Twenty Seve ####### Leaving

Anna was a wreck. Everything around her seemed ruined and demolished by a force stronger than nature. She feared that she could not even mesmerize the fond memories she shared with Stacy. There was a knot in her throat at all times without knowing that one would share nothing with the other. She gradually became uneasy to think about Stacy. She felt the time had come that she need not to think about her friend, Stacy, anymore; but needed to move on, to change, to deviate from this path and choose a different one. Leisure time, she had so much of it, frightened her; and she realized that for the first time in her life life, time had slowed down, almost to the point of not moving. "Where can I move?" She thought. "And why?" Washington was now a ghost town to her. First the memory of her brother, now her dead husband, and above all her best Friend's attitude towards her at the time that she needed her the most, were constantly haunting her.
She knew living in Washington, being in places that she had been with Steve or Aria, seeing things that they had seen together, and facing people they they had faced, was out of question. She had to leave Washington if she wanted to live. This city that once had fascinated her, now was killing her. She had no choice but to leave it. The life around her seemed so very wrong; and she felt by moving, perhaps she could start afresh. She had gone to her old habit, walking at night. She walked far until she would not recognized the neighborhood. She could neither write nor read, nor play her piano. The entire existence of that city and herself were all filled with melancholy.
Drifting aimlessly from room to room, from street to street, she spent hours, days, and minutes thinking. As she loved to walk to unknown places, she wanted to move away and go to a far, unknown place, as far as it could be.
Her separation from Stacy was not a victory. They both were losers; and they both paid a great price for this detachment. For Anna, the price was a load she did not have the energy or desire to bear. All she could do was to reject it and stay alone.
Now, embroiled in past, her life, her achievement she had hoped to be a solidity to a new source of living, was stifling her. Intrusive memories of Steve did not move. They were there with the early rays and they were there with dying rays. She would walk to the park, not too far from her apartment, and conjured up their walks on Sunday afternoons or many other times. In fact she had more memories of walking with Steve during her one month marriage and courtship than anything else. She would lean against the wooden fence which surrounded the northern section of the park and looked up to her bedroom window she could see it from there. She would fantasized their intimacy in that room. Then she would walk as frenzied as a butterfly and finally sit on a bench, the same bench she had sat many times with Steve. Then She would cover her eyes with her hands to stop the memories.
One thing she could not forget. Around the same time that Stacy had made ugly and sarcastic comment to her, her parents, Williams, sued her for Steve's survival benefit. So it was all about money. "Come and take it." She had said to Williams on the phone. But her lawyer stopped her of giving up to Steve's family. He told Anna that his benefit is her legal right. She had thought then how money could corrupt even nice people like Williams and Stacy. In the court, Judge dismissed the case. She remembered that the judge told Williams and Stacy "Hasn't she gone through enough? Now you're suing this twenty years old widow for money!"
Her life was a tasteless pain and all contrasts showed that how confined and limited her life was. Sometimes she wondered if she loved life at all. She had no trace of past to survive what would become the memories of future. The feeling of being alive or the path that would lead her to the goals were not active in her mind. Now she had nothing left in Washington. She had no choice but to choose another path. Her goal in that city was buried. She had to take a new direction that would guide her to a new environment. Then she remembered a classmate she had had from Dallas. Mary had talked to her lengthily about the big D., their job opportunities, the newness of the city and the friendliness of its people. She thought she could be lost among the highways of Dallas and no one would ever know where she was in that big city. If she would go to Dallas, nobody would know who she was and what had happened to her. Besides Dallas was far from Washington. There, she could be like a small, unnoticed molecule. And perhaps, just perhaps she could start anew.
The fact that she was breaking up everything was horrifying; but nevertheless it seemed the only logical things. If Stacy and her parents had not done to her that unjust act, she would have never thought about moving. There were many people around; that was not a problem; but the fact that in the concluding and last resolution, she did not have any desire to find those people in a city that she could come face to face with Stacy by chance. There was no longer any nourishing talk or exchanging ideas where it had been before. And the lack of those hungered her soul and stagnated her mind. She just wanted to leave these places where she had been intense rather than content. There was no prosperity or joy there. It was only life, an strenuous and concentrated life. The city was only a pulse which was growing, flowering with an energy beyond sadness or happiness.
It was all the same. She wished she was also dead. It was dying that stood between world and her. She saw a wind lifting up from Steve's grave while she was trying not to think, not to go back; but now could she not do what was so natural to her? She raised her head and saw the shadow of Steve's yellow face that was smiling at her. She just needed the courage of the men who went to the war not the patience of their women who stayed behind.
By September, Anna arranged her moving away from Washington. She had given away all her furniture. She donated her piano to the music department of her college. All she had left were her clothes and car. She disconnected her telephone, and gave up her apartment. To her parents, she said she was taking a vacation in Niagara Falls with Stacy. She just did not want anyone to stop her or advise her.
One Monday morning, after spending a few days in a hotel, She put her suitcases in the car, bought a road map and left Washington. This was a leaving without return. But before doing that she went to the campus, parked her car outside, walked to Joe's Cafe, had a cup of coffee there and bought a pack of cigarette. Then walked through the gate to where Stacy now lived and it used to be where she also lived. The drapes were closed and she could not see through the windows. She thought about knocking the door, no, leaving a note, she changed her mind on that one, too.
Driving on highway 66 to Winchester, she noticed a forest, an area with many trees. She turned the radio on and a soft music soothed her ears. As she was listening to that music, she noticed that forest had disappeared. An uneasy feeling provoked her. She thought there, far, far, beyond that turn, and this turn, and that curve, something would come to her sight and it would cut off the wearisome uniformity of the road. What that thing would be? What would she face? Her eyes were intense and focused on the road, but her heart was injured and meandered.
On highway 81 to Knoxville, she got all exited where a sign said, "Rest Area". It was a long time she was driving. She had to pass a narrow bridge for construction reason to get there. There was a valley down there, and she could see a cabin was hidden beneath the thickness of trees. Looking down to those green and healthy trees, she saw more buildings with red and white roofs. She stopped at the rest area and got a drink and a chocolate bar from the vending machine. Walking and stretching her legs, she smoked two cigarettes. Then she got back into her car. It was getting dark and she intended to drive a few more hours before checking into a motel for night.
Two days of intense driving, no sleeping, even though she had stayed in a motel the night before on Nashville, brought her a different kind of tiredness. She had never driven this many hours. She wondered if Dallas even existed. No, she would never get there. Freedom seemed like a far mirage.
The memories of her childhood marched in front of her eyes as she finally neared Dallas. The traffic had grown heavier. The dark night with bright stars had a welcome glare in them. Holding the wheel tightly she existed from highway 30. She was in Dallas, somewhere she did not know. It was dark and she was tired and hungry. All she had eaten in the last two days were things from vending machines. She found a motel, she did not know where; parked her car, went inside, and got a room.
She was in Dallas, all alone, tired, hungry, and had no idea where in Dallas she was. She laid down on bed without taking even her shoes off and fell asleep right away, hoping to dream about her new, fresh start; but what she dreamt was rushing tears down her cheeks that had long dried out. She was crying in her sleep. She wondered if that was or would be her "First Cry"!

To Be Continued

Twenty Seven, Leaving

I lived with people since I was afraid.
But no sign of nourishment was anywhere laid.
Then, internally, I hid from them, I paid
A price like storm, or fire when it's red.
*
The mystery of life was unknown.
Many questions I asked remained my own.
In the light of road, my path was shown.
I chose a new path, held on to times alone.
*
I was colored by life, he lost color by sun.
He was born afresh, I gained none.
We both flew high, then became one.
The paradise was not perfect, neither of us won.
*
Steve's spirit was everywhere. At the beginning it had haunted Anna in an excruciating way, but as time passed, it seemed to her that if she had lost his physical existence, she had gained his soul instead. Those who knew her struggled to determine her state of mind. To some she was like a ghost, to others, she was like a person who loved to feed in sorrow. The death of her husband had directed her mind to things that she was not familiar to them. Where she stood in the society did not worry her anymore. She had nothing else to lose.
Steve's image continuously flashed in her mind; but as more time passed, it was like fragments of her savage and wild dreams. She felt mute, paralyzed, and fractured by this unfair destiny. She felt trapped by this unjust play of God. Her parents' unconditional love seemed too much, too little; and she wondered when would they go back and leave her alone with her miseries. She felt entombed in the hard shell of her life. There was no escape, no turning back, no running away; and even if there was a way, she had no strength to see or use it. She refused to get professional help which everybody in both side of the families were suggesting. That recommendation was driving her more to insanity.
Her parents wanted her to go to Iran with them even if it was temporary. Anna could not imagine living with them even though she loved them beyond belief, especially her father. She wanted to have a complete solitary life. She just could not stand any one's company.
The continuous investigation and also her status as Steve's only beneficiary were logical reason for her parents to agree for her to stay where she was. Her father wanted his wife, Anna's mom, to stay with her for a while, but Anna knew that was not something that her mother really wanted it, or something that she was thrilled about it. Besides without her mother at home, her father would have been too lonely. She did not like the old look of her father. She blamed herself for his aging. First the death of her brother and now her situation had made her father to age so unbelievably. They finally left after a month; they had to. By then, to them Anna seemed much better. She promised them to go back to school if not in summer, most definitely in fall semester. There was so much legal thing for her to take care of.
By the end of Summer, six months after Steve's death, FBI and police closed the investigation and put it in the files of unsolved crimes, somewhere in the back burner to collect dust. They had no clue, no finger print, nothing. Anna knew from the beginning that this would happen- mystery, murder without any evidence, or whatever they wanted to call it. By then, she was also given Steve's survival benefit. If she would never marry again, she would get that money as long as she lived. Her immigration lawyer also informed her that her Green Card would soon be in her hand.
Gradually she began to understand why Stacy continued living a normal life. She remembered herself after Aria's death. She had also had taken her normal life, so she thought since the image of her dead brother was always in her mind. Nonetheless, their relationship, Stacy's and Anna's, started to deteriorate. Anna was not sure of the reason; was it her endless mourning or Stacy's uncouth remarks that ended their friendship.
She remembered the day Stacy was visiting her about a month ago. Then, she had told Stacy that all the legal matters Had been solved and she would get a check every month. She noticed that Stacy's eyes widened as she sighed. "Not a bad deal. You don't have to work for the rest of your life. You have Steve's check and when your father dies, you have all his, too, not a bad deal at all!"
Anna was so hurt by her friend's sarcastic remark that she did not know how to answer her. "I don't believe you said that."
Almost not noticeably, the long, deep friendship began to fade away. At first Anna had a hard time to accept it, but Stacy showed nothing to her that indicated of their friendship. She was just so envious to Anna's situation that she could not pause for a moment and think how Anna's life for ever had changed. What had been love between two friends slowly changed to habit. What had been trust and finding comfort in each other's company, changed to rivalry. Anna heard through grapevines that Stacy was telling their mutual friends that Anna got a good award for one month marriage. She recalled the time that both friends had eased the stress of the other; but now it was only a light switch that she could only turn it off. All good and bad things they shared suddenly withdrew to survive and live. Most likely they had lost their significance.

To Be Continued