick husband in the bedroom, who had planted all those trees with his own hands, for he was a man of nature, a cold shiver ran into her bones and she sighed loud: "Why?" However, as she had no control of the happenings in her past life, it seemed, as though in this new life she was even more powerless and vulnerable.
*
Anna, an intelligent and energetic student, who had brought up in a high class, sophisticated Persian family, was different even from childhood than other girls in her class. Her father, Ali, was related from both father and mother side to the last dynasty, Qajar, which enabled him to carry the title Shahzadeh (Prince); and made him an aristocrat. He not only lived up to his title, but also taught his only two children to act like one. His first wife, the mother of his son, died at a very young age from a mysterious disease while their son, Aria, was only five years old. As it had been custom for an Iranian man of his class to find a new wife ( not for an Iranian woman under the same circumstance), Ali thought who was better than Fatie, his son's nanny to become his wife. His second child, Anna, from his second wife was born a few years later. Fatie loved both children equally and never even in her secret mind thought that Aria was her stepson. In return, even though Aria had an obscure memory of his real mother, he loved fatie just as she was his real mother and never called her anything but mother.
Two happy children, eight years apart in age, grew up without any conflict, poverty, and hardship where many children had had a real hard life. Unaware of their society, they lived in their golden cages, where everything from school to entertainment were provided for them in the highest level. They both mastered not only Persian language in school but also English and French by their foreign teachers. Their schools only accepted the students that belonged to that certain class. Their vacations, two or three times a year, were spent mostly in Europe and once in America. Their clothes came from the best designers in Europe. While Anna mastered music by playing piano and violin, since it was a sign of sophistication for a young Iranian woman in her class, Aria, her brother, learned horseback riding with the help of people who worked in his father's stable. He was raised in a way to become a man of dignity and integrity like his father which would enable him to take care of family's estate when his father was an old man or dead.
Whereas him, Anna was brought up to be a woman of class, to marry a Shahzadeh (Prince) and to carry on the responsibilities a woman had in the house. However, in such families, even those duties were turned over to maids, nannies, gardeners, and cooks.


To be Continued

1 Continues, Third Posting

"Will you dance with me?" Anna raised her head and looked at the bald man, much older than her. He was dressed terribly. She was not ambiguously sure what is the proper way of saying no. Her eyes suddenly fixed on his eyes. He had the kindest eyes she had seen for a long time. They were entreating and impatient for her answer. "Sure." She said.
On the dance floor, they impressed everyone. Anna's practicing by herself paying off. Joseph, a natural dancer, was not inexperienced at all. In fact, he had mastered ballroom dancing with the help of an old girlfriend, who had been a dance instructor. His natural way of leading Anna to the fast disco music, nevertheless, relieved her shyness and very soon she forgot that Melisa had not shown up. When the music stopped, she wished for another fast dance. Strangely, dancing, something she had never done in public, released her tension and anger of her cursed life by awakening something so foreign in her. she felt drops of sweat running down her face and into her silk fuchsia blouse. The next dance was a slow one. Being that close to a man she just met was wonderful and scary.
When they were leaving the dance floor, Joseph ashed her: "Where are you from? I detect an accent." Anna sighed and said in her speaking mind: "I can never get rid of my accent." "Italian!" Suddenly Joseph began talking Italian to her. She, embarrassed, shocked, and bewildered, had no choice but to interrupt him: "I am not Italian. I was born in Iran." He laughed. She was not sure why she lied. Perhaps because many people had told her that she looked Italian, or may be because of the two countries bad relation since Iranian Revolution.
The embarrassment stayed with her and she felt like running away of this assumingly Italian man. By this time they were at the exit door. The band was playing again. Joseph was determined to dance more with this strange woman; but another man walked to Anna and asked her for dance. Anna did not see the disappointment in Joseph's eyes. She wanted to get away from him.
*
Joseph, that evening was working on the footnote of his latest book when Bob, the director of a single group he belonged to called him. "Listen, there is this dinner dance at the church. I have five women going and no men. Please come."
"Oh, no, Bob. I am working on my book. I have a deadline. I can't." When Bob called back after ten minutes, Joseph was very upset. "I told you I cant." "Please, I promise you'll have fun." Joseph thought for a moment. He had been working all day. He had to eat anyway. "All right. But I can't stay long."
At the church, he asked all those five women for dance, and they all refused him as though he had a plague. Then he noticed Anna, the strange woman, who seemed not knowing what she wanted. He thought to himself: " I ask her for a dance and if she says no, I just go back home."
That was how Anna and Joseph met.
*

1- First Cry

Sinking deeply into her thoughts, she answered quietly and indifferently: "I don't know. I am not sure." He looked at her with a long, penetrating look, as though he would pierce her through with it. "Can you give me a straight answer for once?" She stayed silent with a look that made it clear that she had no desire to continue the conversation. A cold shiver ran down her spine. She left the room that smell of medicine and disease had replaced the aroma of spring and life.
As feeling of desertion filled her with a sorrow of stony years, she stepped out to the yard, where the pearl like sprouts of trees shone in the mild sun rays. Breathing that fresh air, she cried and tears rushed down her face. She stood vacant and hesitant, while even intense thinking could not help her with an answer. As her mind went blank and no logic passed through it, she heard the squeaky door bell tolled. It was him, not a guest or welcoming news.
*
On that Saturday afternoon, she changed her mind. As courage and timid fought inside of her mind and soul, Anna wished she was invisible so she could do things that she had never done, go places that she had never been, and forget the pain that she had suffered long. Gaining that new experience needed a bravery that she did not have; yet the loneliness of so many years had brought her nothing but bitterness, an absolute bitterness that she did not know how it had started and when it would end. Nevertheless, as she looked in the mirror to her changing face and body, she reminded herself that time was passing. And as time moved forward, her skin was withering, her eyes were losing their glow, and the firmness of her body was becoming loose and flabby. Feeling that she could no longer resist the harsh rumbling of her heart, she stepped into shower, thinking that she would go, she would stand in a corner and perceive, and she would feel the situation and the place before mixing with others or returning home.
Melisa, her therapist's assignment for her this week was to socialize. In fact she wanted Anna to mix with people the entire year that Anna was her patient. "This is what is wrong with you. Get rid of all these past things, so you won't be robbed from your future." Melisa had said that to her many times. "I want you to go to this church Saturday. Their single group have a dinner and dance." Melisa, being single herself, was going. She loved to dance. Anna loved dancing as well; but she had never gone out. Anytime a disco music was played on radio, Anna, all alone, would dance to the music until she would be all sweaty and hot. However, Anna did not want to go alone. She wanted to go with Melisa. When she offered that they should go together, Melisa gave her a professional look which always was cold. "No, you need to learn going places by yourself. You're forty two years old and don't need a chaperon. I see you there."
How could Anna know that going to that dinner and dance would change her life? Things sometimes happen in a mysterious and unexpected way. In that big room, where in one side a long table filled with food was set, on the opposite side a band played different style of music from country western to disco and rock, and at the end of the room across from entrance there were tables and chairs for people who wanted to sit, and in the middle of the room many people were dancing; Anna stood by the entrance. With a searching glance she looked for Melisa but she was not there. As she hesitantly lingered from one foot to another, and thought how could Melisa do this to her; she decided to leave. But before doing that, she took another glance into the crowd just in case she had missed seeing Melisa. As her eyes were revolved, they got fixed on a man who was walking towards her. She was not sure where that man was going; however she secretly hoped he was coming to her.

Dedication, 1- First Cry

Dedication
To all whom I have loved, for love is the most therapeutic thing in this crazed world.

First cry
The only one cry between us
Unfolds into uniting hands.
Into the bottomless of mountains
Or grand, precious rivers
Or the full moon, where the gloominess of our eyes
Evoke us for a union so rare,
Where we dive into the deep of each other's eyes,
Or treasure every second of this great show;
For our existence is the sparkle that composes
The sweetness of our hands to reach
A friend, so close, so dear, and so far
And we set our feet on the solid of the earth
Where the only awareness is the feeling of the other;
And the resistance we both share.
How is it for us with this love?
When we see the other's aura, not the body.
And how sad our cry is for union!
A painful, fierce cry, First Cry.
*
A river which washes the stones down the stream, can be a vital source of living as much as a destructive factor for nihilism. As the water washes good and bad, healthy and unhealthy, vivid and morbid, the layers at the bottom piles upon each other like racks of clouds. There are generations after generations that make, shape, and combine those piles; and how the most recent layer can possibly know anything if it doesn't at least glance beneath it. This is the river of life, many lives, generations, cultures, races, and all accumulated knowledge.
The clouds up in sky cover stars, moon, or sun; but that is what appears in our eyes. If we can fly high enough above those clouds, we are able to see stars, blue sky, sun, and moon. Why? Because clouds love them and because they love clouds. They envelope each other not swallow. Up there, sky, sun, and clouds are free, free of tumult, thunder, and lightening. There is nothing up there to scare or tie them.
It is life, our lives, Anna's life worth living. An ordinarary life which becomes so extraordinary as the piles get thicher and clouds get darker. The massive force that started Anna's unusual life would change to a short ecstasy, a long life solitude, and another short bliss. That follows by making an ultimate decision. What she knows or has known in her experienced, yet naive life, compare to this last impulse is nothing. This is a very new learning, as baby's First Cry. It is Anna's First Cry.
*