In the week that Stacy was gone, beside doing spring cleaning and donating many things that she did not want anymore to charities, Anna did a lot of thinking, soul searching, and walking. She would graduate this May with a bachelor degree at age nineteen. This was her last semester. What would she do next. Her plan from beginning had been to go for her master degree and then her PhD. and to become a nursing professor. She was already working in a hospital as an intern. Her ability combined with intelligence and hard work was paying off. The hospital she was interning had offered her a permanent job when she would finish school and get her licence. What was it that keeping her there? was it higher education as she had planed from the begging before leaving Iran, or was it a hope, a false hope, like a far mirage in a Sahara. Pondering and introspecting, she finally made a decision. "I will go back home. I need to serve my people. They need me more than American. I will live like a nun. I will never get marry and completely dedicate myself to serve my people."
The insomniac nights without Stacy brought her a new habit. The first night without her friend, she got out of the bed at two in the morning, got dressed, and left for a walk. She was seeking a rhythm for her life and an inspiration for longevity's oscillation. She meandered aimlessly the streets close by. The inside of campus and outside were very secure area. In fact she saw many students who were roaming in the streets. As she left the campus, just outside the gate in the street, she noticed a small cafe/bar type of the store that was open. She wondered how she had never noticed this place! She went in. Besides the young bartender, there were a young couple, definitely students, sitting at a table next to window. The place was filled with smoke of theirs and bartender's cigarettes. The couple were drinking something yellow color in a very small glass, she learned later that they are shot glasses.
She approached the bartender and sat herself on the tall stool. This was her first time in a bar alone.
"Can't sleep? What would you like to drink?" He was annoyingly lively.
Anna felt out of place. She did not know how to leave while she was already seated. She did not want to stay because she was certain that bartender would want to talk to her.
"Coffee please."
He disappeared and then returned shortly after with a cup of steamy coffee. "Sugar and creme?"
"Yes please." She slowly sipped her coffee and occasionally glanced at the couple and the bartender. The couple were engaged in a heated conversation which seemed to her more like an argument. Bartender was busy cleaning and washing. She drank her coffee so fast that almost burned her mouth and then slipped down from the tall stool to leave. "How much do I owe you?"
"Would you like another cup, on the house?"
She had never heard the term"on the house" before. She did not know what it meant.
"What do you mean?" She exclaimed.
He looked amazed. "Means free."
She flushed. She thought the lonely bartender flirting with her. "No, I can pay for my coffee." Her voice was abrupt.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I always offer the second cup free to my customers." His voice abated explanatory.
Now Anna was ashamed of herself. She thought that as good as her English was, she still did not know many things specially when it came to slang. He was just a man, perhaps a student at same college, who was working at night and trying to make a conversation.
"Sure, I take another cup. Your coffee is delicious." She tried to override the charge.
He gave her an insightful glance." I've never seen you here before. Are you new to this area?"
"No, I live in the campus. I have an apartment there. How about you? Are you a student, too?'
"Yes, I go to school during the day and work four nights here."
"I thought that I've seen you somewhere." Anna now did not mind to talk to him.
"I can't afford to live in the campus. We have an apartment not very far. It is four of us that share it."
"Life is hard, isn't it?" She meant it.
"Ha...!" He interrupted himself. Another couple entered the bar.
The smoke in the room made Anna giddy; nonetheless, it had a sweet aroma that she decided to try it herself. Before leaving, she asked the bartender: "I want to buy a pack of cigarette."
"What kind do you want?"
Anna thought to herself: "What difference does it make?" She had no idea what kind she wanted. She pointed to the shelf. "That." It was Marlboro. She paid for her coffee and cigarette but before leaving, she asked him: "Can I have a match?"
"Sure!"
She left the bar. Out side the morning looked rich and assuring. She opened the pack in a way that tore the top part of it. She did not know there was a certain way to open a pack of cigarette. Anyway, she took one cigarette out and lit it. The first puff almost chocked her but she continued smoking. A strange dizziness invaded her body, but whatever it was, she liked it. It felt like being drunk. She walked more around the campus and smoked more.
The pale, full moon penetrated across the expansive sky, clarified the heart of life, and was biting primitively its own body in the acute, azure sky over the earth. A gentle breeze moved among the foliage. She wondered about the wind. She could see the movement of the branches but not the wind, just like standing next to an ocean and looking at the bubbles close to shore and thinking there must be a big body of water there.
It was five in the morning when she returned home and went to bed. That entire week, Spring break week, without her friend, Anna left home in the middle of night and went to that bar and had her delicious coffee and smoked.
To Be Continued
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Chapter Seventeen_______Closed Eyes
Lying on the sofa in the living room, Anna noticed the fragile lines of blooming dawn replacing the dark of the night coming through the drapes. They were reflected on the wall like shapeless lines of her exasperated feelings. She got up and walked to the window, pulling aside the drapes that blocking her view. The pale sun arcs were rising in far horizon. The campus was an ashen convolution of obscurities. The attenuated snow on the edges of walking path looked blue.
She thought about Steve. "Is he having a hard time to sleep? Is he thinking about me?" The memory of the night before was relieved in her mind and she wondered if Steve was reliving the event of the night before as she did. Was she special to him or just one of his dates? She did not know; nonetheless, it was very important to her to know the answer. She thought: "Surely at age twenty nine, he had dated many women!" She frowned at her own thought. "But am I the special one?"
She wondered that by acting smart and sometimes sarcastic rather than enjoying her time with him, she had perhaps antagonized him. Walking to the kitchen to drink water, she said loudly: "I'll find out." But then she recalled their last conversation, where he parked his car outside the gate of the campus.
"I had a good time." His smile was a forced one.
"So did I." Her smile was also a forced one. " I must go in now."
Suddenly he removed his hand from the steering wheel and placed it on her hand. She suffered. He sensed the shivering of that fine hand, and pulled his away, opened the door and walked to the other side of the car to open the door for her, but she was already out of the car. She noticed that there was something false in his smile. She offered her hand for a handshake; but instead, he hugged her gently. Anna unexpectedly pulled herself away from him. She was shaking all over. His pride was humiliated. He mistook her shaking for a dismay; however, her eyes said something different. He did not walk her to the apartment.
*
Spring came sooner than anyone could anticipate. Anna wanted terribly to go to Iran for her Spring Break which was also Iranian New Year; but her father told her that one week was not enough time for it. She got worried if her father's rejection was because of his dismay towards her or perhaps because he wanted to hide his extreme depression from his only child. Talking to Stacy about it did not help much.
"Your dad is right. One week is not enough time." And then she continued: "Why do you want to make a big issue about everything?"
To every one's surprise, this spring was exceptionally warm. The trees were already blooming in their pale, purple blossoms. The Cherry blossoms that were one of Washington's trade mark were already in full blooms and tourists from everywhere visiting to see them. The other trees had a glittering green luster. The little leaves on the branches unfolded from their rolled state to little leaves. The beautiful Washington was filled with spring flowers, flourishing trees, and a mild, soothing breeze. It was an extraordinary spring.
Stacy offered Anna to go to her parents' home for that week. Anna politely refused. She needed to be alone for awhile. She had not heard a word from Steve since that one date they had had about a months and half ago; and her pride would not allow her to ask Stacy about him. All she knew were things that she had learned in casual conversation with Stacy. She knew that he was overseas for awhile concerning his job. She was certain now that Steve was not thinking about her. "I antagonized him that night." She felt sure of it. She had pondered ever since that one date. "How come he didn't say good bye to me before leaving!" Finally she came to understanding that it was over. "So, let it be that way."
To Be Continued
She thought about Steve. "Is he having a hard time to sleep? Is he thinking about me?" The memory of the night before was relieved in her mind and she wondered if Steve was reliving the event of the night before as she did. Was she special to him or just one of his dates? She did not know; nonetheless, it was very important to her to know the answer. She thought: "Surely at age twenty nine, he had dated many women!" She frowned at her own thought. "But am I the special one?"
She wondered that by acting smart and sometimes sarcastic rather than enjoying her time with him, she had perhaps antagonized him. Walking to the kitchen to drink water, she said loudly: "I'll find out." But then she recalled their last conversation, where he parked his car outside the gate of the campus.
"I had a good time." His smile was a forced one.
"So did I." Her smile was also a forced one. " I must go in now."
Suddenly he removed his hand from the steering wheel and placed it on her hand. She suffered. He sensed the shivering of that fine hand, and pulled his away, opened the door and walked to the other side of the car to open the door for her, but she was already out of the car. She noticed that there was something false in his smile. She offered her hand for a handshake; but instead, he hugged her gently. Anna unexpectedly pulled herself away from him. She was shaking all over. His pride was humiliated. He mistook her shaking for a dismay; however, her eyes said something different. He did not walk her to the apartment.
*
Spring came sooner than anyone could anticipate. Anna wanted terribly to go to Iran for her Spring Break which was also Iranian New Year; but her father told her that one week was not enough time for it. She got worried if her father's rejection was because of his dismay towards her or perhaps because he wanted to hide his extreme depression from his only child. Talking to Stacy about it did not help much.
"Your dad is right. One week is not enough time." And then she continued: "Why do you want to make a big issue about everything?"
To every one's surprise, this spring was exceptionally warm. The trees were already blooming in their pale, purple blossoms. The Cherry blossoms that were one of Washington's trade mark were already in full blooms and tourists from everywhere visiting to see them. The other trees had a glittering green luster. The little leaves on the branches unfolded from their rolled state to little leaves. The beautiful Washington was filled with spring flowers, flourishing trees, and a mild, soothing breeze. It was an extraordinary spring.
Stacy offered Anna to go to her parents' home for that week. Anna politely refused. She needed to be alone for awhile. She had not heard a word from Steve since that one date they had had about a months and half ago; and her pride would not allow her to ask Stacy about him. All she knew were things that she had learned in casual conversation with Stacy. She knew that he was overseas for awhile concerning his job. She was certain now that Steve was not thinking about her. "I antagonized him that night." She felt sure of it. She had pondered ever since that one date. "How come he didn't say good bye to me before leaving!" Finally she came to understanding that it was over. "So, let it be that way."
To Be Continued
Chapter Seventeen, Closed Eyes
Why doesn't enchanting beauty subsist?
And if it is there, why can't we find it?
I see a big ocean, but it is not ocean, it's a mist.
And all I see is bubble of indefinite.
I see the sky that doesn't exist.
It is only a mass of blue out there.
It is not even blue but reflection of a mist.
Ans sun, moon, and stars hang steadily to their share.
Without a wind, dust wouldn't revolve.
And I see dust, but wind can not be seen.
Indiscernible ocean, wind, and sky dissolve
Into bubbles, dust, and blue in between.
Talking about visible or unseen is just an act.
Listening to thoughts are what we lack.
With open eyes which are closed in fact,
We turn universe upside down and black.
*
In bed, Anna closed her eyes but her consciousness was obstructed. She remembered how she used to look at the pictures of the people who had become other people. Now, looking at herself, she understood why people become others and change, why they get old. She was someone else herself.
To Stacy's question, who was still awake when she got home, she simply said: "We just had dinner in the same restaurant we went once together."
"Is that it? How did it go?"
"I talk about it tomorrow." What Anna really meant was to leave me alone. She needed to digest the whole situation on her own before talking about it to her friend. What was it that she needed to assimilate? Two young people had dinner and conversation. Was that too hard to understand? It was to her! She yearned to be like a mirror which never retain things that are gone. She felt tired of living in her own tragedy, her brother's tragic life. Her wisdom was tired of it, but it was her heart that ruled her brain.
She thought of all good memories with Aria, their growing up, the sneaky things they did clandestinely from their parents, and many other joys they shared. As a smile blossomed on her lips remembering those, she felt that one recollection from youth could keep a man from suicide, lead him away from hopelessness and despair. She wondered and questioned her brother's vision: "Didn't he have those memories?" She thought. "There is no reckoning with life."
*
As Anna gently bating Joseph, she remembered the time that his warmth had invaded her, shivering away her last chill. She introspected his laughter in his heart as she had nestled into him, while her eyes had filled with tears at his innocence of happiness. Then she had felt that his body dissipating into her and sinking away. Then they had had a vigorous passage of life; now everything was lethargic. Nonetheless, Anna worshipped every second of her time with her dying Joseph.
Should a stranger witnessed this slow dying of a body and soul, he would perhaps had an unmistakable perception that both were not living but existing, that both were disappearing in a deliberate, deviating way. Out there, city was full of lights and nameless people; inside, she was obstinate because their conditions were also baffling. The despicable attribute, to her, was a gratification falsely was considered sweetness. She questioned in her mind love, love to others, nature, the Creator, material things, and love between a man and a woman. She introspected an earlier conversation she had had with Joseph, when he was not sick.
"Why do we love what we love? What makes me to love you and you to love me or whoever that loves someone?"
Joseph had smirked at the depth of her very simple question. "We can love completely without entirely understand it."
His intelligible answer had brought a glow to her eyes; however she retorted: "Are you saying that we love without consciousness?"
"No, no, that is not what I said. Our awareness is always intact, but most of the times, we don't know it, like loving what we love."
Even though Anna had a hard time to comprehend entirely what he said, she had understood somewhat. His ability of being a natural teacher, perhaps, was one of the element in her cognizance that made her to love him, for she loved to learn.
*
To Be Continued
And if it is there, why can't we find it?
I see a big ocean, but it is not ocean, it's a mist.
And all I see is bubble of indefinite.
I see the sky that doesn't exist.
It is only a mass of blue out there.
It is not even blue but reflection of a mist.
Ans sun, moon, and stars hang steadily to their share.
Without a wind, dust wouldn't revolve.
And I see dust, but wind can not be seen.
Indiscernible ocean, wind, and sky dissolve
Into bubbles, dust, and blue in between.
Talking about visible or unseen is just an act.
Listening to thoughts are what we lack.
With open eyes which are closed in fact,
We turn universe upside down and black.
*
In bed, Anna closed her eyes but her consciousness was obstructed. She remembered how she used to look at the pictures of the people who had become other people. Now, looking at herself, she understood why people become others and change, why they get old. She was someone else herself.
To Stacy's question, who was still awake when she got home, she simply said: "We just had dinner in the same restaurant we went once together."
"Is that it? How did it go?"
"I talk about it tomorrow." What Anna really meant was to leave me alone. She needed to digest the whole situation on her own before talking about it to her friend. What was it that she needed to assimilate? Two young people had dinner and conversation. Was that too hard to understand? It was to her! She yearned to be like a mirror which never retain things that are gone. She felt tired of living in her own tragedy, her brother's tragic life. Her wisdom was tired of it, but it was her heart that ruled her brain.
She thought of all good memories with Aria, their growing up, the sneaky things they did clandestinely from their parents, and many other joys they shared. As a smile blossomed on her lips remembering those, she felt that one recollection from youth could keep a man from suicide, lead him away from hopelessness and despair. She wondered and questioned her brother's vision: "Didn't he have those memories?" She thought. "There is no reckoning with life."
*
As Anna gently bating Joseph, she remembered the time that his warmth had invaded her, shivering away her last chill. She introspected his laughter in his heart as she had nestled into him, while her eyes had filled with tears at his innocence of happiness. Then she had felt that his body dissipating into her and sinking away. Then they had had a vigorous passage of life; now everything was lethargic. Nonetheless, Anna worshipped every second of her time with her dying Joseph.
Should a stranger witnessed this slow dying of a body and soul, he would perhaps had an unmistakable perception that both were not living but existing, that both were disappearing in a deliberate, deviating way. Out there, city was full of lights and nameless people; inside, she was obstinate because their conditions were also baffling. The despicable attribute, to her, was a gratification falsely was considered sweetness. She questioned in her mind love, love to others, nature, the Creator, material things, and love between a man and a woman. She introspected an earlier conversation she had had with Joseph, when he was not sick.
"Why do we love what we love? What makes me to love you and you to love me or whoever that loves someone?"
Joseph had smirked at the depth of her very simple question. "We can love completely without entirely understand it."
His intelligible answer had brought a glow to her eyes; however she retorted: "Are you saying that we love without consciousness?"
"No, no, that is not what I said. Our awareness is always intact, but most of the times, we don't know it, like loving what we love."
Even though Anna had a hard time to comprehend entirely what he said, she had understood somewhat. His ability of being a natural teacher, perhaps, was one of the element in her cognizance that made her to love him, for she loved to learn.
*
To Be Continued
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Chapter Sixteen______Cloudy Past
In the restaurant, as usual they got a very special treatment. They were given the best table in a corner. There was a man made blue-lit canal full of gurgling water with a gondola in it. Anna did not remember that she had seen this the first time they had come here with Stacy. But that time was New Years eve and they were sitting close to the bar. That body of water created an ambiance like they were dining in Venice. Their table was surrounded by the wrought iron fence and inside the fence was decorated with natural flowers and plants. Anna had never seen anything like this. In the back ground, she could hear the pianist was playing a soft music.
"Would you like wine or do you like to try a new drink?" He asked her, looking into her eyes.
"I think I just go with what I know. It's hard to experience new things." She said it with a little smirk in the corner of her lips.
"I agree with you. But life introduces us to new things everyday and if we don't want to try them, we may as well die. I think you're very experienced when it comes to trying new things." His remark sounded sarcastic, but he did not mean it that way.
"I try and challenge new things for greater consequences not little things like a new drink!" It was obvious that she was hurt and wanted to get even with him.
Steve realized that right away and felt that their being together was not a date but a battle. He liked it anyway.
"You have answer for everything."He said and turned to the waiter who was waiting to take their order.
"Two white wine!" Waiter walked away.
"I'm surprised that you didn't order whisky for yourself."
"I know that you're very observant. You even know what kind of drink I like. On the other hand, it seems to me that you're feeling better these days." He forced a smile.
"First, it doesn't need to be observant. You always order whisky. Second what do you mean that I feel better these days. I never felt bad." For some odd reason, Anna could not let go of the attitude she had chosen.
"Yes, you felt bad, after your brother's death you were miserable, Stacy told me."
She sighed. Her face became overcast and motionless. Steve saw that and rebuked himself for reminding her of that tragedy.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, it is all right. My brother's death is a fact of life that my family and I have to accept it. However, death is not an event of one time; it is a continuous remembering and relieving it for the people who are left behind. I have come to that realization after a long time mourning. I have not forgotten the death of my brother but I have pushed it deep in me because if I let that sadness rule my life, I can't do what is necessary to make my old man proud."
At the this point the waiter brought their wines and two glasses of water. He wanted to take their order, but Steve said to come back later for that. After the waiter left, Steve said:
"You like your father a lot, don't you, more than your mother?"
"I like them both equally. But I respect my father a lot. He is a very exceptional human being."
"Stacy told me that you and your father had disagreement before!"
"Yes, it's true. But I've proven myself to him and I've changed him. Now he treats me as though I am a boy."
"I know of that kind of culture that men like their sons more than their daughter."
"No, no, that is not true. They like them both the same; but they want their sons to follow their footstep and their daughters just to be a good woman and marry respectable men."
"So you changed your father so he thinks differently now?"
"Yes, I did. My father and I got to know and respect each other when troubles with Aria started. Then he realized while he wanted his son to be like him, strong and manly, his daughter turned out to be like him. Then he began trusting me. It didn't happen overnight. It took its gradual course. When I noticed his joyless face, his motionless, dark eyes, I made it possible for him to gain a little delight in that time of tribulation..."
"You know, you talk very eloquently." Steve had to interrupt her to compliment her.
"Thank you. You know, when I went to Iran for Aria's funeral, there was this heavy and long silence among all of us. I thought then that my father was disappearing in his despondency. I told him if you're here, talk about it loudly. Don't hide what happened or how you're tormented, and how you've reached this point of hopelessness. He opened up to me. He talked to me. He told me of his depression and gloom. We spent hours everyday together. I miss that now."
"I understand. But isn't your being far from them, what you wanted badly enough to go through what you did, contradict your utmost feelings for them?" He inquired gently.
"Yes and no. I don't think I wanted to be far from them, even though at the time I felt like it. I wanted to have the identical opportunity, as my brother did, to test my life and my chances." She paused for a moment and then continued: "I didn't want to live like my mother or other women I knew."
"I don't blame you. You're too intelligent for that kind of life. He stretched his hand and touched her fingers. He had dynamic eyes then. Anna shuddered by that touch and pulled her hands and put them on her knees.
"I'm sorry." He flushed.
At this point, he called the waiter and he took their orders. Anna let Steve order for her. He ordered some kind of veal dish with roasted potato, vegetable of the day, spinach, and lemon pepper sauce. While sipping her wine, she had this strange desire to ask him a question that had long caused her to be curious. Finally the effect of wine enabled her to ask him the long overdue question:
"Do you ever wonder who your real parents are?" Stammered she.
He gazed thoughtfully into space, feeling stifled beneath her gaze.
"My real parents are the Williams. No, actually I did when I was a teenager but not anymore. I have had a good life, good parents and sister. Why would I be curious?"
"I don't know. It's just if I were you, probably I was curious to know."
"You're not me. And you haven't been in my situation. For what ever reason, my biological parents didn't want me. I was lucky enough that good people like my parents adopted me. They have cared for me as though I am their own." His voice passed his prime and showed the discomfort of talking about this sensitive subject.
"You don't like this subject. You're angry."
"Yes, I don't like the subject. No, I'm not angry. But let's talk about it and get it over with; because I know you want to know. Is there anything else you want to know?" He talked with execration.
Anna thought for a moment and then asked: "Yes, just one question. How old were you when they told you about this?"
"I was fourteen years old."
"How did you feel? Were you sad, angry, upset?"
"I was devastated, angry, and I cried. I screamed but only for a day. Their love and care gave me the energy to recover from the shock."
"They are very good people, your parents!"
"I know."
"I promise I never ask you these kind of question again." She said.
"I believe you." He said immutably.
"You're lucky since your entire past is cloudless and holly." She said in a hesitating voice.
"Does it mean that yours is cloudy and unholy? Everyone has some kind of cloud in his or her past. But life must go on."
Anna looked at him passionately. His tall and handsome figure, his strong hands, his ingenious face with gloomy eyes that changed with his smile, everything in him was naturally enchanting and alive; even his voice was calm and harmonious with the aura of his appearance.
"The only cloud I see in my past, is my brother's death. We were very close. At one point, he was my mentor; but at the end our roles switched. I became his mentor; even though in his injured soul he didn't want to admit it. I can't believe how an emotional outburst, like in his case his wife's betrayal, can change an optimistic person like him to what he was at the end. Yes, Aria's life and death are the only cloud I see in my past. It's hard to forget or let go." Her voice was trembling by emotion.
A grave silence ensued. Words died on Steve's lips. The gratified sadness influenced them both; and Anna chastised herself for carrying so much gloom with her, everywhere she went. Apologetically, she looked at him and this time she reached for his hand and touched his finger.
"I'm sorry. It seems that I ruined your evening." She said.
Steve, as though was in another world, trembled by her talk and touch. He caressed her hand.
"Don't apologize. I understand. If something happens to Stacy, I would be devastated, too."
The waiter came. "Is everything okay? would you like some dessert?"
"No, thanks, I am full. The food was delicious." She responded.
"Everything is wonderful. I like coffee. Anna, would you like coffee, too?" He had a false smile on his face. Anna shook her head for no. She was giddy and confused. She had hidden feeling for this man while thinking: "He will never ask me out again."
"would you like to dance, Anna?" Steve broke the ongoing silence while waiting for his coffee.
"It's late. We better go home." She said in half whisper; but her eyes said something different:" Yes, I love to dance with you."
Steve's pride was humiliated.
Outside, the crisp cold air struck them both. She looked at horizon where moon and stars were enveloped by clouds. As she was going into the car, she noticed that the edge of the clouds were violet color.
To Be Continued
"Would you like wine or do you like to try a new drink?" He asked her, looking into her eyes.
"I think I just go with what I know. It's hard to experience new things." She said it with a little smirk in the corner of her lips.
"I agree with you. But life introduces us to new things everyday and if we don't want to try them, we may as well die. I think you're very experienced when it comes to trying new things." His remark sounded sarcastic, but he did not mean it that way.
"I try and challenge new things for greater consequences not little things like a new drink!" It was obvious that she was hurt and wanted to get even with him.
Steve realized that right away and felt that their being together was not a date but a battle. He liked it anyway.
"You have answer for everything."He said and turned to the waiter who was waiting to take their order.
"Two white wine!" Waiter walked away.
"I'm surprised that you didn't order whisky for yourself."
"I know that you're very observant. You even know what kind of drink I like. On the other hand, it seems to me that you're feeling better these days." He forced a smile.
"First, it doesn't need to be observant. You always order whisky. Second what do you mean that I feel better these days. I never felt bad." For some odd reason, Anna could not let go of the attitude she had chosen.
"Yes, you felt bad, after your brother's death you were miserable, Stacy told me."
She sighed. Her face became overcast and motionless. Steve saw that and rebuked himself for reminding her of that tragedy.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, it is all right. My brother's death is a fact of life that my family and I have to accept it. However, death is not an event of one time; it is a continuous remembering and relieving it for the people who are left behind. I have come to that realization after a long time mourning. I have not forgotten the death of my brother but I have pushed it deep in me because if I let that sadness rule my life, I can't do what is necessary to make my old man proud."
At the this point the waiter brought their wines and two glasses of water. He wanted to take their order, but Steve said to come back later for that. After the waiter left, Steve said:
"You like your father a lot, don't you, more than your mother?"
"I like them both equally. But I respect my father a lot. He is a very exceptional human being."
"Stacy told me that you and your father had disagreement before!"
"Yes, it's true. But I've proven myself to him and I've changed him. Now he treats me as though I am a boy."
"I know of that kind of culture that men like their sons more than their daughter."
"No, no, that is not true. They like them both the same; but they want their sons to follow their footstep and their daughters just to be a good woman and marry respectable men."
"So you changed your father so he thinks differently now?"
"Yes, I did. My father and I got to know and respect each other when troubles with Aria started. Then he realized while he wanted his son to be like him, strong and manly, his daughter turned out to be like him. Then he began trusting me. It didn't happen overnight. It took its gradual course. When I noticed his joyless face, his motionless, dark eyes, I made it possible for him to gain a little delight in that time of tribulation..."
"You know, you talk very eloquently." Steve had to interrupt her to compliment her.
"Thank you. You know, when I went to Iran for Aria's funeral, there was this heavy and long silence among all of us. I thought then that my father was disappearing in his despondency. I told him if you're here, talk about it loudly. Don't hide what happened or how you're tormented, and how you've reached this point of hopelessness. He opened up to me. He talked to me. He told me of his depression and gloom. We spent hours everyday together. I miss that now."
"I understand. But isn't your being far from them, what you wanted badly enough to go through what you did, contradict your utmost feelings for them?" He inquired gently.
"Yes and no. I don't think I wanted to be far from them, even though at the time I felt like it. I wanted to have the identical opportunity, as my brother did, to test my life and my chances." She paused for a moment and then continued: "I didn't want to live like my mother or other women I knew."
"I don't blame you. You're too intelligent for that kind of life. He stretched his hand and touched her fingers. He had dynamic eyes then. Anna shuddered by that touch and pulled her hands and put them on her knees.
"I'm sorry." He flushed.
At this point, he called the waiter and he took their orders. Anna let Steve order for her. He ordered some kind of veal dish with roasted potato, vegetable of the day, spinach, and lemon pepper sauce. While sipping her wine, she had this strange desire to ask him a question that had long caused her to be curious. Finally the effect of wine enabled her to ask him the long overdue question:
"Do you ever wonder who your real parents are?" Stammered she.
He gazed thoughtfully into space, feeling stifled beneath her gaze.
"My real parents are the Williams. No, actually I did when I was a teenager but not anymore. I have had a good life, good parents and sister. Why would I be curious?"
"I don't know. It's just if I were you, probably I was curious to know."
"You're not me. And you haven't been in my situation. For what ever reason, my biological parents didn't want me. I was lucky enough that good people like my parents adopted me. They have cared for me as though I am their own." His voice passed his prime and showed the discomfort of talking about this sensitive subject.
"You don't like this subject. You're angry."
"Yes, I don't like the subject. No, I'm not angry. But let's talk about it and get it over with; because I know you want to know. Is there anything else you want to know?" He talked with execration.
Anna thought for a moment and then asked: "Yes, just one question. How old were you when they told you about this?"
"I was fourteen years old."
"How did you feel? Were you sad, angry, upset?"
"I was devastated, angry, and I cried. I screamed but only for a day. Their love and care gave me the energy to recover from the shock."
"They are very good people, your parents!"
"I know."
"I promise I never ask you these kind of question again." She said.
"I believe you." He said immutably.
"You're lucky since your entire past is cloudless and holly." She said in a hesitating voice.
"Does it mean that yours is cloudy and unholy? Everyone has some kind of cloud in his or her past. But life must go on."
Anna looked at him passionately. His tall and handsome figure, his strong hands, his ingenious face with gloomy eyes that changed with his smile, everything in him was naturally enchanting and alive; even his voice was calm and harmonious with the aura of his appearance.
"The only cloud I see in my past, is my brother's death. We were very close. At one point, he was my mentor; but at the end our roles switched. I became his mentor; even though in his injured soul he didn't want to admit it. I can't believe how an emotional outburst, like in his case his wife's betrayal, can change an optimistic person like him to what he was at the end. Yes, Aria's life and death are the only cloud I see in my past. It's hard to forget or let go." Her voice was trembling by emotion.
A grave silence ensued. Words died on Steve's lips. The gratified sadness influenced them both; and Anna chastised herself for carrying so much gloom with her, everywhere she went. Apologetically, she looked at him and this time she reached for his hand and touched his finger.
"I'm sorry. It seems that I ruined your evening." She said.
Steve, as though was in another world, trembled by her talk and touch. He caressed her hand.
"Don't apologize. I understand. If something happens to Stacy, I would be devastated, too."
The waiter came. "Is everything okay? would you like some dessert?"
"No, thanks, I am full. The food was delicious." She responded.
"Everything is wonderful. I like coffee. Anna, would you like coffee, too?" He had a false smile on his face. Anna shook her head for no. She was giddy and confused. She had hidden feeling for this man while thinking: "He will never ask me out again."
"would you like to dance, Anna?" Steve broke the ongoing silence while waiting for his coffee.
"It's late. We better go home." She said in half whisper; but her eyes said something different:" Yes, I love to dance with you."
Steve's pride was humiliated.
Outside, the crisp cold air struck them both. She looked at horizon where moon and stars were enveloped by clouds. As she was going into the car, she noticed that the edge of the clouds were violet color.
To Be Continued
Monday, June 14, 2010
Chapter Sixteen, Cloudy Past
"Isn't this an an opera by Beethoven playing in your car's recorder?' Anna finally broke the silence.
"Yes, it is. I'm impressed that you recognized it." Steve's overcast attitude suddenly bloomed.
"I can't recognized all classical music, but I love this particular one. I have the tape of it, too. I read Beethoven's biography by Romain Rolland, the French writer, many years ago. Do you know he was deaf and could not hear his own music? In fact, in a famous document about his life, he declared to his two brothers the truth of his incipient deafness and his internal feelings for this tragedy. That letter was dated in 1802, while he had another twenty five years to live. The deterioration of his general health and added emotional pain of his deafness increased tremendously during those years. By his mid forties, he was completely deaf." Anna spoke excitedly. The subject was very fresh and amazing in her mind. "Isn't this remarkable?"
"It's remarkable; and I am extremely impressed by you. You know a lot for your age. Not all nineteen years old are as well read as you are; especially considering where you've come from. You must know music very well!"
"Yes and no. I know music a little. I play piano and violin. And what do you mean by considering where I've come from? what difference does it make where people are from?" It was obvious that she was offended.
"First I am moved that you play piano and violin. I didn't know that; and second it doesn't make any difference where people have come from. It's just we American are ignorant when it comes to other countries' culture and custom especially the part of world that you came from."
"I've recognized that. But don't you, as a CIA agent, supposed to know more than ordinary crowd about other people's culture?'
Steve shuddered by her sarcastic remark; however, he secretly admired the brightness and presence of the mind of this young woman.
"It's seems that you've done your homework about CIA, where I work?" He wanted to get even with her.
"Why not? I needed to know who am I going out with. The name CIA brings a chill to my bones. It reminds me of Savak, the Shah's organization for intelligence services."
"I know of Savak. CIA and Savak are very different. Savak was organized for the threat of the Shah's domestic enemies; while CIA was established because of the world communism."
"But isn't that secret organization against the inherent and free American society?"
"Yes, you're absolutely right. Even the Congress realized that danger when CIA was established in 1947. However it was promised that CIA would not get involved in any kind of police work or any act on any domestic affairs."
"Do you believe that?" She forced a smile.
After a minute of silence, Steve said: "You know, I really don't want to say anything about CIA!"
"Why? Are you afraid that I may say it to others?"
"No, I'm not. I trust you; but we are not supposed to discuss the details even to our family."
Oh, very mysterious!"
"Let's enjoy ourselves tonight and forget about politics and policies. What do you say?"
She realized that he was not comfortable to continue this conversation; therefore, she immediately changed the subject.
"Where are we going?"
"I thought we go to the same restaurant we went with Stacy. I think you liked it."
"Yes, I did. I liked it very much."
To Be Continued
"Yes, it is. I'm impressed that you recognized it." Steve's overcast attitude suddenly bloomed.
"I can't recognized all classical music, but I love this particular one. I have the tape of it, too. I read Beethoven's biography by Romain Rolland, the French writer, many years ago. Do you know he was deaf and could not hear his own music? In fact, in a famous document about his life, he declared to his two brothers the truth of his incipient deafness and his internal feelings for this tragedy. That letter was dated in 1802, while he had another twenty five years to live. The deterioration of his general health and added emotional pain of his deafness increased tremendously during those years. By his mid forties, he was completely deaf." Anna spoke excitedly. The subject was very fresh and amazing in her mind. "Isn't this remarkable?"
"It's remarkable; and I am extremely impressed by you. You know a lot for your age. Not all nineteen years old are as well read as you are; especially considering where you've come from. You must know music very well!"
"Yes and no. I know music a little. I play piano and violin. And what do you mean by considering where I've come from? what difference does it make where people are from?" It was obvious that she was offended.
"First I am moved that you play piano and violin. I didn't know that; and second it doesn't make any difference where people have come from. It's just we American are ignorant when it comes to other countries' culture and custom especially the part of world that you came from."
"I've recognized that. But don't you, as a CIA agent, supposed to know more than ordinary crowd about other people's culture?'
Steve shuddered by her sarcastic remark; however, he secretly admired the brightness and presence of the mind of this young woman.
"It's seems that you've done your homework about CIA, where I work?" He wanted to get even with her.
"Why not? I needed to know who am I going out with. The name CIA brings a chill to my bones. It reminds me of Savak, the Shah's organization for intelligence services."
"I know of Savak. CIA and Savak are very different. Savak was organized for the threat of the Shah's domestic enemies; while CIA was established because of the world communism."
"But isn't that secret organization against the inherent and free American society?"
"Yes, you're absolutely right. Even the Congress realized that danger when CIA was established in 1947. However it was promised that CIA would not get involved in any kind of police work or any act on any domestic affairs."
"Do you believe that?" She forced a smile.
After a minute of silence, Steve said: "You know, I really don't want to say anything about CIA!"
"Why? Are you afraid that I may say it to others?"
"No, I'm not. I trust you; but we are not supposed to discuss the details even to our family."
Oh, very mysterious!"
"Let's enjoy ourselves tonight and forget about politics and policies. What do you say?"
She realized that he was not comfortable to continue this conversation; therefore, she immediately changed the subject.
"Where are we going?"
"I thought we go to the same restaurant we went with Stacy. I think you liked it."
"Yes, I did. I liked it very much."
To Be Continued
Chapter Sixteen, Cloudy Past
My fate was to pair
In exile of bitterness and despair.
I carried my home in my soul;
And among others played my role.
And laid my hand on others' hands
Smiled with tears on dry sands.
And from my burning palm,
Blood overflowed some.
And it made others alive,
Now I can thrive.
*
Never had Anna been in such abstract situation. She had thought, up to then, that between a woman and a man had to be a discernment about right, wrong, possible, and impossible things. Here she was in a car with a man, she had hidden feeling for, and did not dare to begin a conversation because her overwhelming shyness, fear and strong emotion stopped all her senses to act normal. In fact, she was shaking all over as though she was freezing of cold.
"Are you cold? I raise the heat in the car."
She thought how perspective he was that noticed her shaking in the darkness of the car; nonetheless, at the same time she thought: "How can he mistake my fear and anxiety with being cold?" She needed the assurance of this man that what she was doing was not an evil or degenerate act. But he did not understand it. How could he? She needed a mentor, an advisor at that moment, not an assumed grandiosity or inadequacy of receptiveness.
"Why am I here with him?" She always asked that question from herself for every occasion; nevertheless, at the same time she rebuked herself for not being able to drive away her endless, gloomy thoughts. She felt as though her sadness, fear, and anxiety would flow over him; and he would become internally more silent. she felt she needed to break this wall of silence before it would break them. How could she initiate a talk yet save her pride? Fidelio, the only opera that Beethoven composed, was played in the tape recorder. She always enjoyed classical or operatic music and had a great appreciation for any kind of great and noted art. She knew this one very well. she knew that it was adapted on a text by Joseph Sonnleihner from a French Original. She did not know much about all the classical music, even though she loved to listen to them; however, she understood them enough to start a conversation.
To Be Continued
In exile of bitterness and despair.
I carried my home in my soul;
And among others played my role.
And laid my hand on others' hands
Smiled with tears on dry sands.
And from my burning palm,
Blood overflowed some.
And it made others alive,
Now I can thrive.
*
Never had Anna been in such abstract situation. She had thought, up to then, that between a woman and a man had to be a discernment about right, wrong, possible, and impossible things. Here she was in a car with a man, she had hidden feeling for, and did not dare to begin a conversation because her overwhelming shyness, fear and strong emotion stopped all her senses to act normal. In fact, she was shaking all over as though she was freezing of cold.
"Are you cold? I raise the heat in the car."
She thought how perspective he was that noticed her shaking in the darkness of the car; nonetheless, at the same time she thought: "How can he mistake my fear and anxiety with being cold?" She needed the assurance of this man that what she was doing was not an evil or degenerate act. But he did not understand it. How could he? She needed a mentor, an advisor at that moment, not an assumed grandiosity or inadequacy of receptiveness.
"Why am I here with him?" She always asked that question from herself for every occasion; nevertheless, at the same time she rebuked herself for not being able to drive away her endless, gloomy thoughts. She felt as though her sadness, fear, and anxiety would flow over him; and he would become internally more silent. she felt she needed to break this wall of silence before it would break them. How could she initiate a talk yet save her pride? Fidelio, the only opera that Beethoven composed, was played in the tape recorder. She always enjoyed classical or operatic music and had a great appreciation for any kind of great and noted art. She knew this one very well. she knew that it was adapted on a text by Joseph Sonnleihner from a French Original. She did not know much about all the classical music, even though she loved to listen to them; however, she understood them enough to start a conversation.
To Be Continued
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Chapter Fifteen}}}}A sweet, Bitter Dream
Anna sank into her thoughts. She knew and believed that her friend was right, but a big part of her resented that opinion.
"If I go on a date with Steve, will you go with us?"
"Don't be silly! He's not going to bite you. Neither of you needs chaperon."
After two days of thinking and soul searching and debating the emotional differences, Anna finally agreed to go on a date. Stacy was overwhelmed to hear the news. She liked the idea of her brother and her best friend dating each other. As Saturday was getting close, Anna roamed like a vagrant in her thoughts. She was happy and sad, excited and regretful. She just was not sure if she was doing the right thing. To Stacy that asked her what she is going to wear, she said:
"Oh, no big deal, something simple."
But it took her an hour to pick up something simple that made her look womanly. Steve came right at seven. When he arrived, Anna was in the bedroom and Stacy greeted her brother.
"She is very shy and conservative; don't run her away!" Stacy's comment to her brother seemed like an ultimatum.
"I know that. I am not going to do any intimate thing with her. I just like to get to know her better. There is a mysterious halo around her that puzzles me. I am just fascinated by her."
"I know, she is not only fascinating but very smart and intelligent. She's never dated before. I'm just worried for her. Don't play with her feeling."Stacy spoke as she thought.
"You like her, don't you? This is the first time I see you've found a real friend. She must be very special." He forced a smile.
"Yes, I like her a lot. I don't want her to get hurt. Her brother's death nearly crushed her. But she is very resilient. Unfortunately she doesn't know it herself."
Steve understood his sister very well. Never before had Stacy brought a friend to their parents' home. Anna came out from the bedroom. She shuddered when she saw Steve, even though she knew he was already there. But very quickly she took control of herself. She had on a long, black skirt with a red sweater, a black wool long jacket, and leather boots. She was wearing the same scarf that she had worn on her birthday and New Year's Eve. She had her hair half up and half down. Her brown hair had that natural shine in it that everyone complimented on. Her only jewelry was a pair of gold earrings from Iran which had a few strand of gold dangling from them. She was wearing a soft make up that almost was invisible.
Steve got up from his chair and walked to her and shook her hand. His hand was warm and wet.
"He is nervous, too." Anna thought.
"Are you ready? Can we go?"
Anna shook her head and looked at Stacy. She had a smile on her face. Somehow Anna was expecting her friend's approval for the last time. Stacy read her mind. She also got up from her chair and walked to Anna and hugged her.
"Go, go, he is not going to bite you." And she began laughing.
Anna hugged back Stacy, and they left.
To Be Continued
"If I go on a date with Steve, will you go with us?"
"Don't be silly! He's not going to bite you. Neither of you needs chaperon."
After two days of thinking and soul searching and debating the emotional differences, Anna finally agreed to go on a date. Stacy was overwhelmed to hear the news. She liked the idea of her brother and her best friend dating each other. As Saturday was getting close, Anna roamed like a vagrant in her thoughts. She was happy and sad, excited and regretful. She just was not sure if she was doing the right thing. To Stacy that asked her what she is going to wear, she said:
"Oh, no big deal, something simple."
But it took her an hour to pick up something simple that made her look womanly. Steve came right at seven. When he arrived, Anna was in the bedroom and Stacy greeted her brother.
"She is very shy and conservative; don't run her away!" Stacy's comment to her brother seemed like an ultimatum.
"I know that. I am not going to do any intimate thing with her. I just like to get to know her better. There is a mysterious halo around her that puzzles me. I am just fascinated by her."
"I know, she is not only fascinating but very smart and intelligent. She's never dated before. I'm just worried for her. Don't play with her feeling."Stacy spoke as she thought.
"You like her, don't you? This is the first time I see you've found a real friend. She must be very special." He forced a smile.
"Yes, I like her a lot. I don't want her to get hurt. Her brother's death nearly crushed her. But she is very resilient. Unfortunately she doesn't know it herself."
Steve understood his sister very well. Never before had Stacy brought a friend to their parents' home. Anna came out from the bedroom. She shuddered when she saw Steve, even though she knew he was already there. But very quickly she took control of herself. She had on a long, black skirt with a red sweater, a black wool long jacket, and leather boots. She was wearing the same scarf that she had worn on her birthday and New Year's Eve. She had her hair half up and half down. Her brown hair had that natural shine in it that everyone complimented on. Her only jewelry was a pair of gold earrings from Iran which had a few strand of gold dangling from them. She was wearing a soft make up that almost was invisible.
Steve got up from his chair and walked to her and shook her hand. His hand was warm and wet.
"He is nervous, too." Anna thought.
"Are you ready? Can we go?"
Anna shook her head and looked at Stacy. She had a smile on her face. Somehow Anna was expecting her friend's approval for the last time. Stacy read her mind. She also got up from her chair and walked to Anna and hugged her.
"Go, go, he is not going to bite you." And she began laughing.
Anna hugged back Stacy, and they left.
To Be Continued
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