It was raining. In fact the pouring rain made things outside so dense, that Anna could not see the gazebo from the bedroom window. Clouds were dark blue, as she stood motionless by the window listening to the sound of the storm. Joseph moved in bed and she rushed to him. "Do you need anything, honey?"
He opened his eyes. They were yellow. His face was not pale but yellow. She feared that the time had come. She kneeled on the bed and touched his forehead. "I am calling for an ambulance."
Suddenly Joseph grabbed her hand. In his extreme weakness, his grab was still strong. "No, Don't you dare." His voice was weak but even in its weakness it had that authoritarian tone in it. She went back to the window, irritated, to remember more of her other savage loss.
*
Horror and despise, like two heavy rocks, weighted down on her. She did not remember where she was. It was not her own bed or bedroom. It was not anything she knew. It was silent, mysterious, and cold. She pulled the blanket all the way over her head, then opened her eyes. Under the canopy she had made, she strove to remember the circumstances. Slowly everything came to focus, blood, death, her fainting, Stacy's screaming, her in-laws' crying, the detective, and the suitcases. She pushed back the blanket forcefully and sat up in bed. She knew then that her one month marriage was over, gone, like it had never happened. She was a widow at age twenty.
At the funeral, she was calm, doing an act of an emotionless widow of an CIA agent. She remembered that someone had told her to act calm and dignified at the funeral. Who? She did not recall. Her in-laws and Stacy were next to her. As they were going on with the ceremony, she called another ceremony only a month before. She was dignified on that one, too. She was leaning on Stacy for support. It seemed to her that the ceremony had no end. She recalled the other one was much shorter. She talked in her speaking mind: "Will I ever survive this? Will life ever become normal for me again?" Many people she did not know came to her, talked to her, and sympathized with her. She acted polite. But what would they know about grief? Her politeness was not really being polite, but it was a state of unconsciousness of her surroundings that made her numbingly like a zombie. If she had her free will or indefatigable energy then, she would perhaps scream at all those people, who did not know her pain including Steve's boss and colleague.
Her in-laws asked her to go and live with them for awhile. She said no. Stacy offered to stay with her. She said no again. There was no need for all those kindness. She was alone in the present of the others; and she was lonely when she was alone. This separation was permanent. It was not natural. But nothing in her life was natural. Everything that had happened to her up to this moment was "FOREVER". Would that make it natural?
She was alone as she had always been. It was like a mad ferocity and fury to be without him, to be solitary. She did not know if she was free or Strong anymore; but she knew that she had too much time on her hand. Life was a savage animal without him. New people irritated her and the old ones bored her with their kindness and show of sympathy. Her books were not her sense of bravery and knowledge anymore. They did not mean anything to her no more. They could not organize or disturb her. Her piano was just a piece of furniture gathering dust. Her school and job were not her connection with society. She had quited both.
She would slam the doors so neighbors could hear her anger. Everything was only a shadow. Sometimes she felt if there had ever been any Steve in her life at all. He was only a shadow. Their marriage was so short that she did not have enough memory of it.
She refused to go to Iran and be with her parents for awhile, so they were coming. Stacy's or Williams' calls irritated her. If she could only think for a moment that they had also lost their brother and son, perhaps handling her pain would be a lot easier. To her, Steve's death only belonged to her. She could not understand his parents' and sister's pain, as she had had it and still suffered from it for Aria, her brother. But how could she know all these? Rage and fury had blinded her. Anger had stolen her intelligence.
When her parents came, Stacy had to go to the airport to pick them up. Anna had said that she was not feeling good. "What else was new?" Stacy thought. But Anna truly did not feel good physically. For the last two days, she was enduring an excruciating pain in her lower back. It was now a almost a month since Steve's death. She had not had her period yet. She knew she was pregnant. She did not need a doctor to tell her that. But now this pain! Her parents would soon arrive, and she was on her bed, unable to get up or move.
When they came, she was still in bed. Her eyes were red of crying, her hair all messy, and she was wet of a sweat that shivering her body. Stacy had no idea that she was pregnant, neither her parents.
When the ambulance came, Anna knew that this last trace of Steve had gone, too. She was bleeding uncontrollably. The miscarriage was devastating both for the pain and the loss of the baby she wanted so much. After D&C, when she woke up, she felt that there was no meaning to life, no aim, and no end; yet end did not justify the significance of her life because there was no end unless she would finish it herself.
She put her face on her father's bosom and cried. Then he wiped her tears with his fingers. A lost face suddenly flashed in her mind, and she remembered the envelope which was among her other mails the day before. It was the result of Steve's bar exam. He had passed the exam but not the life.
To Be Continued
Showing posts with label Blown Away. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blown Away. Show all posts
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Twenty Six, { Blown Away}
Our existence and ideas are marquees made of emptiness.
In place of our love, a house is build in a field,
Where your soul is dressed in a green endlessness;
And I stand thinking of the word "YIELD".
*
Your life was the price of my kiss.
And our existence was predestined with that bargain.
We both hear the applause of the world in that abyss;
What a price, that was just a drain!
*
We thought we can't talk about any case.
So we talked about you and me
But do the words "YOU AND ME" have any grace,
When all other empty words are blown free?
*
Sinking deeply into the chair of the waiting room in the hospital, Anna was overpowered by Steve's shadow sitting on the sofa just the day before, and listening to her playing the piano. As his face was changing in her image, then she saw him quietly in his blood and struggling for his life, while she was deep in sleep and was having the nightmare with the wolf. Then she saw him collapsing on the floor, like an old movie she suddenly remembered; while it was obvious that he had not done anything to save himself and he was found on the bed. Then he pictured both of them in the airplane flying to Hawaii for their honeymoon. Then she had this pierce sensation that she could have stopped this offense before happening if she had not taken the sleeping pill. Why couldn't she? Why couldn't she stop it before he was ravaged?
They were in a same hospital that she worked. Everybody knew her. She knew them and the hospital; however, its smell clung to her body. Her state of awareness was an alternate one. She was alert yet unaware. The world beyond her mind and imagination was a frenzy one.
When she was allowed into his room, she stood by his bed still and motionless. Looking at him, she did not see him. She thought his stagnancy and soundlessness were untouchable. She wanted to touch him but she stopped her hand before reaching his yellow face. Instead, she touched the supporting metal rail, surrounding his bed. Its cold sensation almost burned her hand. She looked at all those machines around the room which somehow were connected to his body, and her knowledge of nursing went completely blank.
Her life had turned inside out entirely in the last few hours. Gazing into space, she recalled her frantic call to the police. The woman on the other side of the line had had a hard time to understand her. In less than ten minutes, her house had filled with policemen, firefighters, and paramedics. One of them bumped against the suitcases in the living room. Anna apologetically cried: "We were going for our honeymoon this morning."
A detective asked her many questions, and bewildered Anna had no idea what had happened. She had not heard anything. Then she overheard them saying that the intruder had probably used a silencer. She did not know what a "silencer" was.
When she answered their question of where Steve worked, she saw a shocking glare in their eyes. She was certain that the assault had something to do with his job. As far as she knew there was nothing missing in their apartment. She had read stories and watched too many movies about CIA.
A young detective, she remembered, had been extremely kind to her. He had asked her to go and change to street clothes. Anna frantically asked him: "Is he dead?"
"No,... But we're taking him to the hospital."
She conjured up Steve's motionless body was put on a stretcher. She screamed when they put him in the ambulance. "I want to be with him." The young detective got hold of frantic Anna in the street. "I take you in my car to the hospital."
Their car had followed the ambulance. Anna looking at bright morning sun, was dried out of tears. Somehow she felt that all these were part of her dream. How could she stop that dreadful dream? Occasionally, the young detective asked her a question but when he realized her state of mind, he stopped.
In the hospital, she remembered, everyone was running. They rolled the stretcher to the emergency room. People were talking to her. They knew her. She thought that she knew them, too; but she couldn't recall that she worked in the same hospital. She wanted to run after the stretcher, where ever they were taking it; but just like her dream, she was unable to walk or run. A nurse that calling her by name, helped her inside and and asked her to sit and wait. Another nurse brought her a blanket and a cup of coffee. Then the young detective who had given her a ride, showed up.
"I know how you feel but I must ask you some questions!"
She nodded her head for yes.
"First is there anyone we need to call?"
She had forgotten completely about Steve's family, father, mother, Stacy... "Stacy,..." She said.
"Who is Stacy?"
"My friend, his sister,"
"What is her number?"
Anna could not remember the telephone number that had also been hers for a long time.
"What is her last name?"
"Williams,"
"Okay, who else?"
"Stacy, she..."
"Okay, I understand. She calls everyone."
Anna nodded her head.
As she was gazing at those despicable machines, which were supposed to help her husband, she saw nothing good in them when in came to her husband's survival. She remembered telling the young officer her frenzied story of the two men in the parking garage next to her car previous morning.
Many people, women and men, with white and blue uniform were in the room and disturbing her peaceful moment with Steve. She recognized the man with white uniform. "He is the surgeon." She knew him. She wanted to ask him what Steve's chances were, but the knot in her throat was so big and so poisonous that she could not talk. The doctor patted her shoulder and hugged her head. She thought, "He probably knows that I want to talk to him." Then she she saw Stacy and Charlie. Stacy was screaming. "Oh, Steve, oh, Steve..." Anna wondered why her friend was so very delirious! All she wanted at that moment was to be alone with Steve, to be in peace with him, to travel where he was traveling, to take the same path he was taking. It seemed so unusual to see him that quiet, that stagnant. No, that was not him. How could it be? She looked into the marching pictures again, all those images and shadows. Then she looked into his indefinite and faint face, closed eyes. She could see no expression. A man without expression! Nothing was there. She was not sure if that face had ever had a gesture! Then she collapsed, fainted, traveled into a ferocious sleep, hoping to dream that everything was a lie, an illusion.
In her dream, she was inside his body and could see his life was easing out fast. There was no gratitude, no fighting back. She was screaming at him, in her dream, "Fight back. Don't die." Then she wept. Slowly she opened her eyes. She knew it was over.
She still did not want to touch him; however, she knew if she did, his flesh would be icy, cold, and motionless. Her eyes burned; nevertheless, she could see that his entire existence was without life, laughter, tear, luster, love, and hope.
Suddenly she was not furious anymore but resentful, indigent, and offended. She was not frightened anymore but felt victimized; she was not vindictive but hopeless. She grimaced with a loud sigh. Her firm body and placid soul suddenly shivered by the ragging and savage journey she had taken with Steve, and then had left him and returned alone. She felt, how could she endure the unendurable? For the last time, she looked at his pale and yellow face and noticed a muscle in his face moved . Then life and pain both eased out of his ravaged body.
*
To Be Continued
In place of our love, a house is build in a field,
Where your soul is dressed in a green endlessness;
And I stand thinking of the word "YIELD".
*
Your life was the price of my kiss.
And our existence was predestined with that bargain.
We both hear the applause of the world in that abyss;
What a price, that was just a drain!
*
We thought we can't talk about any case.
So we talked about you and me
But do the words "YOU AND ME" have any grace,
When all other empty words are blown free?
*
Sinking deeply into the chair of the waiting room in the hospital, Anna was overpowered by Steve's shadow sitting on the sofa just the day before, and listening to her playing the piano. As his face was changing in her image, then she saw him quietly in his blood and struggling for his life, while she was deep in sleep and was having the nightmare with the wolf. Then she saw him collapsing on the floor, like an old movie she suddenly remembered; while it was obvious that he had not done anything to save himself and he was found on the bed. Then he pictured both of them in the airplane flying to Hawaii for their honeymoon. Then she had this pierce sensation that she could have stopped this offense before happening if she had not taken the sleeping pill. Why couldn't she? Why couldn't she stop it before he was ravaged?
They were in a same hospital that she worked. Everybody knew her. She knew them and the hospital; however, its smell clung to her body. Her state of awareness was an alternate one. She was alert yet unaware. The world beyond her mind and imagination was a frenzy one.
When she was allowed into his room, she stood by his bed still and motionless. Looking at him, she did not see him. She thought his stagnancy and soundlessness were untouchable. She wanted to touch him but she stopped her hand before reaching his yellow face. Instead, she touched the supporting metal rail, surrounding his bed. Its cold sensation almost burned her hand. She looked at all those machines around the room which somehow were connected to his body, and her knowledge of nursing went completely blank.
Her life had turned inside out entirely in the last few hours. Gazing into space, she recalled her frantic call to the police. The woman on the other side of the line had had a hard time to understand her. In less than ten minutes, her house had filled with policemen, firefighters, and paramedics. One of them bumped against the suitcases in the living room. Anna apologetically cried: "We were going for our honeymoon this morning."
A detective asked her many questions, and bewildered Anna had no idea what had happened. She had not heard anything. Then she overheard them saying that the intruder had probably used a silencer. She did not know what a "silencer" was.
When she answered their question of where Steve worked, she saw a shocking glare in their eyes. She was certain that the assault had something to do with his job. As far as she knew there was nothing missing in their apartment. She had read stories and watched too many movies about CIA.
A young detective, she remembered, had been extremely kind to her. He had asked her to go and change to street clothes. Anna frantically asked him: "Is he dead?"
"No,... But we're taking him to the hospital."
She conjured up Steve's motionless body was put on a stretcher. She screamed when they put him in the ambulance. "I want to be with him." The young detective got hold of frantic Anna in the street. "I take you in my car to the hospital."
Their car had followed the ambulance. Anna looking at bright morning sun, was dried out of tears. Somehow she felt that all these were part of her dream. How could she stop that dreadful dream? Occasionally, the young detective asked her a question but when he realized her state of mind, he stopped.
In the hospital, she remembered, everyone was running. They rolled the stretcher to the emergency room. People were talking to her. They knew her. She thought that she knew them, too; but she couldn't recall that she worked in the same hospital. She wanted to run after the stretcher, where ever they were taking it; but just like her dream, she was unable to walk or run. A nurse that calling her by name, helped her inside and and asked her to sit and wait. Another nurse brought her a blanket and a cup of coffee. Then the young detective who had given her a ride, showed up.
"I know how you feel but I must ask you some questions!"
She nodded her head for yes.
"First is there anyone we need to call?"
She had forgotten completely about Steve's family, father, mother, Stacy... "Stacy,..." She said.
"Who is Stacy?"
"My friend, his sister,"
"What is her number?"
Anna could not remember the telephone number that had also been hers for a long time.
"What is her last name?"
"Williams,"
"Okay, who else?"
"Stacy, she..."
"Okay, I understand. She calls everyone."
Anna nodded her head.
As she was gazing at those despicable machines, which were supposed to help her husband, she saw nothing good in them when in came to her husband's survival. She remembered telling the young officer her frenzied story of the two men in the parking garage next to her car previous morning.
Many people, women and men, with white and blue uniform were in the room and disturbing her peaceful moment with Steve. She recognized the man with white uniform. "He is the surgeon." She knew him. She wanted to ask him what Steve's chances were, but the knot in her throat was so big and so poisonous that she could not talk. The doctor patted her shoulder and hugged her head. She thought, "He probably knows that I want to talk to him." Then she she saw Stacy and Charlie. Stacy was screaming. "Oh, Steve, oh, Steve..." Anna wondered why her friend was so very delirious! All she wanted at that moment was to be alone with Steve, to be in peace with him, to travel where he was traveling, to take the same path he was taking. It seemed so unusual to see him that quiet, that stagnant. No, that was not him. How could it be? She looked into the marching pictures again, all those images and shadows. Then she looked into his indefinite and faint face, closed eyes. She could see no expression. A man without expression! Nothing was there. She was not sure if that face had ever had a gesture! Then she collapsed, fainted, traveled into a ferocious sleep, hoping to dream that everything was a lie, an illusion.
In her dream, she was inside his body and could see his life was easing out fast. There was no gratitude, no fighting back. She was screaming at him, in her dream, "Fight back. Don't die." Then she wept. Slowly she opened her eyes. She knew it was over.
She still did not want to touch him; however, she knew if she did, his flesh would be icy, cold, and motionless. Her eyes burned; nevertheless, she could see that his entire existence was without life, laughter, tear, luster, love, and hope.
Suddenly she was not furious anymore but resentful, indigent, and offended. She was not frightened anymore but felt victimized; she was not vindictive but hopeless. She grimaced with a loud sigh. Her firm body and placid soul suddenly shivered by the ragging and savage journey she had taken with Steve, and then had left him and returned alone. She felt, how could she endure the unendurable? For the last time, she looked at his pale and yellow face and noticed a muscle in his face moved . Then life and pain both eased out of his ravaged body.
*
To Be Continued
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