Twenty Three |||||||| Haunted

Hoping to learn more about the essential mystery of living, soon after her father left, Anna began reading more philosophical books rather than novels. Her piano, at the beginning, about two weeks, stayed untouched. Somehow she was frightened of not knowing how to play or reading the notes. However, one day when Stacy was not home, she eased on the green stole, lifted the door of the piano and stared at the black and white keys. Then she laid her fingers on the keys without pressing them. She tried to remember a melody by an Iranian composer she had always loved and her teacher had first taught her to play. Could she able to play it without having the notes? She began murmuring the tune, and as the notes were gradually coming to her sight, as though they were right there in front of her, she began playing. She felt out of touch. She had not touched a piano for over three years. As she could hear the tunes in her ears, she played. First it was out of rhythm. She noticed that she was misplaying some notes. She started anew. Soon, the entire tune was in her head; and she played it as though she had the notes. Then she remembered more of her favorite music. By the time Stacy returned home from her date, she was playing for over five hours; the passing of time that she had not even paid attention to it.
"Oh, you're finally playing. I thought you never touch that piano." That was the first thing Stacy said when she entered the apartment.
Anna was startled by Stacy's sudden appearance. She had not even heard the door. She did not know that it was dark outside and late. Except the light in the kitchen, she had turned on when getting a glass of water, there was no light on.
"What time is it, Stacy? When did you come in?"
"Just now. It's eleven. Play something for me."
"It has to be something I know. I don't have my notes. Sunday I'm going to ask my dad to send them to me."
"That's fine. Play your favorite's. Whatever you like."
Anna played the first tune she had remembered that afternoon. That music was not familiar to Stacy's ears; nonetheless, the genius of the composer and the expertise of Anna soothed Stacy tremendously. Anna played more of what she remembered. Even though she had not played for all these times, it was obvious to Stacy that she was a natural. By the time they decided to go to bed, it was one in the morning.
Between each play, they had talked of their deepest feelings. Stacy was irritated by her boyfriend. Since Anna and Steve's engagement, Stacy wanted a more serious relationship with Charlie; but every time she had brought up the subject to him, he had refused to talk about it. Anna could understand her friend's frustration. She had also been there at one point. To solace Stacy was an act of stupidity and it would not do her any good. The best advice she could give her friend was to be patient.
"Time will solve all problems."
Stacy thought for a moment and then said in her speaking mind: " Time will also rob us from our existence." But to Anna, she said: "Did you talk to Steve today?"
"Yes, he called me twice. He's coming back next week."
"Do you miss him?" She asked Anna.
"Oh, yes, very much. I wish he could change job so he doesn't have to travel so much. He can't even tell me where he goes and what he does most of the time. I even don't know where he is now!"
"But you knew all these beforehand. You agreed to marry him anyway."
"I know, Stacy. But it's hard. I don't know if I will like it when we are married."
"You're not breaking up, are you?" Stacy had somewhat a sarcastic note in her voice.
"Of course not. I love him too much to back up. But he promised to practice law as soon as he finishes school and passes the bar exam." Anna's voice showed her true love for her fiance.
"That is good. I remember how worried my mom always was when my dad was travelling. We couldn't even talk to her; that is how upset she was. Thank God my dad is retired now."
Life had always been different when Anna was learning. Being a student again after a summer of many happenings and events slowly removed many bad thoughts and emotions from her. She found her mind in an actual perception afresh. Fundamental reality of existence and identity wove fantasy and absoluteness in a way that momentary she forgot that there was only a border line between reality and illusion. She had endured loneliness for so long that now she did not recognize the difference between solitude and boredom. She thought that she had mastered lassitude not loneliness; however, now that everything seemed perfect, she felt more isolated than before. Her life, appeared to others, like an exotic flower, but to her the difference between that flower and a weed was only a perception.
The spirit of her dead brother continuously haunted her and flew into her veins. She saw Aria, his soul, his mind, and his face being lifted up and stared into her eyes through his biting, piercing, and vehement eyes. He gazed at her and could not sever himself apart, looked and could not see enough of her, and could not let go of her hands and her piece of mind. His soul from grave haunted her repeatedly.
There was no happy ending to this train of thoughts and feelings. In fact the word "happy ending" were only an illusion. However in every one's life there are some perfect moments. Anna's life in this period was a "perfect moment". But she wondered when would all these nightmares end!? When would Aria leave her so she can live her perfect life?

To Be Continued

Twenty Three-------Haunted

Shahzdeh stayed another week. He and Anna went shopping. He bought many things for Fatie, Anna's mother, which Anna picked them up. He bought some clothes for himself; and then he bought many things for all the people that worked in his state. With Anna's insistence Mehdi, their gardener and his family got special treatment. They were always her favorite. his children were Anna's childhood friends. She could not believe when his father told him that Mehdi's daughter now had two children. She was just about a few months younger than Anna. It was because of her wedding, Anna thought, that her whole story began. Steve came to Anna's apartment every evening, sometimes they ate Anna's cooking, since Stacy didn't not know how to cook, but she was great making dessert, and sometimes they went to a restaurant. Shahzdeh never let Steve pay for dinner; one of Persian custom that always the elder spays. Two days before Shahzdeh's departure, after dinner, when four of them had tea, Persian style, and conversation, Shahzdeh casually and spontaneously said: "Anna, do you ever miss your piano?"
Anna's eyes dilated. She had missed her piano every second of her life abroad. Stacy put her cup down on the table and went to a deep thinking. Everyone noticed that. She finally said: "You never told me that you play piano."
"I might have told you. It's not a big deal."
Steve came to rescue: "She told me about it."
Stacy did not say another word. On the other hand Shahzdeh had stirred up his daughter's deepest love for music. She sighed remembering the days she had gone to her room and played the piano. Shahzdeh had always known her mood by the tune she played. If the piano thundered, he knew that she was sad, angry, or upset; if it sounded breezy and gentle, he knew that she was content.
"Yes, dad, I miss my piano very much. I've been thinking to buy one. Now that you bought me a car, I can use the money I was saving to buy a piano."
Shahzdeh went to a deep thinking which always brought a deep furrow between his bushy eyebrows. He was fighting with himself not to invade Anna's independence, financial and otherwise. But wasn't that the reason he brought up the subject?
"Maybe we buy a piano while I am still here!"
"But I haven't saved enough money for it yet." Anna, irritated said. Stacy and Steve knew where the conversation was going to. In a short time knowing Shahzdeh, they knew he had a way to rain Anna with his love and money. Steve discerned that this intrusion from his future father-in-law would perhaps anger Anna; nevertheless, in the final analysis he also knew that Shahzdeh always would be in place of advantage because Anna would fight with her father but never to a degree of hurting him. Her love for her father was tremendous. He knew that Anna ultimately would not do anything to upset her ageing and departing father. This looked like an ongoing battle between two people with many shared past and disjointed future.
"Shahzdeh, if you allow me, I was thinking to buy her a piano as our wedding present." Steve realized right away that he said a very wrong thing; but the words had spilled out and he had no way of changing them back.
Anna looked at two men and then she studied herself real hard.. She wondered which one of them would buy the piano for her. It seemed like a race to her. Stacy seemed annoyed; but what appeared to be annoyance, was in fact envy. No one ever had offered her to buy her car or any other expensive thing. For her birthday, her parents had sent her fifty dollars and her boyfriend had given her a custom set of jewelery that they bought together for fifteen dollars, only Anna's present was something real valuable, they were a series of books that she wanted and cost more than hundred fifty dollars. Steve was not even in town on her birthday.
Anna realized her friend's frustration and thought to stop this intrusion before she would soften to the invaders.
"I won't accept it from either of you. I must buy it myself." Her words had a finality in them to make the two men stop the race. Steve did not say another word; but Shahzdeh retorted: "Let me buy it for you before I go back. Pay me back when you have enough money. Please!"
Anna knew there was no paying back when it came to her father. That would be an insult to a man like him.
"Dad, if I let you do this, there are going to be other things constantly; and you'll never let me to pay you back, you know it and I am sure of it."
"I promise, I will. Please Anna. I admit it makes me feel good when I buy you things."
"No, dad, in makes you feel in control." She said what she was fighting for a long time not to say. She looked at her father and saw how the effect of her words brought a sudden darkness into his face. His somber eyes grew cloudy.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean it."
Shahzdeh was sitting next to her on the sofa. He hugged her and made her to move closer to him. His Strong and manly hand on her back gave Anna a sense of warmth and shame. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes; but her consciousness was interrupted. "I tell you what, dad. Let us do it; but promise no more." Shahzdeh drew her closer and kissed her head and face with his rainy eyes repeatedly. He was a lucky man that minute.
*

To Be Continued

Twenty Three, Haunted

Inherently, why does one want to be free?
Is it free of chaos,
Or the freedom of the ideas that lead to enmity?
Is it to be free of good and evil,
Or the feeling of haunting guilt in memory?
Is it be free of confusion,
Or all the things that lead us to that mystery?
Is it to be free of what others think,
Or the neurotic disturbance of our sanity?
Is it to be free of early years,
Or the anxious flowing of feeling aimlessly?
Is it to be free of fearing the death,
Or the enticement to run away from tragedy?
But isn't every one's life is tragedy at the end?
*
Dear Diary:
"Sometimes a recollection from youth can rejuvenate an old soul, a weary spirit, and a desperate mind. I remember a trip on a happy day. The entire family was going on a trip to Mazandaran Province, by the Caspian sea, where my father had a villa in Ramsar by the beach. This happened only a few months before Aria left Iran for America. My heart was full of life and happiness. It was the first time that I had convinced my father to do something I wanted.
'Father, let us go by train. I've never been on a train.'
"I was extremely surprised when he said yes; nonetheless, he sent the driver and the car ahead of us to Ramsar.
'Okay, we go by train, but we come back by car.'
"In one of train stops, I got out and walked to the woods that enveloped Alborz Mountains. Aria came after me. He acted like a child that day. We ran after each other and played hide and seek. While I was hiding so Aria could find me, I saw this little girl. She was there, too, where I was hiding. I thought she was playing, too; but she wasn't. she was about six years old with brown hair color and beautiful, sad, and large brown eyes. Her clothes were dirty and cheap. She looked at me and suddenly smiled. Quietly she began trusting me. She didn't know who I was. She looked at me with those beautiful, sad eyes. I could hear Aria calling me. But I was unhearing to his call. Something inside me forcefully unmasked itself.
"When I went back into the train, my feelings and thoughts rippled on an event that felt extremely joyous that day; yet, I remembered those brown, sad eyes and I was ashamed of my happiness. Then I thought that someday I would recall this day and relive it, remember myself, Aria, father, mother, and that little girl. Then I thought when that day in future would come, this recollection, perhaps would save me and give me a pleasure beyond measure.
"Now, I am drifting there, back to that breezy spring which is encircling all my feelings in this retrospection; and I feel that memory is standing there for lookout over all my life. Now and forever I will remember that little girl, beautiful, large brown eyes, sad and definitely poor. But mostly I remember Aria, my beloved brother, as he was on that day and trip, playing hide and seek with me. He was twenty two then, I was fourteen. Up to then, our shared joy did not have any limit, it wasn't about being family. Our age difference was not a barrier for us to be close and share secrets.
"when he left for America only a few months later, I felt that part of my being had been fractured. Tonight I have the same feeling. I got engaged to a man that I love; yet I feel fractured and smashed by a force much powerful than any other violence like a force of a tropical storm. But something else happened tonight. I didn't see my father as a man that I knew. He was a new and different person. He was the reflection of Aria."
*

To Be Continued