Secrets- ***** Chapter Five

Thui had a critical understanding of the psychological effect that her plan might have on her; and she had even more comprehension that she could not deny her purpose of life; therefore, her plan was a done deal no matter how she would feel later. It was like a fictional book, a story, her story. Nonetheless, she was caught in a turbulence of emotions. The baby had this soft, placid, round face, just like Chean. She seemed so vulnerable, too dependent on her. Thui fought her emotions and feelings for the baby by convincing herself that her life was more important than the baby's life. After a week, she even did not apply for birth certificate for the baby. She told her mother that she was too weak to leave the home, and she would do it when she would feel stronger. But she was as strong as before. Her body became normal very fast. All the walking she was doing, helped her to lose the baby fat. She wrapped this long muslin cloth around her stomach very tight and for five, six rounds and walked. She sweat all the fat out. She hated to see all the stretch lines on her skin. She wanted her body back to the way it used to be as soon as possible. The old man had called. He was coming back in two weeks.

It was not, however, an adverse time, because if the internal commotion occasionally slapped her, then often times boosted her to an amazing light. she was patient, almost drudgingly patient, who knew how to plan under duress, who kept her eyes on her goals, undeviating goals, and who did not accept any interruption.

Nevertheless, she felt her body going through convulsion involuntarily at her own despicable thoughts. But she knew life would force her to go through this suffering and she would come out of it victorious at the end. On rare occasions, she looked at the baby's eyes. Those eyes seemed silently begging, looking into her mother's eyes to see if she was ashamed of herself.

Who was she? She wondered herself! She was a strong, wild creature, who breathed suffering in the darkness of her soul through the hours of days and nights. But the hours went by, the nights became days like a regular pulse; and the imminent return of Harold aggrandized itself in her heart.

Sometimes she went out to the filed, leaving the baby at home alone. She would watch the rosy clouds break into pieces and changed colors as they moved towards the very deepness of the dark sky. The glowing color of clouds, seemed to her, was caught in fire, a hot red, just like the pain in her heart which was in its brightest intensity.

Most of the time it rained. She did not mind to get wet. She wanted those huge rain drops to come on her, to wet her face and body. She would lie on the wet grass just to get wet all over. She felt at those moments that nothing mattered anymore; and her existence daubed into a power beyond her control. The night wondered, slept, and hushed; and she tried to feel how the death would be like. But the desire for living would return sooner than she could imagine, and she would get up from that muddy earth and return home. Then she would feel that her plan was to be her renewal and selfhood.

Her heart stayed heavy. She had never experienced this heaviness of heart before. When she was with Chean, her emotions had seemed to be effecting her, but they never destroyed her will for living; but now she felt lamed, heart- broken.

Now Harold was to return in three days. She did not want him to know that she had a baby. That would ruin her plan; and what was her plan? She just simply wanted to cling herself to him so he would take her to America. Then, there, she would think of what to do next.

To Be Continued